Just Let Me Die
by seaslugofdoom
Summary: A young Severus Snape finds himself in a house he dosn't want to call home. His parents die leaving him with his only family, the Potters. Warning:child abuse
1. Life? I prefer death

Disclaimer: I own none of this yes sadly that includes the characters. "grabs Severus and runs away"

Just Let Me Die

Chapter One: Life? I Prefer Death

* * *

"Ninety-eight!"

A belt hit my soft flesh.

Blood soaked the floor. I'm going to kill him! Another jolt of pain hit my back, how long was this torture going to last?

"Ninety...ni...nine"

Everything was starting to look hazy.

"I can't hear you boy!"

_I hate you! _

_"_Ninety-nine sir!"

_I really am going to slaughter that drun... _

"Agh..."_that one felt bad _

"Agh is not a number, it seems your forgots your numbers again, should we starts over?"

His_ speech is so...infuriating!_

"No sir, we are on one-hundred."

"Twenty more."

_I'm not going to live another night, I know it. _

A meek voice came out from across the dim room.

_"_Tobias?" _Mother don't interfere, _

_I can't see you getting hurt! _

"What the hell is it woman!"

He was still yelling in my face. His drunken breath almost knocking me out.

Mother started to get up from her place in the corner. She barely even spoke the words but somehow father was able to hear her voice.

"Please...he didn't mean to."

Father's face was now getting paler…that meant that he was now really cross. _Can't you see mother I'm doing this for you? Just stay in the corner at least you'll be safe! _She stood up.

"What are you doing now woman?" He spat out the words.

"Tobias..." She was still so weak "Please he has learned his mistake."

_Yeah my mistake was getting caught, by that drunk!_

He turned facing her. The blood red belt fell to the ground. _No I can't let this happen. Not again. _I tried to get my body to move but it stayed there frozen in place. Now he had her wrists.

_I need to save her but he'll kill me unless..._I moved my hand down my leg. When I felt the item in my pocket happiness flooded through me. It was there, but could I bring myself to use it?

_Slap!_

My mother fell to the ground crying. I couldn't stand it. My hands slowly went down into my pocket. I stared at him, not wanting him to catch me doing the unforgivable. I felt my gaze boring into him but I knew I could not look away. Then I felt it touch my hand. When I had wrapped my fingers around it he suddenly turned.

"What are you doing!"

I pulled out the wand.

"Put that back, or else!"

"Or else what!" I knew I had the upper hand but never figured I would get smug about it. I stood there taken aback at my reaction, just like he was. I pulled my hand up, but he was too quick. I head a yell, and wondered if it was from me or mother. Darkness pulled me in...

* * *

The room suddenly took on it's shape again, not that there were much shapes to begin with.

The room was always dark, there was no window, no light, the room seemed dead like always. I stood up, going towards my mirror. It was the only thing in my room, that had any value, besides my school items. Everything else here, the half rotten mattress on the floor, and the moth infested wardrobe made my cracked mirror seem magnificent.

_Not so bad... _

I looked at myself in the mirror. Normal people usually check to see how good they look to the publics view, but I knew I never had a chance with normal people. Greasy hair, thin lips, shallow cheeks, a rather large nose, nowhere close to a tan, and the fact that I never smiled might put people off.

Yeah that was me Severus Snape, the greasy git. I sighed knowing it was never going to get better.

_One black eye, a bruised cheek, three missing teeth, a few minor cuts, it wasn't that bad. _

I didn't dare myself to look at my back. It was painful, but it was better not to see it. _It could have been worse...a lot worse._

I went to the kitchen quickly. My father was most likely in his room complaining about his hangover. As usual I found my mother starting to make breakfast. Time to change my face.

"Good morning mother"

I knew how to hide my emotions well.

"Oh Severus, it's good to see you up."

Her voice was hidden also, but I could tell she was glad I was alive, even if my life was hanging by a thread.

"I'm starving woman!"

I nearly jumped out of my seat, mother as well.

"Severus why don't you go run some errands. _Mother you can't save me all the time _

"Hurry up! came a yell from the table. "Fine, I'll be back in a few minutes. "Severus come here!" _Well at least if he takes his anger out on me, mother will live another day. _I went up to my father who ate greedily.

_You know for a person with very few manners, it seems strange how you always punish me for not adding 'sir' to every sentence._

"Yes father?"

He still didn't take his eyes off his food, and was taking with a full mouth.

"Eileen tell you to run errands?"

"Yes sir."

"Good, gets me medicine, and if you're not back by eleven, you'll wish you'd be dead."

…But what if I already wish for death?

I went out of the house as fast as I could. I wanted to run so mother would not have to spend so much time with father, but if I ran my wounds would reopen, and I couldn't have that. I walked at a brisk pace down the hill.

Eyes turned as they saw me. _Why don't you all just stare at the freak !_ Why would they stare at me? They all too lived in the same run down houses. They had the same tattered clothes. Also, they had the same drunken fathers and husbands. Why was I always so different? Oh yeah…

* * *

_I was hauling a bag of coal up the hill. Suddenly a very tall old man stopped in front of me. He wore long purple robes, not tattered, they even looked fairly new. He looked over ninety, but he was still so strong. His blue eyes danced with youth. Strange why is he wearing clothing like that, and if he had money to spend on clothes what would he be doing here? _

_"Mr. Snape?" _

_I froze. How in the world did he know me? _

_"Y...yes s...sir?" _

_"Oh good I finally found you, you see I have been trying to send you letters all week, and it seems you haven't received them yet." _

_"Well sir..." He was really starting to get me nervous. "I haven't been allowed outside, my father is the only one that goes outdoors, but only to work or go to the pub." _

_"That's too bad" He reached inside his robes. _

_"P...please sir I didn't mean to..." _

_A lollipop came out. _

_"Would you like a sweet, Mr. Snape?" _

_Yes, oh god yes. _

_"I'm sorry sir, I can not accept anything from a stranger." _

_He gave me a look mother had given me…a smile? There was nothing to smile about here …_

_"How terribly rude of me, my name is Albus Dumblebore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry." _

_He extended his hand. Maybe he was from this area, he seemed to hallucinate just like all the other drunks. _

_"It is a pleasure Mr. Dumbledore." I shook his hand frightened what he would do if I refused. _

_"So then Mr. Snape will you be attending?" Surely another drunk, might as well play along or else he might get angry. _

_"Attend what sir?" _

_His eyes twinkled. "Why Hogwarts of course, my boy!" _

_"Sorry sir, but my family, doesn't have the money to have me attend." _

_"Your mother is Eileen Snape am I right." _

_Now this was getting to get strange. _

_"Yes sir, do you know her?" _

_I was now at our front door. I hadn't realized how heavy this bag of coal was. Strange, usually I could barely lift it. Oh well strange things always seem to happen to me. The man was rambling about this 'wizarding world'. When I was opened the door he stood there like he was waiting for me to invite him in. _

_"Just wait here sir." _

_I went inside. Mother was getting dinner ready. _

_"What took you so long, if Tobias knew..." _

"_Mother there's a strange man, by the name of Albus..." _

_"Albus is here?" She actually did know him! _

_"Yes mother." She dropped her pot and ran to the door. _

_"Professor Dumbledore." _

_"Eileen, I'm so glad to see you are well." _

_Severus come here." _

_I went to the door _

_"Do you know who this man is?" my mother asked me._

_"He says he Albus Dumbledore, headmaster..." she cut in. _

_"Professor you are now the headmaster, congratulations!" I had never seen my mother so happy before I would ask questions later if talking to a lunatic made her glad I would give her this rarity of happiness. Dumbledore turned to me. _

_"Severus do you know you are not an ordinary child?''_

_Yes, I'm a freak, get on with it. I nodded. _

_"You are not ordinary, because you are a wizard…"

* * *

_

I found myself standing in front of the grocery store. Why did I have to daydream all the time?

Wait if I walked to slow maybe I had exceeded my time limit. I couldn't afford to see mother get hurt again. I opened the door quickly. Nobody else was in the small store, so I went up to the cashier.

"Excuse me sir?"

The teenager around my age, turned quickly.

"Do you have the time?"

"Uh, yeah...it's ten fifteen."

Maybe I was going to live through today. I said my thanks and went to shopping. I grabbed, some canned foods, a gallon of water, and a loaf of bread. I quickly paid him, and left.

I ran up the street. Everyone was outside, and talking to each other. What had happened? Usually this happens if something incredibly good happens, or something horrible happens.

I went on the sidewalk. Everyone stared at me, but it seemed they looked at me with sympathy and pity, pity was something I could not stand. I went up to the only person I could trust with information, Mrs. Gerald. She was blind so she would not hide any information from me, the freak.

"Excuse me but what happened?"

The elderly lady's eyes shot open.

"You mean you haven't heard yet?"

Why would I be asking you if I haven't heard!

"No."

"The Snape's house burned down, Mr. and Mrs. Snape are dead."


	2. Hope? what does that mean

Disclaimer: I do not own any of this! Though we can't always get what we want…

Just Let Me Die

Chapter 2: Hope? What does that mean?

Author's Note: The italicized letters are what he really wants to say. Sorry if I confused anyone.

* * *

I dropped the groceries, and ran to the house. There was a fire truck outside of the ashes. Tears were starting to form but never came. Was it my fault that she died? Why didn't I hear the truck?

Oh, I almost forgot I was daydreaming.

It was all my fault then…

I stood in front of the house, numb and oblivious to the world around me. Then my silence was interrupted. A kind looking fireman went up to me. Reality starting to come slowly back, I knew I had to be sly. Who would know what he would ask.

"Hey kid, go home, there's nothing to see here."

I almost yelled, but knew it would get me nowhere. I must always remember to keep a strait face, then pity would never come.

"This is my home." I said emotionlessly.

He looked at me with sad eyes. I glared at the man. He eyes looked like they were going to flow with tears any second.

"Oh, sorry, if there's anything I can do..."

He pat my shoulder. I flinched at the feeling. Not even mother had the courage to touch me with father being so near.

"Hey I know how you feel, my dad died when I was a kid."

If my father had died I would have rejoiced, but now my mother's gone to. I thought carefully about what I should say next, but all that came out was

"What happened?"

"Well from what we could tell, your ummm father, accidentally dropped a match on top of some alcohol..."

How ironic was that, the thing that nearly killed me and my mother killed him, a fitting end, if only he didn't have to drag mother down with him…

It had finally sunk in. I was alone, no mother, no father, no relatives, no friends. The fireman looked sadly, but then his face lit up.

"You want to stay at my house tonight?"

Yes

"No"

"Are you sure, do you have a friends house to go to?"

No.

"Yes, I'm just going to look through the house, maybe I can save something."

"Sure thing kid, I understand, be careful though."

I couldn't stay with him. I had only one place to go to and that was Hogwarts. James Potter and his gang would beat me up almost everyday, but I craved for knowledge, and the chance to change my dim future. If I passed high at Hogwarts, I could become a potion master. I would finally be able, to get recognition in the world.

Being sent to an orphanage I would get a small chance of ever changing my life. It would always remain the same. I needed to get out of this hell. After all the firemen had left, I had answered the police's questions on my whereabouts, and where they would pick me up in the morning. Why they would think I had friends is beyond me, but at least it got away from me. Without looking back I quickly headed off into the woods.

I had come here often when I was in trouble. I knew the woods well, and even though it was night I was not afraid, father could always be scarier. I went to a clearing, that I had always favored. I would worry about everything in the morning, for now needed to rest...

* * *

I felt something go into my flesh. What did I do now? My eyes opened. All I saw were trees, my father wasn't here.

Oh yeah...last night...father...mother...

"Ow" Something bit into my flesh again.

It was an owl. Attached to it's leg was a letter. The Wizarding world used owls to deliver letters, I had only received letters from Hogwarts…who would want to write to me anyway?

"Hey, is that letter from Hogwarts?" The bird hooted happily. I slid the letter off its leg and read it.

_Severus,_

_I heard what happened. Please do not go with the police. The owl will lead to a portkey. I will explain later. Albus Dumbledore._

Why did Dumbledore have to know everything? When I had tucked the letter into my pocket, I realized it was still early morning. I put my hand into the other pocket searching for my wand. It was gone. Now I was helpless, my only hope was to follow that owl.

The owl had finally swooped down when we reached a stream. The owl was flying over something. I ran to it. It was a old shoe. I knew this had to be it. I grabbed a hold of it. Suddenly I was flying fast. I felt my stomach twisting, but since I had nothing in it, I didn't throw up. Finally I fell face first right at Dumbledore's feet.

"Severus are you alright?"

He bent down to pick me up. He seemed like the only one, besides my mother to care for me. I never wanted to make him disappointed in me.

"Yes sir."

I picked myself up waiting for him to continue.

"I am really sorry for what happened, if there was anything I could have done, you know I would have stopped the accident.

"Yes sir." He looked at me with the same sad eyes that the fireman had.

"Severus are you sure you are alright, how about a piece of candy."

Why was he always trying to be so nice? "No thank you."

"You may want to sit down."

I sat in a chair right in front of him.

"How about some chocolate, you seem hungry?"

I was starving!

"If you insist sir."

I took a piece of the chocolate. I let it melt in my mouth savoring every second of it. You could never tell when the next meal is coming.

I looked to the headmaster. He looked at me, for the first time his eyes were not twinkling. Did I really seem that desperate to eat?

"Severus do you know why your here?"

"You said you would explain later, sir." "Oh yes, now let me clarify. You know you need a guardian."

"Yes, until I am Seventeen years."

Thank God I'm fifteen, just two more years.

"Correct, so do you know of any family members?"

My family, consists of a bunch of alcoholics, who died, from drunk idiocy.

"No I do not believe there are any left."

"That is what we found out, but then we saw a name that came from your great-great, grandmother. Her name was Victoria Potter."

I stood there in disbelief...Potter... That was the name of my nemesis, my rival, the man that I had hated most in the world, well second compared to my father. He was the substitute for him. He beat me up almost as good as father. Potter always chose a good spot too. A place where everyone could see 'Snivellus' being tortured for existing. There was no way that I would stay with him, and his family was probably just as sadistic as he was. "I'd rather go to the orphanage." I said in an almost whisper not believing myself.

"Severus, you'll only stay with them during the summer months. I talked to Mr. Potter, and he has said he would pay for your schooling, books, and everything else you need."

Now I really was at a loss. I had attended Hogwarts on a loan, paying back when I had secured a good position, like potions master. The thought of being financially dept free had tempted me, but I knew it could never happen.

"You mean there is no other choice?"

"I'm am sorry, it is either this or the orphanage, and there you will not be able to complete your education here, do not worry there is still hope left."

Hope? I had lost meaning of that word.

* * *

I got out of the carriage. I had spent the night reflecting on what was happening. So now I was going to live with the Potters. My parents were dead. I was alone. Dumbledore came out. He volunteered to drop me off. I was really glad he was with me. Maybe if he had to talk to Potter's father I would not be dead by nightfall. I turned and faced my new home.

There was a huge gate, surrounding a beautiful courtyard. The manor itself seemed like a haven.

It was five stories tall, clean white, and plants hung at the edges of the balcony. It was so wondrous…There was an older looking Potter coming out of the house, followed by the young one. Suddenly my foolish thinking evaporated. . This place was my prison, well more of a torture chamber. I was in enemy territory without a wand. Mercy wouldn't be granted.

"Ah Mr. Potter it is great to speak with you again."

Dumbledore hugged the aging man. Mr. Potter wasn't what I had expected. He looked around sixty, had the same hair, face, and even glasses as James, but there was for sure a strength there much like Dumbledore had.

Great, he was sure to give stronger blows.

"And you must be Severus Snape."

I stared at my feet.

"Yes sir." I must show that I will obey him…in hopes he won't try to break me.

"It is a pleasure to have you here." He seemed kind…but that was probally because Dumbledore was here.

"Thank you sir."

Mr. Potter turned and looked at his old friend. "Now Albus, I want to show you something new in the backyard."

He put his arm around Dumbledore's shoulder. Mr. Potter was about to go off with Dumbledore then turned to his son.

"Oh yeah, James could you show Severus around."

James stood there looking bored. So, James acts the same way at school as he does at home.

"Whatever, I nothing else to do."

Did Dumbledore realize what was happening? Well if they found me dead it would serve him right...stop thinking like that! Potter walked up to me. I stepped back.

"Hey Snivellus."

"Hello Potter."


	3. Family? I don't have any

Just Let Me Die

Chapter Three Family? I Don't Have Any

Disclaimer: The bad news I do not own this story, the good news…shoot, there is no good news.

"So...you...this is kinda awkward..."

James finally said. I said nothing, if I said something it might aggravate him. He led me into the house. If I had thought the outside looked wonderful the inside was indescribable. We were greeted by a huge room, with two huge staircases. Potter was walking down the hall.

"So this is the main entrance, I guess."

I was afraid my mouth hung open, so I gave him a glare to get my face emotionless. He continued to ignore looking at me. He had shown me the dining room, sitting room, music room, and all the other rooms wealthy people had.

"Yeah so the bedrooms are upstairs, nothing else indoors. Well there is a library, but who cares about that, oh are you hungry, cause I am?"

Food was sounding better that books! He led me down the kitchen.

"I think this house used to have a bunch of servants or something so there's a bunch of these hidden doors. When we arrived in the kitchen there were eight house elves in there. From what I understand house elves are the slaves to wealthy wizarding families, bound to them. I looked closely at them, they were small, had humongous eyes, and weird bat like ears. James went up to the closest one. They seemed to all wear tattered pillow sheets…maybe I'll get a chance to look it up.

"Hello Master Potter, what can I get you?"

"Hey Twilly, I just want a sandwich"

He turned to me.

"What do you want?"

What do I want? I had never been offered this choice at home before, usually mother would give me father's scraps, but sometimes I refused letting her take them.

"W...What...can I have?"

"I don't know what we have ask Twilly."

James said he would eat his sandwich outside, and to meet him there when I was ready. Well if he was going to torture me now, I should eat something light.

"Twilly, what can I have to eat?"

I was nervous, even if Twilly was a house elf, she was probably more cherished here than me.

"Excuse me for asking buts are you the Young Master who will live here?"

"Yes, my name is Severus."

"Master Severus." "I...I don't think you should put Master in front of Severus, I am more like you than them."

She looked confused.

"Oh buts I thoughts you were a wizard are you not?"

"I guess I am a wizard, but I don't even have a wand." The small elf looked surprised.

"Well Master Potter is waiting for you, what would like to eat?"

"I think I shouldn't eat." I knew my stomach was hating me for depriving myself of another meal, but it would be even more painful if I threw all that food back up after my meeting with Potter.

I ran outside and saw Potter sitting on his broom. He looked up at me.

"Oh hey Snivellus, want a ride."

"No thank you."

Don't upset him.

"Dad says dinner's at five."

He then flew off leaving me alone on the field. I went back into the house deciding that if Mr. Potter told me the time dinner would be served, I was expected to help make it.

I went back into the kitchen. Twilly was busy along with the other elves. I tapped her shoulder.

"Oh, hello mas...Severus, is there anything you need?"

"I'm here to assist you in making dinner." All the house elves stared at me. Seeing who I was, a skinny, ragged street urchin, they turned back to their food. I helped them prepare a three course meal, that had a light salad, pasta and bread, and a small pie for desert. Usually at home the only food we had was stale bread and canned beans. Smelling the food was almost as good as being allowed to eat it. It was now four-fifty. I helped set up dinner with the house elves. They went back into the kitchen. I was unsure of what to do. Suddenly James walk in the room.

"Dinner looks great huh Snivelly?"

"Thank you."

He looked at me confused. He sat himself down. His father came into the room.

"James, could you go tell your mother we're about to start dinner."

"Sure." James ran upstairs. I was left alone with his Mr. Potter.

"Severus, do you like it here?" Why was he asking this? Probally testing my reactions.

"It is very pleasant sir, I thank you for your hospitality."

His eyes shot up, after a couple of seconds they lowered.

"Henry."

"Excuse me sir."

"My name is Henry, unless you want to call me dad?"

How was I suppose to react to this? Father would beat me for such incompetence, but not saying his name would be disobedience. The silence was answered by two figures running down the hall. James jumped back to his seat.

The woman who followed him was small, had blond hair with a couple of grey strands, she had a face that looked so content, her blue eyes twinkled as much as Dumbledore, and her smile seemed contagious, almost.

"You must be Severus, James said he knew you from school."

"Yes ma'am"

She looked at me thoughtfully. "I'm so sorry what happened, let me know if I can help you with anything."

"Thank you ma'am."

"Oh it's..."

Mr. Potter interrupted us.

"We were just having this conversation isn't that right Severus?"

"Yes…" What do I call him? "…Mr. Potter." He seemed satisfied with that and sat down.

Mrs. Potter sat next to him. Mr. Potter looked at the place settings and seemed angry.

"Is there anything wrong sir?" Sir? I mentally kicked myself, he had told not to call him 'sir'. He'll surely beat me for such incompetence.

"Oh it seems the house elves forgot you were coming, let me just get a plate for you."

"Mr. Potter?"

"You're hungry aren't you?"

"Yes sir, but..."

He took my shoulder and sat me down next to James who was already putting food all over his plate. He came back with a plate for me. He sat back down and the family started getting there food. What was I expected to do? At Hogwarts we were allowed to eat our fill, but at home I never really ate. That's how it always was.

"Aren't you hungry Severus?"

Mr. Potter asked me. I picked up a fork, and ate the salad. Potter stared at me. I glared at him. I shouldn't have done that!

"Sorry" I lowered my gaze. I heard a gasp, and looked back up. Potter's eyes widened. Was saying sorry really that perplexing. Oh yeah I had said it.

I turned my attention back on the food. I really tried to eat like a civilized person, but every bite tasted like heaven. Maybe that's why I was never allowed at the table at home. I knew they were staring at the way that I treated every scrap like the most precious thing, but I was so hungry, maybe I would be able to finish my maybe…a whole meal…I couldn't believe it…

After everyone finished, I started collecting the plates.

"Severus sit." I put the plates on the table, and sat in a nearby chair.

"Y...Yes S...Sir?"

What did I do now.

Mr. Potter smiled at me. "Don't worry the house elves will pick up, I need to talk to you and James outside."

"Dad" Potter moaned, he was such an ungrateful brat, but maybe he didn't want to go outside because he knew something bad was going to happen, I was now really frightened.

"C'mon can't we talk in the morin''?" Potter groaned.

"No James, now meet me on the bench by the garden.

James led me to a bench outside the beautiful garden. I put my head down hiding my face with my long hair. I gazed at all the plants through my greasy hair. My mother one said I was like a plant…that was kept in the dark for too long. These plants had plenty of sunshine like Potter. He was always held up in the sun, the favorite of all the teachers and a great Quittich player, he was always so perfect.

"So Snivelly you like plants?"

Just tell the truth.

"I usually take no interest in plants, but it is just so good to see color, after so much darkness."

Potter looked at me strangely.

"My house, it wasn't the nicest place to live..."

That was the biggest understatement, I had ever said.

"It was always so dark, cold, blo..." Was I just about to mention all the bloodshed? "...bleak."

I said weakly. Potter pat my shoulder. The welts on my back yelped in agony.

"Hey it's gonna be fine now."

Fine for you!

Mr. Potter came running down the hill. I stood up, while James laid down on the bench. How rebellious is he planning to be?

"Hey boys."

"Hello sir." I mumbled, my face still hiding.

He stared at me for a second, then seemed to forget about it.

"It seems there is a predicament at work, I have to leave tonight. Also your mother is coming with me."

"What!" James and I both yelled.

"Dad, you can't leave me here with him!"

For once I had agreed with James.

"I see why not, you two are now brothers, so this will be a great bonding experience."

I tried to bring myself courage to speak, but I had found none.

"Well then if you too have nothing else to say, I'll be leaving in an hour.

Once Mr. Potter and Mrs. Potter left I felt my heart racing. I didn't have a wand, I was lost without Potter in the huge manor, and the fact that Potter and I were in the same house petrified me. My enemy went upstairs. I stayed in the family room where the adults had said there goodbyes.

I knew in a few minutes their son would come down here, and torment me all night. I waited for the ordeal, not wanting to be caught off guard...not that it really mattered anymore. I still did not want to seem scared in front of Potter. I waited until it was two. The fire had burned out. I laid down on the cold floor...it was better than outside. Then I surrendered myself to sleep.


	4. Home? I don't have one

Just Let Me Die

Chapter four: Home? I don't have one

Disclaimer: I do not own any of this, if you have a problem with that talk to J.K. Rowling

* * *

Author's Note: You know the more reviews you have the faster I'll get the story done! I shall use the powers of the reviews to…stop staring at me like that! I am not crazy…o.k. maybe a little crazy, well anyway please review.

I jumped up. Someone was shaking me. Did I sleep in late? Father was going to kill...oh he's dead. I opened my eyes. Potter grinned.

"Awake Snivelly?"

The torture session was going to begin, oh joy. Maybe if I told he I didn't have a wand he would at least let tell me what spell he was going to use.

"Please I don't even have..."

He cut me off. "Why did you sleep here last night?"

"What?" Maybe I wasn't allowed to sleep here. I hid my fear.

"Why. Did. You. Sleep. Here. Last. Night.?"

Was this a trick question?

"You never showed me to a room.' I said, head bowed.

Potter looked like he was getting impatient with me.

"Well, why didn't you just wake me up?"

"I'm sorry." I was at his mercy.

"C'mon get your stuff, and I'll show you your room."

I jumped up quickly, and grabbed my robe. He looked around the room for something.

"Hurry up, where's your trunk?"

"I don't have any possessions." The fire had burned away everything"

At least it kept me from reliving memories. His smile faded.

"You could have borrowed my pajama's or something."

"Thank you" I hated acting this way to Potter, but he had a wand...maybe I can do wandless magic."

He was staring at me again.

"I'm ready."

We came into a huge hallway. Pictures of ancestors hung the wall. Potter was lucky, he had a lineage that he could be proud of, and what was I stuck with. Sure we were family but we came from very different world. Finally we reached the end of the hallway. He opened the door, and I faced a room. It had a simple queen sized bed, a large window overlooking the garden, a large desk, a wardrobe, and a full view mirror. He pushed me forward.

"Well here's your room."

"I...I don't understand..." What was coming out of my mouth?

"Yeah I know this room sucks, but my parents didn't know what you liked. You can buy new furniture if you want."

Don't be sarcastic, don't be sarcastic

"I don't have money you..."

Shut up Shut up!

"Oh yeah dad told me to give this to you." He handed me a sack. Should I take it? I licked my lips involuntarily.

"Take it"

This was an order. I took it from his hands expecting some bodily change happening to me. I closed my eyes getting ready for the pain.

"What cha' doin'?" Can't I at least prepare myself for the agony? I opened my eyes and looked at Ja...Potter. He looked at me like I was some sort of lunatic.

"Why don't you just open it?" I reached my hand into the bag. I felt something solid, well there were many things, and they were shaped like coins. I looked in the bag. It was a small fortune!

"Wha...what is..." I handed the bag back to him.

"What's wrong? Do you want more?" "

Is this some kind of joke!"

I couldn't stand it anymore. What sadistic game was Potter playing at? He backed away from me.

"Okay why don't I just leave you here for a couple of minutes we can go out later." He rushed out of the room. At least if he thought I was crazy, he would stay away.

* * *

He entered the room ten minutes later.

"Let's go now."

All I had was the bag of money, so I took that with me. "Where are we going Potter?"

"Oh sorry I forgot, we're going to floo to Diagon Alley."

"Floo?"

"Yeah floo you got something against it?" I had heard about the floo system, but since my father was muggle he hated using wizarding modes of transportation.

"My family never went to many places I never used the Floo System." He grinned. I hated that smile it always seemed so innocent.

"Just grab some of this floo powder, and say Diagon Alley in the fireplace."

Potter went to the fireplace and after saying "Diagon Alley" he was gone. I knew I had to follow, but my whole body was shaking. What if this was a trick? I went up to the fireplace.

"D...Diagon...Alley." A blue fire engulfed me , and my stomach felt like it was going to explode. It was a good thing I didn't eat breakfast. Suddenly I was falling. I fell in a very old looking fireplace. I stood up and looked around. I was in a shop, but it looked like the strangest shop I had ever seen. There were skulls and other dark magical items around. I turned around a corner trying to get out.

"Hey kid, what are you doing here?"

I turned around and saw a tall man, that looked like my father. "I...I'm...I...S...Sor...S..."

"Shud up, and get the hell out of here, fore' I make you get out."

Yes this man was really like my father.

"Yes sir"

I backed up towards the door. Then his eyes shot up.

"Hey that bag full of money?" Better to tell the truth now, before he tries to take it by force.

"Yes."

"Oh sorry bout' yelling at you earlier, jus' kids come here and shoplift. Hey I know we have some new products, wanna see em'?"

I just wanted to get out of here.

"That would be great sir." I went towards the desk. "Sorry for calling you a kid, you must be around fourteen or fifteen?" Why did he want to talk to me now?

"Fifteen sir." "Then are you going to Hogwarts?" I did not like where this was going.

"Y...yes." He looked at me carefully.

"You must be in Slytherin then."

"How did you know?" He laughed. What did I say now? "Nobody but a Slytherin would come to this shop, well maybe a Gryffindor, but their ideals wouldn't let them come to this side of town."

I had a feeling a wasn't in Diagon Alley, I had never been there because I just borrowed everything from the school.

"Yeah Gryffindors wouldn't come here."

He was under the desk now searching for something.

"Ah here it is."

He popped back up with a small box.

"This box has great things for school, let's see here's a device that can tell when a teacher's going to call on you." He pulled up other random items but then a piece of paper caught my eyes.

"What's that." His eyes lit up when he was the old paper I was pointing at. "I always forget about that thing, it dates back from the Witch Trials, it can tell if a person is a pureblood, half-blood, or muggle. The Wizard's used this, for some of the half-blood ratted them out, and the muggles gave them money. Want me to demonstrate?" I was now shaking, and couldn't get my body to stop.

"I know it does look bad." He had a knife in his hand and put a couple of drops of blood on the paper."

The print suddenly read pureblood. He grabbed my hand.

"I don't know?" "I just going to show you where the blood has to go." He poked my finger with the knife. The blood dripped down onto the paper. Slowly, instead of becoming black, it turned bright red, like my face was at this point.

"Wait a second." He glared at me.

"You're a half-blood?" He came from behind the counter, and grabbed my shirt.

"I asked if you were a half-blood!"

Tears were coming down, this man reminded me so much of my father.

"Yes Sir."

"GET OUT!"

Just by saying that I would have run for my life, but he grabbed my wrists and flung me out. My back filled with pain. The wounds reopened leaving a mess all over the ground.

"Get out of here you filthy mud blood, fore' I finish the job!"

Though my back was stinging and was now probably infected I ran crying down the street, all the wizards looking at me. I looked around, but I had nowhere to go. I sat in a corner. Maybe I could die here, then the pain would go away. Why was I always fighting to live, it always got worse the more I fought. Should I just let death take me away? Everything became blurry. My mind felt like it just got shaken around. What's the point of living anymore?


	5. Freak? So what if I am one

Just Let Me Die

Chapter Five: Freak? So what if I am one

Disclaimer: I do not make any money from this so please don't try to say that I own this.

Author's Note: Sevschoosen1 (did I spell it right?)- I tried to fix my writing with your suggestions. What do you think? If it's all wrong please tell me so I could fix it.

See what happens when people put reviews. I update! Wow two in one day. Please send more reviews. Oh I changed the writing style as you can see, what do you think, if you like it please tell me if it's better, thank you Sevschoosen1.

"Master Snape..."

Something was poking me.

"Master Snape?"

"Try Severus Winn."

Were was I?

"Severus?"

"Would you stop poking me!" I pulled my body up. I felt something tearing, and then pain again.

"Mas...Severus please try not moving. Your wounds reopened again."

I looked at my back and sure enough blood was dripping all over the bed. "So you think Potter's going to kill me?" The two house elves looked at me confused.

"Why would that be, he is always nice with us?"

I shouldn't have said things out loud. "My father almost killed me for something less than that, and Potter probably would too."

I woke up again afraid that if I moved too much blood would go all over the sheets. The door swung open.

Potter walked in boldly. "Hey Sni...Snape." He smiled at me.

Did Potter deliberately send me to that place. Did he know I would get killed there? What should I say? If I said something too nice he would be suspicious, but if I said something to mean he would surely kill me on the spot. I simply nodded.

"Why did you go to Knockturn Alley?" He asked again full of innocence.

So that's what it was called. "You mean you didn't send me there on purpose, if you did I misinterpreted your cunning." Just stop now. "I didn't think a Gryffindor had it in him let someone else do their dirty work, maybe you would have made a great Slytherin."

He sent me a glare. "So Snivellus is back, your always laying the blame on someone else. I'm sure you must be so proud. You are actually living up to your name."

I sent him coldly, but I was still unable to move.

"When I had finally found you a lady said you were running down the street crying."

I tried to push myself up, but the blood started flowing again.

His glare faded, and his face became emotionless. "Don't get up you'll ruin the sheets."

"Why should you care, why don't you just let me die, but no you had to take me here and let me bleed to death!" He pushed me down. "Get on with it, I don't care anymore, at least I'll be with my mother!"

He pressed me down harder. "You need sleep, you're talking all crazy, if you get up again I'll immobilize you."

I don't know why but I did lay down. My stomach was completely empty, my back stung, and my body felt like it was on fire.

Twilly popped up in front of me. "I saws your marks you be bad, Twilly not bad so Twilly no gets marks you be bad?" I guess Twilly now realized I was more like her than she thought.

"I tried not to be bad Twilly."

She nodded her head in agreement, then she grabbed a plate from the table."It's fine now, you hungry?"

Twillly brought a bowl of hearty beef soup, and fed it to me.

"Twilly you have to go slower, I'll be more full that way." I bit down slowly again savoring each bite.

Potter opened the door again. He looked at me. "Good you're eating."

What is it now?

"My dad says he's coming."

No not that!

"I...I'm fine there's no need for that." I lifted the sheets off of me. "See it's fine." My back protested, but I did not want Mr. Potter to come. He seemed nice, but I had never seen him in a bad mood. A wound opened a little leaving a trail of blood.

"Sure it looks just fine."

Great he could be sarcastic. "Please I have gone through worse beatings, this one looks bad but at least..." I shouldn't have said that.

"Beatings?"

I'm surprised you haven't gotten any considering your manners and your inability to follow the rules, but of course Potter never had any rules in his life.

Mr. Potter arrived the next morning. I heard him running to my room. Please, please finish me or at least let me black out.

The door burst open, Mr. and Mrs. Potter running to me. "Oh dear are you alright." Mrs. Potter tried to hold my hand, but I drew it back unfamiliar with this gesture. Mr. Potter kneeled by my head.

"So James told me you got in trouble, let me see your back."

I turned over, was he going to hit it? If father knew something hurt me he couldn't wait to make it worse. I turned over, afraid of what was going to happen next. He carefully put his hand on my back. "Does this hurt?" He whispered. I shook my head. He moved hand down my back. I knew it was going to come now. I was starting to choke on my tears. "P...Plea...please..." There was no point, it was going to be painful, but someway it could be worse.

"It's fine now Severus relax."

The tears were slowly stopping.

"Now I'm going to put a potion, it will get rid of the pain."

"No...no potion Father..." Father will kill me, he hated anything magical.

"Don't worry, your father is gone child." Mr. Potter said at me.

"I'm not a child..." I whispered.

"I know, you wouldn't not have survived, you grew up too soon." With the help of Mrs. Potter they spread the potion all over my back...maybe this thing feeling is called love?...

"Hey sleepyhead" Potter's voice seemed to never get out of my head.

"Is that you or am I in another nightmare." I kept my eyes closed not wanting to see him again.

"You're back!"

Potter's brain can't keep up with his enormous head. Well maybe that's why it's full of hot air! I hid my emotions through sneer. "What do you mean I'm back."

"For the first couple of days you seemed...not yourself..."

You like me as a mean, emotionless, loner? "Well you scar...I was afraid...I'm st..Ja…Potter just leave me alone!" He smiled at me. I laid back down on the bed hiding my face. I must not have noticed him leave, because I realized I was in the room all alone. Well at least I could never overdo beauty sleep.

I pulled the blanket off my head...wait my back was not in pain! I went to the mirror. The wounds were gone only leaving scars. I was also incredibly hungry. When was the last time I had eaten? Maybe I could get something from the house elves. I quietly went downstairs, making my presence unknown. I was quite good at that. In the kitchens the house elves greeted me. Then Twilly ran up.

"Severus Twilly is so happy to see you!"

"Thanks Twilly, do you think, maybe" I never really asked for food before. "doyouthinkIcouldhavesomefood."

"I do not understands you Severus, what did you need?"

Why should I be afraid of a house elf, besides Twilly was my friend...my only friend..."I'm sorry, can I please have some food Twilly."

Twilly smiled at me. She went over and handed me some of the left over breakfast.

"So how long have I been out?" "Just a week, but every day Master gets more worried..." She jumped up "Oh your up, I must tell Master!" She ran out of the room.

Now Mr. Potter was going to come...oh great.

"Hey Snape."

A chill ran through my back. How did Potter know where to find me? I was always good at sneaking. I saw nobody follow me, just how did he do it? "Potter."

"Not a morning' person?" He grabbed an apple, not asking if I was about to eat it. "Hey you want to play outdoors, you know you need some air."

I took plate to the sink.

Potter grinned at me.

"I think I have enough air standing next to you too bad it's all hot."

He smiled, even though he smiled a lot this particular smile made me feel nervous. He shrugged his shoulders "Suit yourself"

I walked back to my room. At least here I was forgotten. Stupid Potter, what was he playing at? Maybe he was being nice because his father was here. I went to the connecting bathroom, and wiped the dry blood off my back. Maybe they were afraid to touch me, or they didn't care. Wow there was much more blood than I thought. The tub was turning red from the blood. Wrapping a towel around my waist I went back to the room to put my clothes on, but they were gone. Potter! I went to the door. But then I was a hanger with items hanging on it. There was a long sleeved white shirt, a grey vest, dress pants, a tie, a belt, new clean underwear, and socks! Surely they were for me, but I had never received such things in my whole life. I pulled on the underwear. Now I don't have to wash my underwear two times a day! I put on the clothing accordingly. When I got to the shirt. I felt like I was in heaven. It was amazing, I always had worn old, itchy, clothing. Was this silk? I took a look in the mirror. Was this me? I was still the skinny, greasy git, but I now at least I looked healthy. When I walked I did not even twitch in pain! I can't wait until school...oh shoot I forgot we had summer homework!

I went upstairs, now where did Potter say the library was? I did not have any books or school supplies, but at least I might be able to find something there. Now I think it's the third door to the left...I opened the door. Mr. Potter stared at me. He was sitting behind a beautiful oak desk with books and papers spread around him. This was his private study!

"Can I help you Severus?" His eyes twinkled like Dumbledore's, but still I knew he couldn't be trusted.

"I am sorry sir, I was just...I am truly sorry, please I will not bother you again." I started to grab the handle.

"Severus stop."

Why did this always happen to me.

"What did you need?"

Father did this all the time. If I asked for food I would go hungry for three days, if I asked for a blanket I had to sleep outside, I had to think of something quick. After licking my lips I finally found the words. "...Ineedabook." Well at least it was true...those eyes like Dumbledore...I could never lie to them.

"Why didn't you say so in the first place?" He came from behind the desk. What was he going to do?

"I'm sorry, I do not need..." two strong hands came upon my shoulders. I bowed my head, hiding my face in my hair.

"Don't worry son" Son?

"I am not your son...I do not deserve..." I bit my lip.

"Well than what am I to you?"

Guardian...no...father...no...dad? No you must be joking if I were ever to say such crude titles...I would be just like James Potter! "Step-father?" Please don't let it be the wrong answer.

He just shrugged. I could never get these people. He was now out of the door. "Are you coming?"

I ran to keep up with the man...he looked just like James, that always put me on guard.

"So what book do you need?"

If I had thought the library at Hogwarts was enormous, the Potter's collection was indescribable. There seemed to be rows upon rows of books. My body itched to be closer, to immerse myself in those books whose pages I found home. I gave him a blank face not wanting to anger the man who could give me salvation.

"Do you need books for the homework, I wish James would start, but I guess like father like son." His eyes danced as he thought about his son.

I had never been truly jealous of Potter until this moment. He had friends, all the girls loved him including Lily Evans the only person my age that had ever shown me kindness, a huge house, everything he wanted, and he was loved. I knew being loved was just a dream. No matter how hard I tried I would still be the freak...


	6. Perfection? not even close

Just Let Me Die

Chapter 6: Perfection? Not even, close

Disclaimer: I do not make any money or anything for this so please don't haunt me.

Author's Note: Thank you for the reviews! Also thank you again and again sevschoosen1. Please review, and I'll love you forever. This week I'm working on a European History test, project, and id's, so please I might not update as fast, but maybe I will, it all depends on the reviews. They encourage me to work faster. Thank you!

After four hours in the library, I had almost completed the Potions side of the summer assignment. It always seemed too easy. I sighed and put the books away. It was thirty minutes before dinner. I raced to the door; dinner was going to be unprepared without me. I grabbed some books and headed for the door. Somehow I tripped. It was as if some invisible shoe had placed their foot in front of mine. My head fell on the ground, making my nose bleed. I heard laughter! But I was alone...was I going crazy? Someone stepped out from one of the tall shelves.

"Snivellus, how can you be so clumsy." Potter had his hands on his knees, bursting from laughter.

"I'm so grateful you find this amusing Potter." I really did not care anymore, the sooner I died the better. I walked towards him. Then, I lunged myself at his face. I punched his nose. Blood flowed all over my hand, but this time it was finally not my blood. "Potter your nose is going to be more disturbing than mine!"

He looked shocked, but then that expression went away quickly. "I knew you'd be back Snivellus."

He regained his fighting posture, and looked at me with daring hazel eyes. Now that he was over the shock of me attacking him he would actually try to harm me, but now it did not matter; only revenge mattered. I tried to punch him again but he dodged it and landed on a bookshelf. The shelf started tipping backwards. It hit the next one, and then the next. Suddenly all the shelves went in a domino effect. Books went flying everywhere. Maybe this is why Hogwarts didn't have a library this big. Finally, it had registered into my brain. I had just ruined Mr. Potter's library. I had to run.

"Let's get out of here!" Potter grabbed my robe and pulled me backwards. I struggled but ended up on the floor.

"Be quiet idiot," he whispered to me.

Idiot! I was going to kill him. I tried lunging forward but he held out his wand.

"Silencio," he whispered. He said something else but I couldn't catch it. Suddenly memories began rushing at me…

_Invisible ropes clung around me. I looked up at Potter he smirked. I glared, but it had no effect. Suddenly I was up in the air. _

"_Who wants me to take off Snivellus' pants?" was all I heard Potter say. _

_I saw people crowding around and…cheering? I started to choke on my tears. "I…I'm…go…going…to…kill…" The ground suddenly became closer. I swallowed dirt. Why did I not let Evan's save me? Blood rushed to my head. _

"_Now Snivellus apologize or else!" _

_Potter was again towering above me. I put back on my emotionless face. "Those are some pretty big words Potter did Lupin help you?'' I knew it would get him mad, but I was never going to apologize! _

_His faced turned red and he put his words into actions. I was again up in the air, blood dripping down to the ground. I felt my pants being unbuttoned by a magical force._

"_Now Snivellus apologize!" demanded Potter._

_I knew it had to be done…I was going to hate myself for this… "Fine Potter, I'm sorry…" I felt my body falling to the ground. "Forgive me," I purred sarcastically, "let me put this in to words you could understand, NEVER!" My body flew even higher in the air. In his anger, he quickly pulled off my pants, leaving me in my underwear. He took a second to calm down. _

"_Snivellus for someone who always seems so clever, you are pretty dull. Just apologize, already." _

_He did not know how to control his anger, all I have to do is put on my mask. "Potter…," shoot I just swallowed some of my blood. "It seems…" I thought I would be out of blood by now! "…that my last words left you…" I felt vomit coming…I hate him! "confused, let me rephrase myself…NO!" _

_My body now felt numb…my mind felt the same…I was physically and emotionally drained…but I knew I couldn't give in…I opened my eyes. I was ten feet up in the air. There were at least fifty people around me. They were all pointing and laughing…at me! Potter looked at me and ran. Fine, he knew no one would support me, and that no one would believe me. When he left the spell disappeared. I started to fall to the ground again. Why couldn't somebody at least lessen the fall? Then I finally collided with the hard ground. I felt like something was ripping apart inside of me. There was still that consistent laughter. I loathed everyone! Why did no one save me? _

_I struggled but was finally able to stand up. More and more people started to laugh. Was it because I was gasping for breath, or maybe it was because they thought it was hilarious to see someone in so much pain that they actually go numb. _

"_Leave me the hell alone!" I yelled at no one in particular, but everyone seemed to find it funny. Then I looked down to what they were pointing at; he actually did it! I lifted up my underwear and pants and rushed into the school…_

Invisible ropes clung around me. It was like déjà vu. I knew if this happened, again there would be no point to struggle. I stopped and looked at Potter towering above me. Instead of smiling, he looked around worryingly. I just sat there…bound and silenced there was not much I could do.

"Ah here it is!" Potter rushed at something.

I heard two people running on the stairs. Mr. Potter was coming! I tried to get up, but struggled without any avail.

"Stop squirming" He hissed at me. "Be still or else…just don't move."

Like I could!

He put a piece of cloth over us. The idiot was hiding from his father using a robe? Maybe he was denser than I had thought. The door opened.

Mr. and Mrs. Potter's mouths hung open. Pages from books were scattered all over the floor. Shelves were in pieces. The books were crushed. The adults walked around the room in dismay.

"Wha…what happened?" Mr. Potter looked around, searching for something.

Couldn't he see two boys on the ground?

Suddenly understanding came upon his face. He started to smile, but then Mrs. Potter glared at him. He shrugged but then turned away from her and looked defeated. "James Potter take off the invisibility cloak now or else.

I felt Potter lift the sheets. He was going to expose me!

"Fine, you found me. Now, your it!" He smiled at his father!

What was going on? I would be skinned alive by this point.

"Where's Severus?"

Where's Severus? His library is in chaos and he doesn't even strike Potter! Mr. Potter's face didn't even look angry, he actually looked worried.

Jam…Potter took his father's shoulder and moved him away from me. Wasn't he going to blame me?

"Oh yeah Severus left an hour ago, he went to his room."

Potter could lie easily, I knew that already, but I never thought I would be glad for his skills of persuasion.

"Well then what are you doing here? Were you actually doing homework?" Mr. Potter left out a chuckle. Mrs. Potter, who looked stern earlier smiled.

What was wrong with these people?

James sank into a chair, which had been missed by the bookshelves. "Yeah I was doing homework"

Mr. Potter laughed again. "Well no wonder all the books fell, they couldn't believe you even walked in here, maybe the earth stopped, or…. "

Potter ruins a library and his father jokes, so that's how Potter got his attitude towards life.

Potter looked at his father as if he said something awkward, but nothing was to embarrassing to Potter. "Aw, c'mon this is why I never do my homework; you always make such a big deal when I actually do it."

Both of the parents laughed at their child's wit, though there was nothing witty about it. Mr. Potter said 'reparo'. The bookshelves and their books returned to their places. It was as if nothing ever happened.

All this mess for nothing!

The perfect family walked out of the room, laughing on their way to their perfect dinner. I had to get up. Then I realized I was bound, unable to speak, and invisible…


	7. Pride? All I have left

Just Let Me Die

Chapter Seven: Pride? All I have left

Disclaimer: I have nothing creative to say, so if you want someone to take credit it's definitely not me.

Author's Note: Thanks sevschoosen1 and everyone who reviewed. Enjoy!

Two hours passed, James probably left me here to die. I knew it! I should have never trusted that…Wait! The door was slowly creaking open. A small shadow was looking around the room.

"Hey, Snape, where are you?"

Potter actually came! I tried to talk, but somehow words couldn't form. The, bloody, silencing spell still hadn't completely worn off, yet. I tried again, "I…I'm…ri…"

I prayed I was loud enough. Potter came to my direction but still couldn't see the invisible, git, lying on the floor. He was getting a little too close. His boot landed on my hand. I yelped.

"Oh there you are."

He took the invisibility cloak off me, but I was so humiliated I wished he would just keep in on.

"Sorry bout' that couldn't see you."

He started taking the invisible ropes off. Even though they were invisible, they still made marks on my skin. Some of the marks started to bleed. I looked down in mortification. Potter was going to have fun with this, and I just didn't have the strength or will to fight back.

"Sni…Snape…I'm really sorry, I shou…well anyway I didn't want this to happen."

I glared at him. Sorry!? He did even worse to me in public, and now we're alone and he says sorry!? I must remember to be empty. _Be hollow. Be an empty shell free of all emotions. _

When I had thought, I could say something without yelling I finally spoke. "What do you mean sorry?" I tried to say this evenly but somehow confusion and anger seeped its way in, so much for being emotionless.

"Sorry I left you here for so long, sorry I stepped you, I'm just sorry for everything."

This was not James Potter. This was a lie. He was lying to me. He was playing a cruel joke, _first get the greasy git to trust me, then when 'Snivellus' wants be my friend I'll break him! _I knew it; Potter had sunk to a new low. I had to find some way to get out of it.

Potter looked at me earnestly. "So do you accept?"

"Accept what?"

"My apology, of course!"

_Now how could I get out of this mess? _Quickly, I had to say something, "Sure."

He looked at me in a strange way. "Great, we should get some sl…"

My stomach growled. Now it was getting its payback for when I had deprived it of food on my first day here. _Why did it have to betray me like this? _

"Oh, shoot, I forgot you didn't eat dinner!"

_Accursed stomach I'll make you pay for this later! _

"Oh it is fine I'm us…I'll eat in the morning." Why was I letting my tongue slip all the time?

He gave me a disapproving glance. "Suit yourself, but if you faint it's not my fault."

It was another restless night of tossing and turning. I had never slept in a bed this good, but I seemed to get even less sleep than when I had slept on the floor. What was going on in Potter's mind? I knew I was too curious for my own good, but I needed to know.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

When I awoke, I was surprised to find myself in a comfortable position. I was wondering why the bed didn't feel this good, but then I realized I was on the floor. Why did the floor seem more comfortable? Maybe I was so used to it, I never liked to sleep on that nauseating mattress back home, and in school most of the time I slept in the common room; afraid of my roommates. The door opened and nobody was there. _Potter! _

"I know you're here, Potter, so get out of that invisibility cloak!"

"Seems like you caught me," A deep voice sounded from the cloak. It was not James' voice; it was his father's!

_Why did this always happen to me!? _He gave out a hearty laugh. The invisibility cloak was coming off. Potter's head appeared. Every inch of the cloak coming off his body seemed to last forever. It was as though it could tell my fear, and was trying to give me a head start. I was going to die. I did the only thing I knew. I ran.

I quickly flung open the door. It did not matter that I had no place to go to, survival was key. I heard someone calling my name. Just ignore them! I ran past all the house elves, and finally reached the main door. There was no turning back.

I ran through the small town the Potter's lived in. My legs burned. I was never good at sports, but I knew I had to keep on running. My paced died when I had gotten into the shopping district of town. I was completely lost. I decided to look around, maybe I could beg for some money; this town did not seem to have any homeless people. That's odd it was so unlike the town that I had lived in, but of course the Potters had to live in a perfect town with it's cobbled streets, flower shops, and café's, it was perfect just like them. People waved as I passed expecting a return, but I would never give it to these people. I pressed on determined to keep going until I had left it all behind. I knew I couldn't go into a store. In a small town like this, everyone was sure to know about me.

Then I realized it. I had nowhere to go to. Nobody would take me in. The streets were never kind. I knew that, I had run away from home often enough. Then father would…It doesn't matter anymore. I was a Slytherin. I have to survive, it is my instinct, and it is the only thing I have left. Life that's it. Nothing more, I just live day to day in fear. Was it worth it? When mother was alive, I swore I would become a Potions Master, then we could finally leave father, but then everything had to change. Father ruined my life when he was living, and now he still haunts me even after his death! People were now starting to stare. I pretended to look for something to buy.

I felt something land on my jacket. Wait, it happened again. Rain poured from out of the sky. I was now soaking wet, but it did not matter, I was probably going to get sick anyway. I pulled my jacket closer. I have been through worse before, besides father wasn't even here so why did I have to worry. The only people that I have are the Potters, and surely, they would not care if I died.

Then a young lady waved to me from a table at a café. I stopped immediately. She instantly remained me of Lily Evans, the girl I had a crush on. If only it would stop raining. Then it wouldn't appear so dark, but it seemed darkness has always followed me. She was beckoning me to come in. Did she think I was actually going to sit with her? _Yes, I would. _My feet started moving towards her. _Why did someone have to look so much like Lily Evans!? _

"Severus what are you doing here?"

In return, I answered her with a smart, "Wha?"

Why did I have to say something as idiotic as that? Of course, Lily had her spell on everybody. _Wait a minute this actually was Lily Evans!? _

"Evans what are you doing here!?" My usually emotionless mask had fully disappeared. I had to put it back on. "I mean" Those beautiful black eyes…_wait Lily had green eyes! _

I opened my eyes. Daydreaming seems to come more often now. I guess its because I have nothing else to hang on to. I quickly realized I was staring at a stranger at a café. She was watching me nervously. Why did I have to be so desperate!? I hid my face, and walked mortified into the nearest store I could find.

The moment I walked into the store I came to realize that the Potter's lived in a magical town. Only in a Wizarding Town , would you walk into a store with a portrait greeting you. The store seemed to be a joke shop. There were only kids in here, they all had smiling faces. I wished I had never walked in here. They reminded me of a 'normal' life, a life I could never experience. It was a life everyone at school seemed to have. It was as if they were all sucking the life from me, leaving a lifeless grey being. Someone that doesn't have the will to live, yet does not have the courage to let go.

Someone bumped into me. I turned around. At that moment, I felt all the life that I had possessed had escaped the room. He looked down on me; he was surprised, just like I was. We just stood there not knowing what to do.

My will gave out.

His wet hair dripped on me.

I lowered my eyes.

He sniggered.

I tried to bring up some courage, and looked back into his cold grey eyes.

He was smiling.

My heart sank.

Did I really have no will to go on? People in Slytherin were known for being survivors. Did surviving mean actually submitting to him? Of course, I would have to submit to him just like father. If I did not submit to father, I would not survive. Right now, I was at the bottom at the food chain, but I couldn't let him see me cry. Pride was something I could have, even in the face of my enemies. If I could muster it when I was humiliated in front of my fellow classmates, surely I could summon pride to help me here. I lifted my head, every second my emotions were becoming less and less needed.

He looked at me coolly, "Hey, Snivellus."

_I'm going to kill you for saying that! _

"How are you Black?"

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Tomorrow I have to do an report for English, it will not take long, but just to let you know if you get worried if I don't update. I might update on Thursday though. Don't worry I've become too attached to this to just leave it. Thanks, and happy reading.


	8. Memories? They are better left forgotten

Just Let Me Die

Chapter Eight: Memories? They are better left forgotten

Disclaimer: Not mine! If it were, I wouldn't have such a slow laptop.

Author's Note: Thank you everyone (yes this includes you sevschoosen1), I'l try to write the last chapter as fast as I can (no it is not the next one). Your reviews really make a difference. Well hope you enjoy. Thank you!

He hesitated. Of course, Sirius Black would be uncertain. He was also my rival just like James Potter. If we were back in school, the curses would have already been spoken, and I would be on the floor in mortification. I was good with curses, but it never seemed fair. Potter had three friends, well Lupin would sit out on all the pranks they did so it was three against one, which was either a compliment, or taking advantage of my inability to make friends. He probably thought that this was too weird, 'Snivellus' was actually acting polite, and he was just as creepy as I thought.

"Oh I forgot you were staying with James, so how is he."

_Be nice, he can kill you, don't be sarcastic, don't be sarcastic. _

"He's fine" I left it at that, afraid what I would say if I continued.

"Yeah, anyway tell him I'll be a little late."

_Sirius Black is staying! _This is why Potter has been so nice. He was just building up my strength, so when his friend came over they could torture me with twice the power.

"Are you coming to the house Black?" I tried to get my old voice I used at school back, but it was hidden in fear.

"Didn't James tell you?"

_Why would he tell me, if I had known this earlier, I would have run away! _

"Say Snivellus..."

How could you say that nickname so easily, am I that much of a freak that I don't deserve a real name!

"James parents bought a new house, and well I hate to ask you a favor, but I have no idea where it is?"

Well there goes my chance of running away, so it comes between the wrath of Mr. Potter, or Sirius Black. Mr. Potter does seem the lesser of two evils.

"I guess I could show you, Black, but first tell me what you are doing here." I had finally gotten my old voice back.

"Oh Snivellus, didn't you ever learn to stop putting that nose where it doesn't belong, oh wait! I forgot, your nose is so big tha-"

"Be quiet!" I couldn't' handle it anymore. I thought I could when I brought out my impassive voice, but I just couldn't take it. It was too much. Mr. Potter was going to kill me for yelling at him, James would torture me for existing, and soon I was going to go to Azkaban for killing a certain Sirius Black!

"Temper, temper, I would have guessed that a little of James would have rubbed off on you, but I think if I tried to help you all my attributes would just slide off from all your grease."

He smiled at me, that smile that had attracted most of the girls at school. The smile that had left he and his friends' unpunished while I suffered. At least Potter's smile had some innocence in it. Black's smile was dangerous.

"Do you want to go to Potter's house or are you just going to stand there talking about yourself as if you were some teenage girl." _Yes, that's it! Become detached. _

"Well…at least I could get girls!"

I concealed a smile on the inside, Black was desperate. "Touché"

"Wha?"

Was Black, really, that ignorant?

"Oh never mind Black just follow me."

He crossed his arms and muttered dramatically. He could always make such a big mess out of nothing.

When we went outside the shop and everybody noticed us I realized even though we were right next to each other we were really in different worlds. In Hogwarts, I could maybe be equal to him because of my high grades, but here I was nothing. He smiled at some of the young ladies that we walked passed. They waved back; some even asked if he was free.

_Stupid Black_. He was worse than Potter. He flaunted out his looks. He let his black long hair down. He made a charming smile, and unbuttoned his shirt to his chest making all the girls turn around and look at the flawless youth.

We were finally near the manor. I was dreading every step that I took. I tried to procrastinate, but Black seemed actually determined to see his friend.

"Why were you at that shop Black?" I tried to hide my fear again, but since we were so near to Potter's house, I shuttered.

"You cold Snivellus?"

"No, stop trying to dodge my question,"

"Fine, but if your really cold use your wand,"

_I don't have a wand!_ I gave him a smirk and sat down on the ground.

"What the hell are you doin' Snivellus!"

"Well you didn't want to answer my question so I'm just going to sit here until you tell me why you were at the joke shop."

He muttered something again. Then he took out his wand.

_Why is violence the only answer?_

"Snivellus at least get out your wand; if you die I want it to be a fair fight."

_Think, think…got it! _

"Don't worry about me; you said you wanted to be fair."

"Why you little,.. Mobili- Severus Snape!"

Suddenly my feet were moving. I struggled to keep them on the ground, but after a minute of struggling, I had to give up.

"Snivellus lets go to Potter's house NOW!" I knew Black had a temper, but I didn't think he was this extreme.

"Fine, just get this god-dammed curse off of me! "

"What?"

"What do you mean 'what', I said fine."

He seemed baffled by my reaction.

"You mean no sarcastic remarks, no fighting back?"

Maybe I just had to tell Black the truth, he might even let me live.

"What's the point I have no wand."

"No wand?" I thought Black would have reacted by now, taking advantage of me when I was unarmed. Finally, the words came out.

"Does James know?"

_What? _

"Why would Potter need to know if I didn't have a wand, he probably would have taken it when I got here anyway."

Black's temper was staring to show again. Why did I have to get him mad?

"James would never do that! James isn't a little creep like you always hiding trying to rat us out."

I tried to get a word in but he just kept yelling at me.

"Yeah that's right you are such a little freak, remember what happened last time you tried to find out one of our secrets. Remember what James did?"

Why did he have to bring up the past? "Shut up, it does not matter anyways."

I heard someone yelling behind me, it did not seem clear.

"Padfoot?"

What did that mean? I turned around. Potter was coming down the hill. Wait his parents weren't with him. I was alone with Potter, and Black. This day couldn't get any worse.

"Seve…Snivellus there you are!"

_Potter keep your mouth shut before I have to sew it! _

Black look at me confused. "Snivellus was missin'?"

"Yeah he got all crazy and ran out of the house."

Doesn't he even realize I am standing right next to him? Oh yeah, last year he beat me up for existing. I should just enjoy my invisibility while I still have it. I quietly planned to sneak away from the two. They seemed to find something incredibly funny, so I backed up. Let's see. There's a bunch of trees right there, maybe I could hide in their shadows.

"Snivellus?"

Why was I even trying to resist, bad luck followed me everywhere.

"What are you doing, you're not trying to sneak away are you?"

Potter always found me. Whether I was trying to hide under a tree, or sulking under a window. Those hazel eyes never seemed to get out of my head they were always watching, waiting.

"Potter now why would I do that, I was just giving you and Black room. You wouldn't want some greasy git to be listening to your conversation."

This had death sentence written all over it, but I was going to die soon anyway.

_I don't care, you have a wand. Beat me now, I dare you! _

"C'mon Snape lets get home." He pointed a wand at me. This was it. I was going to die!

"Mobili- Severus Snape."

He was just going to make me walk to the manor? Potter started to drag me to the manor with magic.

"Potter I can walk on my own!"

He looked back and smiled at me. "I can't have another incident like this morning; it would break father and mother's heart."

Now I understood he was saving me for his father, why couldn't he just kill me right here.

When I first arrived at the manor I was frightened, but back then I had done nothing wrong. Today I showed disrespect to an elder, and ran away. These were both crimes that I knew I had to pay with my flesh. I had known ever since I was young, and now I had clearly disobeyed the laws marked, on my back, inked with scars. Sirius and Potter talked but I did not hear a single word they had said.

It was over.

We passed the tall gate.

I prayed.

The manor door opened.

I held back my tears.

I braced myself.

Mrs. Potter hugged me tight.

_Wait, Mrs. Potter hugged me? _

"Ma'am please what are you doing, Mr. Potter would highly disapprove of this"

Right on cue, I heard the voice that I had been dreading. "Disapprove of what?"

"Si…Mr.…. Po…Potter." I tried to get Mrs. Potter off me but she seemed attached.

"Severus don't ever leave us again, you had me worried sick."

"Please ma'am, I am fine, Bla…Sirius saw me at the store, and..."

"Sirius!"

She immediately let go of my body.

"Oh Sirius it is so great to see you again!" She hugged Sirius with her python grip.

I almost smiled, at least Black was getting some payback, but then Mr. Potter looked at me. He turned around and went into the next room. I knew I had to follow him. I looked back at James, Mrs. Potter, and Sirius. They were having a great time chatting about things normal people would talk about. There was no such thing as suffering for these people, they had given that gift to me. I glanced at them one last time. Well at least it was a good memory to leave this world with, even though it was not my own.


	9. Pray? I tried, it dosn't work

Just Let Me Die

Chapter Nine: Pray? I tried, it doesn't work

Disclaimer: Simply put: I. Do. Not. Own. This.

We seemed to enter an unused living room. There was nothing but an old dusty Victorian couch, and a cold grey fireplace. He must have taken all the items out of the room; you can't have blood on good furniture.

"Severus"

I flinched. I knew it was coming, but why did it have to end like this.

"S…Sir?"

"Why did you run away today?"

Wait I had heard those words before! That is what father said when…

"_Why did you run away today?" _

"_Fa…father…please you scared…" _

_A beer bottle flew across the room hitting the wall. He was going to beat me again, but at least mother was in the kitchen. _

"_Don't call me father boy, not tonight, tonight you are going to learn a lesson you'll never furget! Now call me 'sir'" _

_Father never made me call him 'sir' before, only to other people. This was bad, really bad. _

"_Sir, I ran away because…" Should I tell him the truth? "Cause' what boy? Hurry it up, I promised I'd be at the pub at ten." _

_There was no point I was going to be beaten for it anyway._

"_I…ran…because…mother told me to." I stared at the ground. Nothing was more important than that blood stained carpet. I tried to empty away all emotions. He snapped me out of it when I felt him grab my shoulders. _

"_Look at me boy!" _

_Suddenly I felt pain coming from my hair. He was pulling it out! _

"_Look at me when I talk!" _

"_Y…yes…" He gave me an even tighter pull causing some hair to come out. "Yes…s…sir." _

"_Now what did your mother say?" He pushed me to the ground. "Answer me NOW!" _

"_Sh…she…told me…to…r…run to…my…family." _

"_What family, aren't we a family!?" _

_"S…she said I h…had s…some fa…family that were…wizards." My eyes opened fully. I had said the w-word. Fear was definitely making more careless with my words. I need to control my tongue. I bit down on it. Blood came out, I bit harder. _

"_What the hell are you doin'!" _

_I let go. Blood came down my chin. He looked at me in disgust. _

"_Eileen!" He cried like a spoiled child. _

_No, don't bring her into this mess!_

_Mother came from out of the kitchen. From her red eyes, I could tell she was crying. _

"_Tobias, he is but a boy." _

_He ran over to her, and dragged her to the floor. I had never seen this side of father before. When he is drunk, he usually just passes out before hitting anyone. He had only appeared this way today when that Headmaster came. Wait, maybe father hated the headmaster! Then this was my fault. I ran to mother. A large hand shoved me out of the way. _

"_Get out of the way idiot, can't you sees I'm dealings with your mother!" _

_Beat me, please don't beat mother!_

_I jumped up and bit his arm. Blood and whiskey came into my mouth. Father punched my face. _

"_Eileen!" What the hell did you give birth to! He's one of those freaks from your world. He might even be a vampire!" _

"_Tobias, please he is just eleven years old!" Mother let go off the mask that she had taught me to have, and was in tears. Father must be really angry tonight. When she cried I usually ended up blacking out from pain that he caused, at least I had that blessing. At least when I fell unconscious there would be no more pain. _

_Father started talking to that imaginary being again, "I don't care we have to kill that freak!" _

_I was glad that I had started to grow my hair out. I hid behind its greasy black curtain. My mum was still on the ground, the floor turned even darker red. _

"_Tobias, please remember what Dumbledore said." _

_Once he heard that name, he went over the beaten wooden table and grabbed another jug of whiskey. "That son of a…" He drank another mouthful of the liquid. "Tryin' tah threatens me, and my family. " _

_He sat down, and in between words would take a gulp one after another. I thought he was going to pass out from all the liquor, but I could never be that lucky. He got up and stared at a wall. "I jus' don' care anymore!" He yelled at the imaginary figure. This was definitely bad. _

"_Boy come ere'!" _

_I passed my weeping mother, and went up to my father. _

"_Y…yes?" _

_He started unbuckling his belt. I hated the belt! I had it often enough, but I could never get used to it. _

"_Yes s...sir?" _

"_You won' tell what gonna happen' tonight, wills ya? _

_He was getting worse every second. I prayed that he would faint, but I feared this would be another prayer left unanswered. _

_"N…no sir." _

"_Good, cuz if you's do you kno' wha' I'll do to ye?" _

"_Y…yes s…sir." _

_He gave me a drunken smile. Father had never smiled at me before. I thought people smiled when they were happy, but I guess seeing me in pain makes him happy. _

"_Aw I though' you were bright boy, but that is the wrong answer." He smiled even more. "You don'ts know wha' I'll do but tonight you'll learn. Then you'll never furget." _

"_Y…yes s…s…sir." _

_He pulled the already unbuckled belt out of his pants. What could be worse than the pain of leather digging into my bare flesh?_

"_Now boy, you have to understands, never trust those wizardy people, don' trust nobody gots that!" _

"_Yes s…sir" _

"_Good now turn around' like a good boy." I turned around and faced mother. Instead of crying, she stared at me in horror. _

_Its okay mother, today I saw you smile. _

"_Now boy, you needs to coun' an' if you mess up you'll wish you were dead." _

_I faced mother assuring her with an emotionless face. The very second the belt flew down on my back my mask ripped apart. Metal and leather went into my skin, shredding it apart. My body fell to the floor. I was used to pain, but father had never used this part of the belt before. I looked at my mother; she almost rushed forward, but seemed to decide it would be safer for me if she stayed put. _

"_What number we on, boy?" _

"_N…nu…number?" _

_Another hit ripped across my back. Yes there were things worse than plain leather.. _

"_That's for disrespectin' me!" _

"_One." _

_I had tried to say this with some strength behind it, but not tonight: tonight I would just try to survive. Mother still needed me. _

"_Good." I looked up at father, He smiled back at me, and told me to face mother. His smile seemed so innocent. "Make these yer' laws boy!" _

_The blows came again and again. I knew that what he said, before every hit, would become a part of me, just like the marks they left. _

_Never trust. _

_Never disrespect. _

_Never cry. _

_Never run away. _

_These came up the most. I prayed again, this time I just wanted to black out from the agony. As usual, no one came to answer my plea._


	10. Nightmares? My life is one

Just Let Me Die

Chapter Ten: Nightmares? My life is one

Disclaimer: Nope none of this is mine.

A/N: Sorry I haven't updated. There's this fire in So. California, so we had to prepare to evacuate. Anyway, I've also been sick so I have energy to do anything. Thank you to the people that did review. If you want to review please to hesitate at all. I need all the advice I can get. Thanks sevschoosen1 again and everyone else. Hope you like this chapter.

* * *

"Severus!"

"Y…yes..."

"Snap out of it!"

Who was talking? This was not my father's voice, this person sounded like they could actually put a proper sentence together.

_Where was I? _

"Severus listen to me, it's alright, every thing is fine."

_How could anything be fine!? _

I remembered father's lesson, and stayed quiet. My head and throat throbbed. I closed my eyes and dreamt I was anywhere but here. I closed my eyes hard and drowned out everything that was happening. Then, I felt like I was floating. Wait… I actually was floating!? All the haziness had faded away. This was not home; this was…Potter's house…

"Mr. Potter?" My voice was hoarse. It was if I had been screaming for hours nonstop.

The spell wore off in Mr. Potter's surprise. I landed roughly on the floor.

"Severus I'm so sorry, you surprised me!" Mr. Potter smiled at me. I shuddered.

_Did he like to see me in pain to? _

"It…it was nothing…sir." I pulled myself up. He had offered me his hand, but I had politely refused.

_Never trust_.

He lifted up his wand; ready to use magic to carry me again.

"Sir, please, I can walk on my own."

"Oh, of course! Let's hurry to my study. We need to talk"

"Yes sir"

* * *

Mr. Potter ushered me into a chair. I sat down on the end awaiting my fate. He seemed to be studying me. I had to break this silence, but I knew if I did, something else would break. At last, he opened his mouth.

"Severus, are you happy?"

_What kind of question is that!? _

"I'll live sir"

He walked towards me. "I mean it, Severus, are you happy!"

"I don't know sir, what is it like?" He stared at me is as if I had asked the strangest question.

"Sorry sir." I dropped my gaze.

"Severus don't…what…Severus look at me."

I looked back into his eyes. They seemed so welcoming.

"What don't you get?"

Wasn't it simple enough?

"Happiness sir."

Then he looked frustrated. He started mumbling. "Albus was right…his father…that bastard…"

Finally, he regained his poise, and looked at me.

"Severus did your father beat you?"

Wasn't it obvious, but I guess Potter's father would be just like his son. Still I didn't want this man to get involved even if he was my 'father'. You couldn't bury the past properly if anyone knew.

"Beat me sir?"

He grabbed my shoulders and looked strait at me with a grave face. "Severus you know what I am talking about."

What proof did he have…well he did see my back but that could have been made by someone else.

"If you're worried about my back well I can explain…"

"This had nothing at all to do with your back!"

"Still there is no proof sir." I knew I was losing this argument, but I did not want him to figure it out.

His eyes started twinkling like Dumbledore's. He definitely knew something. "Ah… that is where you got it wrong, James did mention something about beatings, and you were trying to cover something up about blood."

_That rat! James was actually snitching to his father this whole time! _

Mr. Potter must have seen my expression. "It was not his fault though, so don't blame him, I was the one that had tricked him."

James Potter was still a liar…but what else was new.

"Now lets see first I had visibly seen the marks on your back, James had told me that you had been beaten, and the last clue you have just given to me."

Father would have never been able to think this much; maybe I do prefer dimwitted fathers. Problem was I don't recall telling Mr. Potter about my past.

"Does your throat hurt?"

"Wha...how did you know sir?"

"You were scre…"

"Severus!"

Mrs. Potter ran into the room, and clung on to me again.

"Severus don't let my husband scare you, he just likes playing detective." She smiled at him. I don't think I'll ever comprehend anything going on in this house.

"Dear, stop embarrassing me!"

She continued to ignore him.

"Severus are you okay, did he scare you."

"N…no ma'am"

"You're shaking like a leaf!"

She glared at Mr. Potter. "What did you say to him?"

"N…nothing dear."

"Severus you know you can talk to me about anything, now why were you screaming?"

_Me yell? Never disrespect. _I had yelled at the Potters!

"Please, I had no idea."

She also seemed to be studying me. "He didn't tell you yet?"

Mr. Potter came in between us. "See what happens when you bother me, now let me finish this investigation!"

She pulled her husband away and faced him. "No I am not going anywhere, he will tell both of us!"

"Aw… but I wanted to be the good cop!"

Mr. Potter seemed to get more childish every minute.

"Good cop, what's that, have you been watching muggle shows again!?"

He turned back to me. "Severus, don't let this squabbling old couple…"

Mrs. Potter hit him. This was definitely bizarre.

"We are not old!"

Mr. Potter backed away from his wife, and then looked at me. I flinched in fear. It seems I had made another wrong move. His smiling face disappeared.

"Severus it's late, go to sleep." He rubbed his temples and sank in a chair. It seems I was being sent to my room for punishment. No wonder Potter turned out so spoiled.

I steeped out of the room cautiously.

_Was this a trap? Did Mr. Potter want to seem vulnerable for a purpose? _

If I turned my back, would he have a belt in his hands ready to strike? I went to my room assured that I was alone, but Mr. .Potter had that bloody invisibility cloak.

_He could be behind me right now! _

I glanced behind me, but the house seemed dead. Well all except the noise from downstairs. Sirius must still be charming the Potter's with his jokes. I sighed. I heard Mr. Potter's deep laugh downstairs. At least if he was with Sirius I could be alone in my room tonight.

* * *

I actually was allowed to sleep in a room tonight! I was afraid it was some cruel joke that Mr. Potter had thought up. When I was in trouble father usually locked me outside, but I guess Mr. Potter didn't want to have some kid wandering around in his beautiful gardens. I changed into my old pants. I looked out of the window. It would be a warm night. At least it was still summer, so if I ever did have to be locked out I wouldn't have to be freezing. I took off my shirt, and laid down in my bed grateful for the blessing. Just when I thought I might be able to finally fall asleep my stomach begged for food, but I knew I couldn't have it. Mr. Potter sent me up here for a reason. He knew that I hadn't had food in days. Starvation was one of my least favorite punishments. It was both mentally and physically sickening. Physical pain was never as hard as mental pain, but when you combined both it seemed to tear you up from the inside out. I went to the connecting bathroom, and drank some of the tap water. I may be cheating, but life was never fair to begin with.

I fell back into my bed. The magical lamp turned off as I put the cover over my head, and hid under the imaginary shelter. My dreams would be full of nightmares, but at least those nightmares were false. Real life was the nightmare that I had feared most…

I was in a dark world. Someone crushing, trying to suffocate me. I just lay there with open arms embracing the invitation. This was too good to be true. I heard a yell, but it wasn't mine.

"What the hell!?"

Wait this was not a dream. I was in my bed, and something was on top of me!

"What the hell is in my bed?"

The covers flew off. Why did I not wear a shirt?

"Snivellus!?"

The lamp turned on. I tried to hide my scars but it was useless. Black had surely seen them. I hid my face in disgrace.

"What is going on here Snivellus!?"

Should I speak? I opened my mouth, but still no words came. He stared at me.

"Well this is a first, are you actually speechless"

Was there still some dignity left in my battered body?

"Black, you wouldn't be able to comprehend half the things I say so, I try not to bother."

He jumped back and reached pocket for a wand. I guess habits don't die easily. I stood there. There was no point in resisting fate after all.

"C'mon Snivel…"

Understanding dawned on his face, probably for the first time.

"…Sorry Sniv…Snape I forgot, I'll put this away."

He was pitying me. It was because of these damn scars! The silence continued.

"I'll… umm… get you a shirt."

Black probably needed something to hide my repulsive marks. He went over to the wardrobe.

"This where you put your clothes?"

_He was going to see! _He already saw my scarred body; I did not want to be even more degraded.

"No…please Black!

He stopped immediately. "What did you say?"

Did I say something wrong? I repeated myself trying to find out what I had said wrong. "No, please Black?"

Please! That was it; he had never heard me say it without being sarcastic before.

"What changed Snape? James manners can be worse than yours so who did this to you?"

I have been this way all my life, the bitterness is just a way of shrouding my other life.

"N…nothing, nothing has changed."

"C'mon that's not the truth, now tell me or else!"

_Or else what!_

"I know you are hiding something in here, now me the truth!"

_That was the truth! _

"I…I…have nothing else to say."

He dramatically reached for the door making a drum roll, as if this couldn't be any more humiliating.

"And the winner is!"

He opened the wardrobe.

Black's usually pleased and happy expression faded, as I hid my face burning from shame.

* * *

_A/N:I tried to make the first part a little bit 'lighter' because of the previous chapter, but it seems I can't write that way at all. If you see a difference I'd be grateful for feedback. Thank you._


	11. Equality? Does it even exist

Just Let Me Die

Chapter Eleven: Equality? Does it even exist

Disclaimer: I own somthing...but it's not this.

A/N: Please, please review! Please tell me what you think about this chapter. My internet is acting up so it might take longer to update. Sorry! Well I hope you like this chapter.

* * *

"Is this a joke?" 

Black stared into the wardrobe. Shamefully the only possessions that were in there was the clothing that the Potter's had supplied me, and the clothing I had when I had left my old house. Wasting no time I grabbed my clothes, the only items that I owned, and turned my back to him. They made me even more ashamed by looking at them, and to think when I had first gotten the clothes I was overjoyed. Black had to ruin that too. He sat down on the bed. I stayed there motionless. Would he laugh now? Would he ridicule me until I cried then call me that idiotic nickname again? I hid my clothing in the darkness of the wardrobe. He was still staring at me. I prepared my mind for the worst.

_Black was not going to see me cry. I would not let him! _

He stood up and paced around the room.

"Is this your room now?"

I lifted my head up. It sounded like he didn't want to mock me, or maybe that was just wishful thinking.

"Are…are you trying to change the subject Black?"

"You gonna stop me!"

So much for not getting him angry.

"N…no."

Black's temper was getting the better of him again. "What's with you? You don't act this way at school!"

Well I told him the truth once, maybe he won't hurt me if I say it again.

"I…I can't…Mr. P…Potter, he…will-"

"I think I like you better when your in school, it's not like I'm goanna kill you."

That was a relief…or maybe it was worse to live in endless suffering.

"Mr. Potter didn't tell me why you were staying," continued Sirius.

_Controlled voice… _

"My parents died… as my only family, the Potter's took me in."

"Wait you're really related!"

_Sadly_

"It really isn't that bad, I'm glad Mr. Potter isn't angry a freak is staying at his house."

"Freak?"

Was I actually about to confide my past with Sirius Black! I really needed rest.

"Oh nothing, just something my father wou…what time is it?"

He had simply ignored my plea of changing the subject. He looked at me with grey eyes that were full of life.

"You know that reminds me of something Mr. Potter said once 'If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals."

"I think Mr. Potter is right, I think when he said this he was talking about you!"

_When has Black ever treated me like an equal! _

"What do you mean, you are an equal."

"So ganging up on me and humiliating me in front of everyone is equality!"

_I really wish I had a wand, then I could… _

"Aw c'mon you are top in most of the classes, you know James and I don't ever pay attention in class."

That still doesn't say why you like to torture me.

"I think it's time for us to go to sleep." I did not want to bring up anything else tonight. He might bring up things I would never want to discuss with anyone.

Black grinned at me. "Well the Potter's went to sleep, and usually this is the guest room so…"

I simply took my pillow and fell to the floor.

"That's not what I meant Sni…Snape."

I ignored him. I was just going to end up here in the morning anyway.

* * *

I heard a knock on the door. 

Did I sleep in late? Last time I slept in late was when I was five…I wasn't allowed to eat for three days, so I never slept in again.

"Severus?"

I quickly went to the door and found Mrs. Potter grinning at me in a very vibrant nightgown.

"I…I am sorry did I oversleep?"

"Are you guys almost ready?"

"What for?"

"You mean Sirius didn't tell you, we're going to shopping today…we were suppose to leave an hour ago."

_Black was trying to get me into trouble again! _

"Again I apologize, if Bl…Sirius had told me I...I would have woken up sooner."

My stomach began growling again. Mrs. Potter looked at my protruding ribs.

"Do you want some breakfast Severus?"

_How could she say that! _She knew all too well that Mr. Potter had ordered me to go to my room. Maybe this was a trap to get me in even more trouble because I did not wake Black on time.

"Is the punishment over then?"

I had to choose my words carefully if I had said the wrong words I would be beaten and I would have to go hungry even longer.

"Punishment?"

Ah, so she was playing innocent, she did know and wanted to hear say it.

"Yes ma'am the punishment that Mr. Potter had given me..."

I hated to admit the truth, but she wanted to hear it.

"The punishment of starvation until Mr. Potter is satisfied with my apology."

I said the words mechanically. She stood there wordless.

_Did I say something wrong? _

I thought a slap would be an adequate punishment, but she went into the hallway and called for Mr. Potter. Father didn't hit me the night I had said those words perfectly for him. Why did she call for him?

She went to the door and looked at me sadly. If she was going to get all emotional about it why tell?

I heard Mr. Potter come closer.

"Severus?"

_How much trouble could I get to in less than a week? _

"What happened Severus, my wife said something about punishment?"

Could I bring myself to talk? His words were probably full of hidden traps waiting to find my weakness.

"I…a…am very sorry sir…I didn't mean…I…I…"

He raised up his hand. I cringed; he was finally going to hit me. Instead, he gave me a look of surprise.

"Oh, this is not what it looks like Severus…I just raised my hands to show I mean no harm."

He smiled at me, but I could see the displeasure in his eyes. I just didn't get it. Raising of ones hands meant that you were going to be beaten, but Mr. Potter says it means the opposite. These people were defiantly different.

"Well anyway you seem hungry."

He looked at my growling stomach.

_I am never going to sleep without a shirt again! _

"Th…then my punishment is over…"

He looked at me in puzzlement.

"Sir." I added promptly.

He looked even more perplexed.

"Severus what punishment are we talking about?"

"You…you told me to go to…to my room sir."

"What!"

_I had said something wrong again! What was the matter with me?_

"La…last night…you tol…told me to go…to my room."

I braced myself for the usual smack. It didn't come.

"Severus you can open your eyes."

I cracked them open. Mr. Potter looked at me sadly.

"Severus it's alright you did nothing wrong."

Was this the trap? Of course I did something wrong, that's all I ever did. I stayed silent.

"Well then I guess we should hurry."

He grabbed his wand. Not wanting to anger him again I used all my strength to not draw back.

"We'll meet James and Sirius later, but first let's go eat at Diagon Ally."

_Not there again._

"Then we can go get your things for school."

_Wait, I was going back to school! _I had almost forgotten that summer was just about over; I could finally go back to school. Finally, I'll be away from everyone again.

"Hold on to me we're going to apparate."

Without thinking, I listened to his orders. Just like I did with father. All I could ever do was to submit, no matter how intelligent I was, I still turned into a mindless tool, but at least if I was with him, I wouldn't be attacked like last time…or could it still get worse?


	12. Happiness? It can never last

Just Let Me Die

Chapter Twelve: Happiness? It can never last

A/N: Thank you Sevschoosen1, I mean that. I really am grateful for your suggestions and grammer corrections (I can never tell where semicolon? ; goes). Thank you everyone who reviewed.

wynnleaf- Well I think Mr. Potter does get it, but Severus is smart enough to not let him know the full story. I hope this chapter helps.

mazipaan- Thank you for reviewing for many of the chapters (I wish I could do that). Let me know if this chapter explains why Severus didn't eat.

lilithakaducky- I didn't even realize that! Thank you for pointing that out.

Please, please review. I don't mind criticm or questions at all. It really helps me develop the next chapter better. Please, just leave a simple comment, anything. I'm going to have to start begging soon...

Before I forget. Severus's wand theroy (you'll see later in the chapter) is from I couldn't figure any of the wood or cores out without that essay. Hope you like this chapter.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of this.

* * *

He took out his wand. 

"Do you have a good grip on me, I don't want to you get lost when we apparate to Diagon Alley."

"Y…yes sir."

Mrs. Potter quickly put a robe over my body.

"Goodbye dear." As she waved goodbye Mr. Potter started saying the spell.

His wand glowed, and suddenly I felt like my body was leaving the soul. Then pain started to come. I bit down on my lip so I wouldn't scream. I definitely preferred floo. Of all the wizarding forms of transportation I loathed this one the most. It felt like I was going to be ripped from reality. Perhaps Mr. Potter didn't feel this way because he had something to hold onto. Maybe I was the only one that felt like this…

* * *

In an instant we were back on solid ground. I tasted blood all over my mouth. 

_This was my blood! _

I must have bit down a little too hard. I hid my face quickly. If Mr. Potter saw me like this he would certainly get angry. I kept my eyes on the ground. I smelled alcohol all around us. Though it smelled nothing like the repulsive stuff father drank, there was defiantly alcohol here.

"Let's get you something to eat; I don't want you to pass out today." He laughed as if all of this were a joke.

We sat down at a small wooden table. It had reminded me so much of back then. It was just like the one back home with it's beer stains, well at least this one did not have blood.

"What do you want to eat?"

I looked up briefly. He stared at me as if I had a something growing out of my head.

_Wait! _

The blood all over me, he saw! This is what happens when you leave your guard down! I quickly put my head back down.

"Severus what happened?"

Glimpses of father punching me suddenly filled my mind.

"Please I didn't mean to sir, I s…swear I will never do it again." I forced myself not to cry by clutching the edge of the chair. If I couldn't bite my lip I had to do something.

"It's alright, compulsory right?

"Sir?"

"It means you can't avoid it."

_I know what compulsory is, do you think I'm some idiot! _

I knew I would be dead if I ever corrected an adult so I stayed silent. He stood up. I was about to lick my lips, but stopped myself. It did help with wiping the blood away, but I did not know what type of reaction he would have. Would it be 'freak', 'monster', or something else? Nevertheless I was going to face him with the dignity that I had left.

I looked back up at him.

His wand was pointing strait at my face!

At least my father didn't have magic. I glanced at the people around the dingy room. They were all too preoccupied to see a man about to attack some insignificant kid.

"Scourify."

The blood disappeared.

He smiled at me and sat back down.

I knew that spell all too well. I had used it often enough at school when his son was finished with me, but why did he use it on me? Maybe he was saving the beating for when we got home.

When he put his wand away in his pocket I finally felt a little relived. He wouldn't beat me here in front of these people. At least I didn't have to worry until the end of the day.

"Let's get you something to eat."

_He was still going to let me eat!_

Either he was crazy or he was being too lenient. I would defiantly prefer the second option.

"Sorry sir…I don't know what I want, y…you can choose."

"Severus you really need to eat."

"I…I can have anything sir, please…j…just don't…don't…"

_Hit me. _

If I said this it would only confirm his thoughts. I wouldn't be able to bury my past for good if he knew, it would just keep coming back. I could be the only one who would know, even if this secret had to die with me.

"When was the last time you ate?"

When was that? I think it was the day everything fell apart, the day I was tied up library. Ever since then everything that I did went wrong. How many days ago was that?

"It doesn't matter Severus, now let's get some food."

He called a man over.

"I think he might want the special, and I'll just have a coffee."

_Special? What was that! _

"Oh what do you want to drink?"

"C…could I have water?"

The man shrugged. "Sure."

Once he left, our table remained quiet. He wanted to ask me something, I could just tell.

"Severus?"

I raised my guard, but could it be any higher?

He hadn't hesitated asking something before.

Mr. Potter tried again. "What…I mean when…"

"Here's your food."

_Right on time. _

The man slid the food onto the table. Right then I forgot all about Mr. Potter. I really must remember this 'special'. On the plate was enough food to last me days. There was toast, eggs, bacon, sausages, a muffin, and some fruit. It was all just too much. I stared at the food. Finally I picked up the fork. I glanced up at Mr. Potter. He was staring at the door sipping his coffee.

I wouldn't survive long if I didn't eat.

After the first bite, I couldn't stop myself. My body took over, desperate for sustenance. I took one bite after another. Never before I felt so full .Finally over half the plate was empty. There was still so much left though. Would he be mad if I didn't eat it all? I lifted up my fork again fearing what would happen if I did not eat all that was given to me.

"Severus are you full?"

What should I answer?

"Y…yes."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anything sir."

"Why didn't you eat earlier?"

Let's see the first night without food was when I was bound to the library floor. Yesterday morning I ran away. Last night I wasn't allowed to eat. Well I have been through worse; at least it hasn't been a week.

"I…I was not hungry."

I really was losing my touch. Even a gullible person wouldn't fall for it.

"I see, well lets hurry up, I don't want to be late."

"Late?"

"You didn't know?"

Why would I be asking!?

"You need some new clothes, and the store will be crowded if we don't get there on time."

I stared down at my clothing. I only wore a robe, pants, and slippers.

"Let's hurry before a crowd comes."

I expected we would walk out of the front door like normal people, but he headed for the back door.

What was he doing, couldn't he see Diagon Alley was that way.

"Mr. Potter?"

He turned to me. Maybe I should have stayed quiet.

"A…are we going to Diagon Alley?"

"Of course we are, haven't you been before?"

"No sir"

"Well some family's like to get there items at Hogsmade, items there are cheaper anyway."

Hogsmade? Wait that was that place all the students got to go to. Father never signed my paper allowing me permission to spend a day there. He said I was lucky that the school loaned out books, supplies, and clothes. Then he would drink away another bottle that could have helped pay for everything, but as always he got his way.

I was starting to question his sanity when we had stopped at a brick wall. He took out his wand and tapped the wall. It started moving! The magical barrier had opened into a whole new world. There was an array of brightly colored shops, but since it was still early few people wandered the streets.

"Good not a lot of people are here."

_Was he that ashamed of me? _

We stared walking down the rows of shops.

I looked out for the place where Slughorn said my loaned clothes were from. Mr. Potter would surely buy me some secondhand clothing.

Wait there it was! I stared heading towards it.

"Severus where are you going?"

I stood in the middle of the street.

"Isn't this the s...shop where I am suppose to get my clothing?"

"I think you are thinking of a different shop, the place we're going is just down this way."

When we entered the shop I was sure that this was where he had bought me those clothes from last time. The clothing here was not at all tattered, and seemed pretty expensive.

"Madame?"

"Right here."

I caught a flash of purple. A squat woman in an all purple outfit came up to us.

"Who's this?" She sounded very nice, but I could be wrong.

"This is Severus."

I lifted my head. Her eyes widened, and her smile vanished.

_Why did I have that effect on people? _

"How could you let the boy leave the house like this!"

"Well you know me, once I get an idea into my head I just go right through with it."

"The boy is not properly dressed; he's only in a robe, pants and slippers!"

Mr. Potter seemed embarrassed…_wait a Potter embarrassed! _

"I don't know what came into me, Severus needed to get out of the house, and he didn't have any clothes so I decided to stop by."

_The genetics were amazing, James must be very proud. _

He gave her a charming smile. Persuaded by his charm she led me onto a stool.

"Can you tell me what size you usually wear?"

"I…um…" I had never bought my own clothing before, how was I supposed to know.

"Never mind just take off the robe."

Mr. Potter lifted up his hand, about to stop her but put it down.

Did he want her to see? Was this all just to make fun of me?

He nodded to me.

I quickly let the robe fall to the ground. Dead silence followed. I felt her gaze on me. I bent down to pick up the robe.

"What are you doing, I can't measure you right if you're moving like that."

_She really didn't care about those marks across my back! _Maybe she was used to this.

She went to the back room and handed me the clothing. Then she tapped them with her wand.

"Here these should fit, now just go into that room and change. I need to talk to your…um I need to speak to Mr. Potter."

I went into the room. If I had thought the clothing that the Potter's presented to me earlier was luxurious…this feeling was so unreal. The clothes fit perfectly, and were soft yet perfect. I made sure everything was in place. I stepped out of the room. Mr. Potter was waiting for me at the entrance.

"Let's go Severus we have a busy day ahead.

Maybe he actually wasn't mad at me…maybe…_Don't get your hopes up! _I had to scold myself again. If I let anything slip, it would all be over. He would start asking me questions, then memories that I had been able to get rid of would come back. I can't let that happen. I looked up. Mr. Potter was already ten feet ahead of me.

_Did he even notice I was gone?_

I caught up to him. He looked completely different from usual. His carefree smile vanished, his lively eyes were replaced by a dull color; something was up. I stayed silent behind him. He stopped dead in his tracks. I bumped into his back.

"Severus were you behind me this whole time?"

"Y…yes"

"Well…do you remember the money that James gave you?"

"Money?"

"When we left on the first day James should have handed you a sack."

I remember now…he gave me a sack right before we left.

"Sorry sir l…left it in the wardrobe."

_What was so important about that now? _

"Severus listen."

He handed me another sack, just like the one James gave me.

"I want you to go to that shop over there; the man will get you what you need. I just need to…just meet me out here when you're done, we need to talk."

He walked over lifelessly to a café. Then he sank down into a chair.

Rather than to disobey his orders I quickly went into the shop he pointed at. The shop had peeling gold letters that read 'Ollivanders'.

* * *

I think I heard of this place before. When I stepped inside my thoughts were confirmed. Thousands upon thousands of boxes were piled up to the ceiling. Inside the boxes were surely wands. 

_I was going to have a wand again! _

I went up to the counter.

"I…is anybody here?"

A white haired man with pale eyes came from under the counter.

"Oh just wait a minute, I am in the middle of sorting."

"S…sorry s…sir."

He put two boxes on a high counter and came to me. His pale eyes looked into mine.

"Let me guess; you're Eileen Prince's son?"

The mere mention of her name made my body went cold. I nodded, to afraid to ask how he knew her.

"This is the first time I've seen you…strange…very strange…"

Mr. Potter could be fooled, but this man; there was something about him that unnerved me.

"Oh sorry, now let's see what wand will choose you."

He handed me a wand

"This is something like your mother's."

I took it from his hands, my own trembling. This is like mother's wand…please…let this work…

The wand brightened, a light came out causing a fire to burn some of the boxes. The man grabbed the wand from me.

"Maybe not that one. Let me think."

He circled around the crowded room in thought.

"I do not think your father purchased a wand here. Yes, I'm fairly certain he did not purchase one here, what kind of wand did he have?"

_I will be able to withstand, just a little longer. I will hold out until I get a wand! _

"My father he…he…"

_No I couldn't say the truth. _Last time one of those full blood wizards found out I nearly died.

"…I…don't know, but I think it was good for offence."

He looked at me curiously. "That does sound interesting…

He went up one of the ladders. He came back to the counter.

"Now try this." Again he handed me a wand.

This one made me tremble not because it reminded me of mother, but because of it's beauty. My first wand was a used one, so it was not useful or magnificent. It was made for charms, not for attacking.

This one I could feel its power flowing through me. It was if all my wounds had faded, giving me a new life. As quick as it had come the feeling had emptied, but not fully.

"That is very interesting."

I was a naturally curious person, and aided with my new strength I dared to ask him.

"Sir…please…t…tell me, what is interesting?"

"Well you see, your mother's wand was made for protection, and your father's was used for offence. I used ebony, which balanced it out. Then the core it made out of dragon heartstring. It can be used well for defense yet is also good for offence."

His last words struck out. This wand was definitely my perfect match. Now I wouldn't have to just be a victim, but I could be in defense. If I wanted to I could also finally fight back.

"T…thank you sir"

I paid him and left happily. Was this is a dream? No, it couldn't be. I don't have dreams I have nightmares. I tucked my wand safely in the deep pockets of my new robe. For the first time life was going well. I had nearly forgotten this feeling.

…Happiness…

I continued down the road to where Mr. Potter was at. Nothing not even a beating could ruin this day.

"Hello Snape."

I turned around.

Defiantly something could ruin this feeling. The happiness that had lingered behind completely emptied as I confirmed his identity.

_How could I be so wrong? _

* * *

A/N: Now I'm going to start to beg. Please could you review. You can even send me a private message. I need feedback in case I missed somthing or if I got some infromation wrong. Your reviews really help. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. 


	13. Pain? It's Proof You're Alive

Just Let Me Die

Chapter 13: Pain? It's Proof Your Alive

Disclaimer: You all know the drill. It belongs to J.K. Rowling. Are you actually still reading this?

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews. Thank you sevschoosen1for the advice and grammer help. Also thank you mazipaan for translating this into German. For those flames in the reviews: O.k. I know I'm not the best writer, but do what I can. I can't help it if I have no ability to write action. I tried to use peoples advice when writing this last chapter, so...hope you all like this chapter. Oh yeah I kind of stole the title from the Loveless manga, but it seemed to fit. Thank you.

* * *

I stood in the street motionless. 

_Was it really him?_

I looked at the tall blond. His shining teeth glowed when he smiled at me. I tried to hide my own mouth, which was stained yellow. His grey eyes were full of life, but also glowed with a sense of pride. He swished his robes as he came over to me.

Yes, it was defiantly him, Lucius Malfoy.

He used to go to school with me, but he was years ahead of me. His torturing skills were just as good as Potters, but at least he was gone. He didn't care if I was in Slytherin or not. It was because I was different. That's probably why Potter beat me up too.

"Snape it would be impolite to ignore me."

His voice woke me up from my daze.

"Hello Malfoy. I spat the words out at him.

Why of all people did it have to be him?

"What brings you to Diagon Alley, Snape?"

Maybe I can talk to him civilly.

"I just needed to buy some school items."

What was behind those grey eyes, did they still remember? Would those memories come back now after I tried so hard to make myself forget?

"You're still in school? It seems like ages since I've been to Hogwarts, I've gotten a job at the Ministry you know."

He's just as conceited as he was back in Hogwarts.

"Congratulations, now I think I have to be going."

I turned back heading towards Mr. Potter.

"Where do you think your going?"

He placed a hand on my shoulder.

"I want to talk to you."

I knew I could not escape his grip, but I had to try something.

"I have to go see…I'm meeting som-"

He started to laugh.

"You meet someone. Be serious."

But that wasn't a lie…

He led me through crowded streets, his hand digging into my shoulder. After awhile people were becoming scarce.

"Where are you taking me?"

I knew I was not as vulnerable now without a wand, but Malfoy could be dangerous.

"You'll see."

He gave me a smirk that chilled my bones. As we were walking the shops were starting to seem familiar. I had been here before, but I had never been to Diagon Alley so how could this be possible? We stopped at a door.

"As a Slytherin do you promise not to tell a soul about this place?"

_Whom would I tell?_

"I swear, but you really don't have to take me here."

"I'm surprised Snape, you are usually a very curious person. Remember back in school when you wandered back into the dorm in the early morning and-"

"Are you going to take me inside or not Malfoy?"

I would give anything not to relive those memories. Malfoy opened the door with a flick of his wand. He dramatically bowed low. "After you."

The room was dingy to say the least, but it was still better than my old home. Malfoy seemed uncomfortable there.

"What did you drag me here for?"

"Now that's not polite, I just wanted to talk have a seat."

He took out his wand and summoned a chair.

"Severus have you thought about what you want to be when you're older?"

"Can't I just go?"

"NO!"

His started rubbing his arm, as if it were in pain.

"I mean stay Severus we're friends."

His voice was friendly, but I knew better. Lucius reserved this tone whenever he wanted to get his way. I also knew he couldn't be serious because after what you did to me in school I would never be his friend, and when did he start calling me by my first name?

"I'm in a hurry."

_Was I actually looking forward to seeing Mr. Potter?_

"Fine, just sit here."

He pushed me roughly into the chair. I reached for my wand, but his hand quickly grabbed mine.

"You know underage wizards shouldn't use magic outside of the school."

"That never stopped you, now, did it."

He smiled.

Damn why did I have to forget this was not some naïve Potter. Malfoy was dangerous and he knew it.

"I did not come here to argue, Snape, this is strictly business."

"I don't want to join the Ministry, I want to be a Potions Master Malfoy, so you can't recruit me."

He shook his head as if what I said was some joke.

"Snape, you always were so intelligent, so cunning, yet you always reach the wrong conclusion in the end."

_Stop reminding me._

"Fine, what do you want?"

"Well I guess you are not that ignorant, I am trying to recruit you, but it's not for the Ministry."

He lifted the sleeve of his robes up. A tattoo of a snake and skull appeared. The snake moved across his flawless skin.

"We're going to start a new era, with our Lord. He wants you to be a Death Eater."

_Death eater!?_

"What is your answer?"

"What is a death eater?"

He seemed baffled.

"Where have you been? I sent word to all the Slytherins to help our cause. How come you didn't hear about it?"

Like someone would actually talk to 'Snivellus'.

"I'm not joining."

I stood up and reached for my wand.

"Looking for this?"

He showed the wand to me, and then put it in his pocket.

_Curses_. Maybe he grabbed it when we were walking here? _That snake._

"Now, listen before I have to use force."

He was serious. I knew what force meant. I spent my first years at Hogwarts avoiding it, but one could never be that lucky. I sat back down stripped of what seemed like my soul.

"See I knew you were smart. So, you really don't know what the Death Eaters are."

I shook my head furiously.

"Well lets see…"

_Not another dramatic speech._

"The Dark Lords plans to bring a new era. He will destroy everyone not worthy. He wants you to join Snape. You are very intelligent. He- we need people like you."

They need me. I know I couldn't trust Malfoy, but to belong somewhere…

"Are you in Snape?"

"I don't know. It just doesn't feel right. What are you all about?"

"That does not matter all you need to know is to serve the Dark Lord, and you will be spared."

He smiled at me.

"We need an answer soon, Severus."

Keep your head calm, he could be a killer if prompted. I remained silent. His grey eyes laughed.

"Ah, I see."

His smile faded.

"You know you will have to answer our call sooner or later."

I fought off a shudder. I couldn't let him see me scared. Being a Slytherin it would be worse than if he found out he would use my troubled past to his advantage.

"Crucio."

Pain stabbed into my skin in the form of thousands of knives covering the length of my body. I fell onto the floor in pain. Yes, there were things worse than father. I was defiantly certain of that now. I sprawled over the floor. Tears seeped out through my closed eyes. I heard laughter. I clenched my eyes even tighter trying to get rid of the pain, but they got stabbed by the tiny knives. Then I tried gritting my teeth. The knives came there too. It was too much. This was worse than a belt. Worse than any beatings.

_I just want to die!_

The knives seemed to come even deeper into skin. I wanted to scream, but couldn't tell if that was what I was already doing. The knives never left, they just dug deeper and deeper. Beatings, torture, bullying. At least with them there were limits. I gave up. Let them come, and then sweet death will follow. As soon as I wished for death, the pain slowly left. I stayed on the floor unable to get up.

"Please…"

Lucius face contorted.

"What's this Severus Snape, the proud Slytherin is actually begging for something."

_Shut the hell up!_

"Is this the same Snape who I heard crying about a group-"

I lifted my hand and gripped the end of his robe.

"Kill me."

He laughed aloud. This was not the response I wanted.

"I know you want death, that's how you feel after an Unforgivable Curse! I understand what it's like, you'll never get used to it, but whatever the Dark Lord wants to do you must obey."

_Not again._ I don't want to submit to another again.

"Now I'll see you after school begins, by that time have your answer ready."

I struggled again for air.

"Please…kill me."

His eyes turned to ice.

"There's a reason why I left the curse on you for so long. A couple of minutes more and you would have probably killed yourself, but you need to learn to submit."

_I know perfectly well how._

"The Dark Lord wants you. He knows how powerful you are."

The tears stopped at that point.

_Did someone really appreciate me?_

"Yes, you are powerful. He knows that you can turn from him. I'm supposed to break you."

_I'm lying on the floor, clenching your robe, begging you to kill me. Am I not broken enough?_

"That's why I won't kill you…unfortunately."

He threw my wand to the ground.

"Oh there's your…wand if that's what you think it is."

He smirked and turned. My clenched hand fell off his robe landing painfully on the floor.

"Goodbye, my friend. I hope to have your answer soon."

He left the room. I pulled myself towards my wand. I held it, but the feeling that it had earlier seemed to vanish. I could kill myself right now. Then, I wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. I could disappear. It's not as if anyone would notice 'Snivellus' was missing. I held the wand, my hand shaking. I quickly let it drop.

No, I couldn't do it. I didn't have to courage to take my own life. I was a pathetic worthless coward. I stayed on the ground. It seemed to get colder every minute, but that was fine. Maybe death would finally take me, or would I unluckily wake up in the arms of the enemy again. No, that couldn't happen again. Mr. Potter would never find me here. Reassured I let my body fall into sleep. Nightmares are certain to follow, but they couldn't be worse than this.

* * *

The room was dark. I stood up. I must have fallen asleep. I tried to find walls couldn't find them. It was just too dark. 

_Wait!_ I had a wand. I pulled it out.

"Lumos."

My wand glowed. I saw something moving around the room.

"Is anyone there?"

No answer.

"Malfoy?"

Maybe he wasn't here. I was finally free. I could run, but where to? My only house was with the Pott- I mean it was back in Spinner's End. I forced my thoughts back into my situation.

Maybe that was all just a dream. Maybe mother was still alive. Maybe-

"Severus?"

I heard a voice across the room. All I could tell what that it was male. He sounded strangely familiar, but I couldn't make out a face.

"Who's there?"

I held my wand tightly.

_Please don't let it be father. Anything but father._

"Run away."

"Who are you?"

"RUN!"

Out of my own instinct for survival, I ran into the darkness.

"Run away, run away!"

The voice filled my head.

"Get out of my mind!"

I pressed my hands against my head trying to get the voice out.

The room seemed all the same. All of it was pitch black, even with the light. I looked around quickly trying to analyze the situation.

"N…never…stop."

The voice came closer and closer, but I couldn't see its owner. In fear I toppled over onto my back. I stayed there afraid of who…or what was going to come.

Suddenly heavy feet sounded on the ground. My heart thumped loudly. Just like the heavy footsteps that slowly became louder and louder.

"Stay away!"

I yelled at the invisible figure. In return I felt something grab my leg. I tried to stand up, but it pulled harder.

"Let me go."

I expected a human reply, but instead a low growling noise like a dog sounded.

Could this be the same thing that talked to me earlier?

Finally, I decided to give up. I felt a pressure let go of my leg.

Did it think I was dead?

I lay as still as I could. It moved closer and closer. I answered my own question. It did not think I was dead, it was going to kill me. I felt a sharp heavy…paw? What was this…this…thing? It was finally close enough to see with my wand. I knew what this was. It was a werewolf. I braced myself for the kill. I would soon be dead, but I could accept that. The werewolf pinned me to the ground. Blood came through my shirt. The beast opened its mouth.

Blood dripped down.

Finally the end. The end of all pain, all suffering. All the confusion. It would finally be over. I let go of my wand, and closed my eyes.

I would soon be with mother.

* * *

Nothing came. I opened my eyes. Instead of darkness I laid down on the dirty ground in an abandoned building. It was all just a dream. Just a dream. I was alone. There was no werewolf. It was just a nightmare. I tried to calm myself down with those words, but I knew it couldn't be just a nightmare. It felt as though it had happened before. 

_Wait! It really had occurred!_

Memories started to flood my mind. In fear I quickly stood up.

_Wrong choice._

My body collapsed landing harshly on the ground. It was still so weak.

_How could I be so idiotic!?_

Of course, I would be weak. Lucius had administered one of the Unforgivable Curses onto me. I stayed where I had fallen. I knew I had to get up sometime, but I couldn't get up in the state I was in. It was actually quite comforting. No one knew I was here. I was finally alone. Mr. Potter would never search for me this long. He was probably back in his huge house with his family. For some reason thinking about them made my heart clench.

_Why did my heart feel this way?_

It couldn't be hatred, I knew what that felt like even before I met the Potter's. I laid there angry with myself.

Tears stared to flow freely. I couldn't stop them. I didn't understand. I knew crying could happen under intense pain, but why were the tears coming now? I had cried when father beat me, but that was still rare. I cried when Potter humiliated me. I cried when Lucius performed Cruicio.

_Why did I cry now?_

The physical pain from Crucio was painful, but the worst of it was over. I knew how to treat, or at least dull the pain on beatings, cuts, punches, and many forms of torture. Even the Crucius' pain would finally go away, but this was a pain that I knew I could not cure.

* * *

A/N: If you love Lucius, and are really mad at me I'm am really sorry, but he was the only one that seemed to work out. So please be kind. I prefer Slytherins, so I don't really hate Lucius...I just don't like him as much as Severus. Please review if you like or dislike. If you find somthing I wrote wrong, or somthing I could improve on I would really like to know. Thank you. 


	14. Truth? Can it set you free?

Just Let Me Die

Chapter Fourteen: Truth? Can it set you free?

Disclaimer: It does not belong to me…I'll give them back after I'm done playing.

A/N: The title was done by my beta Sevschoosen1, and I wanted to give thanks properly because I just couldn't think of a good name for this chapter, so thank you for everything. Thanks for Mazipaan for the German version. Look up Mazipaan, because it's over there. I wanted to thank you all for your helpful reviews. Even if you have nothing to really say I would appriciate saying if you liked this chapter or not. Well anyway enough of my rambling, I hope you enjoy this chapter.

* * *

_How long have I been laying here?_

I looked around the grimy room. Two creaky wooden chairs, a small table, a couple of storage boxes, and cobwebs decorated the room.

I tried to get up, but the pain from Malfoy's curse brought me back onto the ground. The impact made my sore body cry out. I gave up for the time being and rested on the cold floor.

I started to hear people outside.

I made sure my wand was in my pocket and grabbed the leg of a chairand heaved it right next to me.

Slowly I lifted myself up. Pain struck whatever I put weight on. It was almost too much to handle, but since I survived the Cruicio I knew what real torture was like.

I tried to get the thoughts of aching out of my head, but it seemed thinking made me lightheaded.

_Bloody Malfoy._

He didn't have to leave the curse on so long.

I was finally almost standing.

My legs trembled uncontrollably, but being in pain for a little while longer should help in the long run.

Finally standing I just had to get out of here. I dragged my leg forward. I stared at my goal.

The door.

All I had to do was get to the door, then I would be able to go outside.

I couldn't just stay here helpless. If I was able to get out there, I could run away. I would be free.

I stumbled around the room trying not to land on the hard ground again. I don't know if I would be able to get up if I fell again.

I pushed myself forward forcing each step. My energy was wavering, but I had to reach the door. I finally was three feet from it. I used my last bit of energy to open the door.

I was outside.

The harsh light of day made my eyes burn. I had been in the darkness for too long. I lifted my hand to shade my face.

I looked around.

There were a few people scattered on the streets.

_Good less people to notice me._

Sticking to the shadows I slowly walked down the street looking for something familiar.

There was a Potions shop, a bookstore, but nothing seemed familiar.

Everyone around here seemed sketchy. Many wore robes with hoods over their eyes. Nobody here smiled, they all seemed to be hiding something.

_Just like me._

I prayed that it was just my imagination playing games on me, but I usually didn't imagine things like this.

With as much strength as I could muster I ignored all the boring stares.

I faced a building that looked familiar. I wondered why this building looked familiar, if I haven't even remembered this place. I was too weak and dizzy to think why it had seemed different from the other buildings. Fighting back my fears I steeped inside. Once inside I knew why I had recognized this place.

_Why did I have to be so rash?_

If I had just logically thought about this place…if I hadn't been so tired...but that didn't matter.

I looked up and saw the man that had resembled my father, nearly killed me, and would kill me if I returned.

"Who's there?"

_He noticed me!_

I tried to hide in the corner.

"N…nobody…sir…I'm just leaving now."

"Don' go away. Let me show you somthin', I'm sure yo-"

As he turned the corner, silence fell.

He looked even more like father than before. His hair was even greasier. His nose, not as big as father's showed a sneer. Although he did look a lot stronger than father. Father could compensate with a mug of beer.

"Your tha' mud blood ain't you."

Panic overtook my weakened strength. I grabbed the door slamming it. My body took its toll and I fell on the ground.

This time instead of pain, numbness came. Probably too much throbbing for my body to handle.

I stood myself up, but my legs made me fall again.

The man was outside now.

"You filthy mud blood wha' did you take from my store!"

Unable to get up from fear and my weakened state I stayed on the ground.

"N…nothing s…sir."

A crowd started to gather.

They wouldn't jump in to help me.

Nobody did.

I felt a kick in my stomach.

I heaved for air.

"Wha' did you take!"

It took me a second for my voice to work.

"N…no…nothing."

I didn't feel like I could move my head up, so I let it fall to the ground. The cobbled stone made it bruise, but I had lost count of all my injuries.

"Get up boy!"

I felt a cold hand grab my robe. The man pulled me up. I looked into his droopy eyes. He was drunk…he was too much like father.

"Hey leave the kid alone!"

I heard someone from the crowd.

_Why would someone help me?_

The man holding me threw me back onto the ground. As my back skidded along the ground I prepared my mind for the laughter that was sure to come.

Silence.

"Someone call a mediwizard!" called out someone.

"Someone restrain that man, he's drunk," another voice called out.

A man stepped over me.

I heard struggling.

A minute later the man who beat me was flying in the air. I felt

someone touch my shoulder.

I froze.

It was my turn now.

They were going to beat me like the man.

"Can you get up kid?"

A man towered over me. He carried a smile that was effortless. Although he was very plain in appearance, brown hair, brown eyes, and average body, I wished I could smile like him. He smiled because he was someone who was normal enough never to get into situations like this.

"Are you sure you can't move?"

I shook my head. I couldn't get up even if he carried me.

"That's fine kid, I'm a Medi-Wizard, I'll take care of you."

I didn't have the strength to express my opinion. I just felt my body floating.

I wished I could float up to heaven…I had fallen enough today.

* * *

"You need to get up now." 

The voice was faint. Barely a whisper. It couldn't be father. I was still safe. A hand landed on my shoulder.

My eyes opened at the moment of contact. I jumped up making my body protest.

The same man who took me from Knockturn Alley sighed.

"You shouldn't move, you're in too much pain."

"Y...yes, sir."

I fell back into the bed. I must be in some infirmary of some sort.

When I was a kid I wished I would be able to go to them like my neighbor who broke his leg. They put a cast around his it, so it wouldn't hurt. When I had broken a bone, I would have given anything to go to a place like this.

"Are you too weak to answer some questions?"

I shook my head.

"I'm sorry, but you'll have to speak."

He said…sorry…an adult apologized to me?

"I'm s…sorry sir, I…I can speak sir."

Satisfied, he pulled out a paper.

"Was that man your father?"

_He looked and acted like him._

"N…no sir."

He smiled.

"Thank God, I would have hated for him to be your dad."

_My father was worse than him_…_that man was just drunk_.

"So, who is your dad?"

"He's dead."

I spat the words out.

His smile faded.

"S…sorry sir, I di…didn't mean to speak in a t...tone like that." I quickly but clumsily stuttered out an apology.

He seemed nice, but I couldn't take any chances. No matter how friendly he seemed, he could be another Lucius Malfoy.

The Medi-Wizard put his hand on my shoulder and looked at me strait in the eyes.

"There's no need for apology, sorrow should come when you lost someone you loved."

The problem was it wasn't sorrow it was pure hate. Hatred of my father's belt; his drunken smile, and his stupidity that killed mother. I loathed him more than James Potter, more than Sirius, and even more than Lucius.

"How about a different question. Let's see where is your mother."

I turned my face away.

"She dead." I whispered.

I was sure he heard my answer when his quill fell to the ground.

"I'm sorry kid, I didn't mean…I just needed information."

"I understand."

"Thanks, maybe I should just ask your… umm… guardians?"

_Mr. Potter!_ They were going to bring him here.

"No…sir, please…that…that is not neces-"

As if on cue I heard someone yelling to get in the room.

"I'm his guardian, now let me inside before I have to force my way in!"

Reluctantly the man let go of my shoulder and opened the door.

Mr. Potter burst in.

"Severus! I finally found you. I looked everywhere. I sent people looking for you."

"Please s…sir, I…I never meant for t…this to ha…happen."

As if to save me from apologizing more the Medi-wizard stepped in between Mr. Potter and me.

"So are you his guardian Mr…"

"Potter. Yes, I had been looking for Severus everywhere. A lady said a young boy matching Severus description was badly injured so I came here hoping I had finally found him."

"Why doesn't the kid rest for a bit, I have to ask you some things."

Mr. Potter turned to me.

"He's right Severus why don't you rest, and we'll…continue our conversation later."

A Medi-Witch came up to me.

"Take some of this potion it'll help you sleep."

_Like I could._

As much as I was afraid of Mr. Potter beating me, I knew that the Medi-Wizard knew something about me. He had to know he had looked over my body. No wonder he was nice to me. It had to be pity. Nobody could be that kind. He would tell Mr. Potter.

I could not have that happen.

I had to weaken this potion.

I smelled it. It was just a common sleeping draught all I had to do was dilute it with some water. Looking around I saw a pitcher of water by my bed. I poured some into the potion. It would still make me sleepy, but I would at least remain a little awake.

I drank the potion down ignoring the bitter taste.

"I think I'll sleep now." I pretended to yawn, and closed my eyes.

After a minute I heard the Medi-Wizard start to talk.

"Mr. Potter what happened to the kid?"

I heard a sigh coming from Mr. Potter.

"I was hoping you could tell me, please, could you not call him that. He's probably more mature than the both of us."

Did Mr. Potter really think like that, I couldn't really argue with that logic. I didn't even act that like Mr. Potter even when I was a child.

"So you did know?"

Mr. Potter answered. "Bits and pieces, Severus doesn't want to talk about it..."

He wasn't that ignorant, he knew that I had a troubled past…I wish I wasn't so curious…this was too embarrassing.

"…but I hadn't realized how far it had gone until yesterday."

_Did he really know it all!_

It was bad enough if he knew about the starvation, and the obvious beatings…but could he really know how much I had gotten beaten?

After a silence the Medi-wizard spoke.

"That's a relief if you had been the cause of so much…pain…I don't think I could stand to talk to you."

"What do you think I should do then? Should he stay here, and heal? Or should I take him home?"

"I think home is the best option, more than medical healing he needs something that we could not give. A loving family."

I was glad the sleeping draught had made my body tired, or else I would have jumped up from shock.

_Do those really exist?_

Well the proof was with Mr. Potter and his family. I wish I could've had one. To have a family was fine, but to have one that loved you. For me, it was more unbelievable than someone surviving the Killing Curse.

* * *

A/N: Hah! I had delayed the awaited conversation yet again. prepares for curses...but you have to admit we are getting closer...or maybe I'll just keep this madness going on forever. 

O.k. I'm back to reality now. Please review, I really got some helpful tips last time. So thank you everyone, and I hope you enjoyed this chapter.


	15. Rules? Are Not Meant to be Broken

Just Let Me Die

Chapter Fifteen: Rules? Are Not Meant to be Broken

A/N: Thanks for the reviews. I didn't realise that my beta changed the screenname so thank you Potions-Mistress25 for checking everything, and thanks Mazipaan for translating this in German. Well I won't keep you waiting. Thanks Everyone

Disclaimer: This is not mine, so please don't sue me.

* * *

_A loving family. _

Those words echoed in my ears over and over.

As I lay down, I didn't dare move from my bed in the infirmary. Mr. Potter and the Mediwizard would have seen. Then they would have known that I was listening to their conversation.

I heard someone start to leave.

"Mr. Potter, tomorrow you can pick Severus up. I just need to finish some tests."

I expected to hear the door close, but nothing happened. Mr. Potter's voice broke the silence

"Is it alright if I just stay in the lobby?"

"Severus will be fine Mr. Potter, but if you're really that worried you can ask one of the workers for a blanket. I'm sure someone can accommodate you."

"Thank you."

I heard the door close.

I wasn't sure if I should be relived of Mr. Potter's presence, or worried.

The potion that I had taken earlier was starting to affect my body. My tense muscles eased, as my body pressed deeper into the bed.

_Why was I so relaxed? _

Was it because of the potion? I did not know the reason, but I didn't fight it. I let my body fully relax.

Maybe I wouldn't have nightmares tonight?

Flashes of Lucius Malfoy replayed in my mind. I opened my eyes. My throat burned, along with every other part of my body.

"Severus are you alright?"

I took a second to lower my heart rate. After a minute I finally had the nerve to talk.

"Did…did I wake you sir?"

The medi-wizard stood over me.

"Sorry bout' that. I wanted to give you some dreamless sleep potion, but you already had a sleeping draught. I didn't want you taking too much."

My body was still burning…maybe I shouldn't have diluted the potion.

"Are you hurting some place?"

_Should I tell him? _

It was his job, but what if he found out I had disobeyed his request. I had listened to his conversation, when I was suppose to sleep. He was so nice to me. He had saved me from that man that tried to kill me, he had brought me to an infirmary, and he even suggested to Mr. Potter that I should have a loving family. A loving family could never happen, but the thought that someone cared for my well being shocked me.

"I…My whole b…body hurts sir." He grabbed some parchment and started writing something down.

"I thought that would happen. I asked one of the Medi-witches, and she said you were moving your body all over your bed."

Someone had seen me do that?

"I'm s…sorry sir. I won't do it again."

He sighed. I was about to apologize again, for making him disappointed, but he had responded quickly.

"You don't need to apologize kid…I mean Severus. It wasn't your fault."

_How could I respond to that? _He told me not to apologize.

He seemed to notice my internal confect and beamed at me.

"Let's finish your healing process and send you home."

_Home. _

Did I really want to return to the Potter's? Mr. Potter probably would beat me for all the trouble I caused, not to mention all the expenses he would have to pay. First was breakfast, then there was all those school supplies, not to mention the expenses from the Medi-wizard. I would never be able to repay it all. I should have bought a cheaper wand.

"Severus are you ready?" The Medi-wizard asked me.

"Yes sir."

"You can stop calling me that, my name's Greg."

Just like Mr. Potter. He said I could call him Henry, but I couldn't call him that. It felt to unnatural, and father would never allow it.

"Can you move your right arm up Severus?"

"Yes s…Greg." I caught myself that time. The words felt strange coming out of my mouth.

He put some salve all over my body. I had expected it to burn, but it only tingled a bit.

"Once it dries I'll get Mr. Potter."

Not him again. I don't think I could face him with all the trouble I had caused.

"It's going to be alright Severus." Like something good could ever happen to me.

Mr. Potter walked into the room. He had seemed really stressed. His eyes had dark circles under them, his shirt had wrinkles, and his hair seemed even messier that his sons'. It seemed unnatural for a Potter to be this way.

_Maybe he was drunk_.

My fears doubled at that thought. He came closer to me. I sniffed the air discreetly. He didn't have the repulsive smell on him. I almost sighed in relief, but then I wondered why he would be this way.

"There was an eccentric old lady sitting next to me all night. Let's get out of here."

Now I remember. He had slept here through the night. Why didn't he just go home.

"Severus do you want me to carry you, or should I use a spell?"

I didn't want to be helpless again.

"I'll walk sir." I tried hard to make my voice not tremble. I didn't want to seem weak. I stood on the ground. Greg jumped out from the background.

"Severus wait!"

Too late. I started to fall to the ground. Mr. Potter caught me in his arms. I felt my face burning from embarrassment. In his arms, I kept my gaze onto the floor.

"Right, since you're in my arms I guess you want to be carried."

I was about to protest, but then he would see my flushed face. He lifted the rest of my body from the ground.

"I'll be checking on you Severus."

Greg closed the door behind us.

"Severus. I need you to hold my neck tightly."

"Mr. Potter?"

"I don't think you're up to apparating, so we'll use the Floo system."

_Not that again. _

"I'm sorry, but it's the easiest mode of transportation in your condition."

He carried me into a fireplace in the infirmary.

"Just relax. Well be at the house soon."

_That was suppose to calm me down!? _

"Potter Manor!"

Mr. Potter threw the powder onto the ground. Flames shot out at us. I clung to Mr. Potter's neck. I would probably get beaten for holding onto him this hard, but it wouldn't matter, a beating was inevitable. After a while of sharp turns I finally felt our bodies being tossed out. Mr. Potter skidded along the floor, me on top of him.

"Bloody fireplace." He growled.

I immediately tossed myself off of him. He probably would be angry at me for landing on top of him. I was still weak though, and fell to the floor.

"I'm s…sorry sir."

"There's nothing…you didn't do anything wrong Severus."

He picked himself up, and walked over to me.

"Now let's get you up before my wife sees you like this.

"Yes sir."

He carried me up the stairs. As embarrassing as this was I was relived that Potter was not here to witness me being carried like a child.

"Dear, we're home!"

Mr. Potter called. No answer replied

"James?"

Yet again there was no answer.

"Good thing they're not back yet."

"Sir?"

_Mr. Potter was glad everyone was gone! _

That could only mean one thing. He was going to beat me. He set me down at the edge of my bed.

"Severus, there is something you need to understand."

I didn't need a lecture. I knew that everything I had done so far was wrong.

"S…sir sorry for interjecting, b…but you d…do not need to explain to me."

"Wait…so you understand what's going on?"

"Yes s…sir, but d…don't worry. I knew that this would happen."

"What's going to happen?"

He was playing innocent again. If I wasn't so afraid I would have sighed in exasperation.

"P…please sir, I…I am not feeling well…please..."

I was going to beg. I had no energy to fight anything that he would do.

"Severus what are you talking about!"

"I k…know it will not less….lessen the punishment…but please…could…could you not go t…too hard tonight."

A Slytherin would do anything…if his life was on the line. Even if pride had to be sacrificed.

"Severus, tell me what's bothering you in a strait answer…I don't understand what you're saying."

How did Mr. Potter manage to get through school. Couldn't he make any connections at all?

"I…I'm sorry sir. R…right now, I'm still…weak. Please…please don't…h…hit me too h…hard."

He stayed silent, then saw his fist clench. I closed my eyes awaiting the punch.

"Severus."

I could tell he was trying to control his voice. I opened my eyes. I nearly jumped up from the shock. Mr. Potter had tears coming down his eyes.

_Was he that angry at me? _

"Severus…I will not put this off anymore…" His voice faltered as some more tears came down his eyes.

This was it. He was going to turn into my father.

"Tonight…no, right now…I'm going to teach you some new rules."

* * *

A/N: Sorry I made this chapter short, I left it at a cliffhanger, and I once again didn't get to the conversation. 

Anyway...please review, I've gotten some helpful comments from last time. So, if you find anything wrong please don't hesitate to tell me. Also if you review I will respond to you...but only if you want. So if you do review and get an e-mail from me...turn around slowly with your hands...I mean it's just me saying thanks. If you do not want to me respond to your review just let me know. -seaslugofdoom


	16. Lies? Are Started by Promises

Just Let Me Die

Chapter Sixteen: Lies? Are Started by Promises

A/N: Thanks eveyone for the encouragement especially Potions-Mistress25, and Mazipaan, and everyone else who reviewed. Thanks!

Disclaimer: I'm not lying. This is not mine. I promise.

* * *

_New rules!? _

Last time I had to learn new rules I nearly died. My body was already near death. This couldn't happen again. Mr. Potter stood above me fist clenched, and tears coming down his cheeks.

"Severus now…I want….I need you to listen well."

I looked up at his face. The tears were stopping, but his voice wavered.

"Y…yes sir?"

My heart doubled it's normal pace. I fought back the tears that were sure to come. I didn't want to get him angrier.

"Severus, how long have you lived here."

What does that have to do with anything?

"A…couple of weeks…I think sir."

"Good, now I want you to think Severus, when was the last time you had gotten beaten?"

Last time it was by Lucius Malfoy, and that shopkeeper.

"T…two days sir."

I saw his face get redder. Everything that I said was wrong.

"I…I mean when was the last time I hit you."

"On the…"

Wait. Mr. Potter never hit me before.

"You have n…never hit me sir."

He gave me a somber look.

"Like you said I have never hit you before. Do you see where I'm going Severus?"

_You're going to beat me now. _

"No, sir."

I wasn't earnest to receive a beating, maybe I could let this conversation go longer. Then he might be too tired later.

"I…I was waiting for you to heal before I said this to you Severus, but it seems you won't heal until I tell you the new rules."

That didn't sound good. How bad was he going to beat me?

"A…as you wish sir."

I took the robe off of me.

At least Mr. Potter allowed me to take off my clothing…or maybe that was because the clothes were expensive, and he didn't want to ruin them with blood.

Then I started to unbutton my shirt. It was like the layers of my soul. Each layer of protection was coming off. Leaving me vulnerable, weak…dominated. Just like how father wanted me. How everyone seemed to want me to be. From Lucius to James. My father to Mr. Potter. They were all the same.

"Severus?"

He took both of my hands. My body instantly froze.

He whispered. "Severus I just want you to relax right now."

"Yes sir."

My body trembled, but I couldn't stop it. At least I could keep my face emotionless.

"Right now all I want you to do is breathe, I don't want you having a panic attack.

_Panic attack!?_ What was he going to do?

Afraid what he would do if I disobeyed his request I took a deep breath in.

"That's right, inhale."

Another gentle whisper came from him. I let a breath out.

"Good job Severus…now I'm going to tell you something. Just relax, and remember to keep on breathing slowly."

He let go of my hands. He bent over , and slowly started to button up my shirt.

_Why was he doing this? Wouldn't the blood mess up the shirt? _

"I promise you this Severus…"

He sank down to his knees, so our eyes were at the same level. His eyes seemed watery, but he was holding back his tears. I made sure my face remained emotionless.

"I swear, I will never…no matter how angry I am…harm you in any way."

I shook my head over and over. No. He was lying. This was a trick. The tears came down freely. This was all a lie. I felt hands grab my head.

"Severus remember, breathe."

_What if I don't want to breathe anymore! _

I bit my lip fearing what would come out of my mouth.

"Severus it's true. I. Will. Not. Hit. You. Ever."

I tried to get the tears to stop flowing, but they would not stop. I looked into his eyes. They were innocent like his son's, but those words could never be true.

"Severus it's alright to cry. You can cry."

"No. I am not allowed to cry. Father would…"

No, he had said he would not hit me, but I still couldn't trust him. Besides he could always go back on his promise. Trust was something I could never count on.

"What would your father do Severus?"

"…nothing…"

I couldn't say anything else…this could be a trap to get me to tell him my past.

"Severus I'm not your Father…I will not be like your father, I promise."

"I…I don't….I don't know if I can believe you yet."

I was so dizzy. This was all too much for one day.

"I understand Severus, just listen to the one rule I have for you. Then you can go to sleep."

I braced myself, but I considered myself lucky. He was giving me only one rule.

"The one rule is…remember my promise. I will not hit you. Ever."

He let go of me. I had no strength to keep my body up, and fell into the bed.

He stood up and went to the door.

"Goodnight Severus."

* * *

"Hey is he alright?" Black's annoying voice woke me up from my dreamless sleep. 

"Shhhh…if you wake him up I'll ground you for…for." Mrs. Potter hissed.

"Mum school starts in less than a week." Potter's voice came in.

"Then I'll ground you when you come back from Winter break."

"Awe, c'mon." Potter whined again.

That was it. I couldn't stand Potter's whining anymore. Plus he might get in trouble.

"Wh…who's making all that noise?" I tossed a little around the bed. I heard a smack behind a head.

My eyes instantly opened. So the Potter's were capable of hitting.

"You didn't have to hit me you know." Potter stuck his tongue out at his mother.

"I thought you were hard-headed like your father." She smiled at her son.

_Were they playing around?_

Mrs. Potter turned around and faced me.

"Severus do you need to sleep longer."

"No thank you Mrs. Potter. I had…I had a good rest."

That was actually true. I had no nightmares last night. It was a pleasant change.

"Oh good…you seem healthier."

Though my body did seem healthier it still was hard to move my joints.

"Last night you and my husband seemed horrible. I heard you got into a…a…"

"F…fight. I didn't s…start it, Mrs. Potter, I swear."

Maybe if she understood that I didn't want to fight she wouldn't be too angry at me.

"I'm not blaming that on you Severus."

She walked over to me and enveloped me in a tight hug.

"I was just so worried! When Henry said you went missing I didn't know what I should do!"

"I…I'm sorry for making you worried, Mrs. Potter." Maybe if I said this she would let go.

Potter and Black grinned at me.

I glared at them.

Finally she let go of the embrace.

"Well I think we'll get some food in you."

I stood up. My legs wobbled a bit, but I would not appear weak in front of Black and Potter. They would never let me live it down.

Though I staggered down the hallways, I finally made it down to the table.

Potter and Black rushed past me like staving animals, and started eating everything in sight. I stood there in astonishment. Mrs. Potter should've hit them for the mess they were making. I looked over to her.

She looked annoyed, but she sat down and started to eat her breakfast. I sat down, and nervously took a piece toast and spread some marmalade. I looked at Mrs. Potter to see if it was fine. She smiled at me and continued eating.

I sighed in relief. Although Mr. Potter promised he woudn't beat me his promise could always waver, and I was bound to do something wrong in there eyes eventually.

"What are you going to do today?"

Mrs. Potter looked the two boys.

"Um…I thi…"

Black tried to speak while having a big piece of toast in his mouth.

"Swallow first Sirius."

What did people think was so attractive about Black?

"Sorry Mrs. Potter, it's just that your food is really good."

He gave her a shy smile.

_That's why. _

Black always used his charm to his advantage. Mrs. Potter blushed.

"Oh that's really kind of you Sirius, so what are you going to be doing today?"

"Well I think get out the brooms and have a race." Potter grinned at his mum.

"That's a great idea…why don't you let Severus tag along. He needs some air."

Potter's smile faded a little, but his mum didn't notice.

I stood up.

"Severus."

Mrs. Potter's voice made my body tense up.

_Should I have asked to be excused? _

They have been so tolerant, but I had forgotten my manners. If Father had seen me do this I would have been starved.

I looked to the floor letting my hair fall over my face.

"I…I am sorry ma'am. P…please ex…excuse my insolence."

"Oh, I was just going to ask if you wanted your wand."

"My wand?"

I looked up at her.

"Henry handed me it before going to work. Here you go."

She took the wand out of here robe pocket.

"Thank you…I…I…"

"There's no use in thanking me, it's just a wand."

She obviously has never parted with her wand before. The feeling of helplessness is something the Potter's could never understand.

I gratefully took the wand from her hand.

"Right…may I be excused now?" She seemed surprised at my question.

"Of course Severus, don't forget to come home before dinner."

_She was just going to let us roam free for a whole day? With no chores? _

Well I couldn't expect nothing less coming from Potter's family.

"C'mon Sni…Severus." Black quickly corrected himself.

He had some sense in him after all…good thing. If Mrs. Potter had heard that nickname it would bring questions I wouldn't want to answer.

I followed the two boys to the entrance of the house, and raced to a tree that supported two brooms. They both got on with ease.

"How bout' we race to the lake Prongs."

"Great idea Padfoot."

Potter and Black said those annoying nicknames again.

"Snape, you want to come?"

Potter finally noticed my presence.

"Why would I want to ride some broom like an immature child?"

I clutched the wand that was in my pocket. It had calmed my fears a little. It was good to know that I was not defenseless.

Potter shrugged and got on the broom. "Well if that's what you want Sni…Snape."

"Prongs!" Black yelled. "Looks like I got a head start!"

Black made his broom go past the gate, Potter was soon catching up.

Finally I'm alone.

I wished I could just go back inside, and read in the Library, but then Mrs. Potter would've noticed.

Looking around, I headed towards the garden. I sat on a bench by a fountain. The sun glistened on the water.

_Maybe I would actually get a tan? _

That would surprise everyone at Hogwarts. 'Severus Snape actually going outside? I thought he was a vampire?' I could just hear it now.

That was one of the reasons I loathed school. Sure, it kept me safe from father, but then there were all the other students. They had tormented me nonstop with their name calling and bullying. All because I was different. I had hated it, but I had always hated father more. If I had a choice of staying I would never go home…but then Mother would be alone with that monster.

I stood up, and looked at all the flowers. Last time I had been here was after dinner. The flowers did look a lot better under all the light.

_Was this what normal people did in the summer? _

Wake up late, play around, and then do the same thing day after day?

Though it did seem kind of boring, I would have given anything if I could have had a whole summer like this. I wouldn't have to worry about mother, my father coming home drunk, and I didn't have to worry about whether I'd live to see another day.

Of course, nothing pleasant could ever happen in my life.

School was going to start soon.

Last summer thoughts of school had filled me with anticipation. Now it had filled me with dread.

If anyone found out that Potter and I were…related…they would mock me every chance they would get. Potter would receive their sympathies, and I would once again be turned into the enemy, the weird Slytherin. While Potter will be turned into a saint yet again for letting an orphan live in his house.

For the first time I wished I never heard of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

* * *

A/N: Hope you all have a Happy Christmas, Kwanza, Hanukkah, Winter Solstace...it would just be easier to say Happy Holidays everyone. 

Maybe soon we'll finally get to see Severus at Hogwarts. Your ideas and tips really help me so please reveiw and help.

Remember healing processes take long...I would know, so don't be too angry that Severus donsn't see the whole truth yet...at least he is not as scared...


	17. Forgiveness? Extra Chapter

...before I write endless amounts of apologies...I need to explain. I've had a lot more work than usual...a lot more work. I can't really start posting chapter's until summer vacation starts...finals are hectic...anyways. Here's a little...into the mind of Tobias...if you don't like it i'll get rid of it. Just somthing to read till I get all this studying done --...(oh sorry for the language...couldn't be helped for this piece)

* * *

"T-Tobias...why?"

"Why what woman!?" I snapped back at Eileen.

Her eyes lowered and I saw her shaking.

"W-why do you b-beat him? Today was Christmas eve...and...and he's only five"

"I don' care if it's bloody Christmas eve or Christmas Day, the Christ could come down right now, and I'll still beat that boy. I'll beat you too if you don't be quiet."

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry." She whispred.

"You better be bitch."

I looked to see her reaction.

There was no rebellion in her eyes, only submisson. Good. She wouldn't fight againt me.

I've been married to her six years now...and now she dosn't act superior to me anymore. There's no more rebellion. Just the way I want her.

I didn't like it when people were superior to me. I couldn't stand being weak. I hated it. It made me angry...made me want to drink...made me want to punch.

I needed to get this frustration out. I needed to vent. I needed-

"Eileen come here."

She looked at me.

"W-hat is it Tobias?"

Didn't she hear my damn instructons!?

I stood up, and lunged at her.

I grabbed her long black hair, and pulled her to her feet.

"When I say come, you come, you don't ask why, you come!"

"I-I'm sorry, p-p-please fo- forgive me..."

My anger was going to rise again...then I would hit her, and I wouldn't stop...and I would loathe myself and her more. Me for beating my wife...and her for giving me reason to hate myself...I needed to clear my head.

"Eileen, I'm going out."

"To the p- I mean...y-yes Tobias."

I would hit her soon I know it. I quickly grabbed a coat and left her on the floor. She would be in the same spot when I came back anyway.

Not caring if the boy would wake up when I slammed the door quickly behind me. I never cared for the boy before...it was to far ahead to show some compassion for him. He would think I'm weak...I didn't want him to think I could be pushed around...he needed to know I wasn't weak.

I quickly went past the houses. Some actually were able to have some hearing to stay warm this Christmas...but other's would be like my family. They would have father's like me. Who drank all the money awy. To get rid of our misery. There would be plenty of other men in the pub. It would stay open for a while. Like every Chirstmas. There was always somebody ready to drink in this place.

I went inside the warm room feeling good for the first time all night.

I greeted my friends and drank some whiskey...tonight I was only going to have...a pint...no more.

* * *

"Tobias, get up you drunk!"

Why won't he stop talking...

"Tobias it's Christmas, go back to your family. I have to go see mine."

The owner of the bar looked down at me.

"I don' need your advice, you bastard. I can...get home by myself. I don' need any help from you!"

I quickly went to my house. It was cold. Colder than usual, and my vision was getting blurry. I felt like throwing up. I had wanted to get home...I needed somthing to fuck. Where was that woman when you needed her?

I went up to the door. Missed the handle a couple times, but finally opened the damned thing.

"Eileen, where the hell are you."

Instead of seeing Eileen...there stood the boy.

"Severus."

Damn it.

"What are you doin' up so late boy?"

"I-i'm sorry fa-father. I-I- was waiting."

"For what!?"

He was unlikely waiting for me, cause that boy knew I would punish him.

"I w-was waiting for Santa."

"Don'be an idiot, Santa's not real. Only made believe."

Tears came down his face. It showed weakness. It showed fear. I hated those feelings.

I punched his face.

My son fell to the ground, with a bloody nose.

"Don' you ever mention tha' Santa man gain' if you do...I'll...I'll."

I punched him again and again. Until his face ran red with blood...good. Then I won't have to look into those sad eyes.

I still kept punching until my arms burned. They bured from beating my Severus. My only son. I know it's wrong, but I can't stop...I just can't. It's never satisfies me. I have to keep hitting. Until...until he dies. I grabbed his hair, pulling his face up. It was bloody and swollen. The blood made my hands slipppery. I looked into his eyes. They showed no emotion. No life. The boy still breathed...but I had killed him, on the inside. I dropped him to the floor. He rose up to his knees.

"F-father. N-No more. P-Please. There is no Santa. There is no Santa."

He did not cry...well at least not on the outside.

I smirked at him.

Finally his weak emotion's were gone.

Now where was Eileen...my work wasn't done tonight.

* * *

...I'm trying hard...this terms almost over just one more week!!!

oh; someone finally persuaded me to get one of those myspaces...so...

there I guess I can have more frequent updates...

so faithfully(well still hope you think so) yours,

seaslugofdoom


	18. Luck? Somthing only the Lucky know

Chapter Nineteen: Luck? Something Only the Lucky Know

Disclaimer: Not Mine. Got it. That's all you need to know

A/N: Well finally got this one done. Yes I'm sorry for the long wait!!! I hope my style didn't change too much. If it seems different or have a suggestion just leave a comment. Thanks!

* * *

That night Mr. Potter asked for me to come to his study. I did nothing wrong. I reminded myself. He promised not to beat me…but what were promises really worth these days…a person could take his words back without any regret…there was no honesty anymore…I was perfectly conditioned for this world.

"Severus?"

He sat lazily on a cushioned seat…a fire burning softly in the background. If I wasn't trebling I would have admired how warm and comforting the room felt…but all feelings of warmth and safety had abandoned me. Leaving me cold and heartless in my own world.

"How did your day go?" He asked me.

"It was good, Mr. Potter. Although it was a casual question I could feel my anxiety running through me.

"Well I always have this talk with James, so I think I talk to you too…just to be fair." He sighed. Since this was James' father he probally had to have a talk with his son many times.

Fair?

A word that didn't exist in my vocabulary.

"Yes I understand sir…just to be fair." I stayed emotionless pretending I knew the meaning of that strange word.

"Well every year James seems to get into more and more trouble…"

Mr. Potter looked just as he had in the Infirmary. Tired and fragile. I had never really seen an adult like this before. Could adults really be this fragile? I shook away that thought.

"…so Severus, be sure not to get into any fights, harassing the teachers or anything of that nature. I'm going to stay in touch with Dumbledore. I don't know what I'll do if I hear news of pulling pranks. I If James got into trouble again…I don't think he'll be able to stay. He might be pulled out. Don't get into trouble Severus. Can you promise me that. James has avoided expulsion so far but luck can run out, you know what I mean?

Of course I did…There are brief moments in life where you feel…actually alive. The first time I felt that way was when I first entered Hogwarts. The joy of being there was quickly taken away by Potter and his gang. I knew perfectly well what it meant to have luck run out…but of course I have never really been a lucky person from the start. He stood up.

"Well than have a good night, these summer nights won't last long."

"Goodnight." I said quietly and left.

* * *

I sat alone in the compartment on the Hogwarts Express. Nobody would want to sit next to me 'the greasy git'. I looked out of the compartment widow. Parents were crying and wishing their children a good term. I noticed Mr. and Mrs. Potter. They were the parent's who were crying. Mrs. Potter waved her hands wildly at…me? No, that couldn't be.

Why would she? I was not her child. Potter was most likely in the compartment next to me…

I looked again at all the parents. I couldn't believe they were actually sad for their children to go…jealousy rang up deep in my heart. Potter probably loved his parents…He probably went to bed with a smug smile knowing that forever he would be taken care of even if he got kicked out. Knowing that his father wouldn't wake him up to beat him until his skin bleed. If I went to bed at night knowing that my father loved me…but that's impossible. My father hated me, and I hated him. That was it.

A couple of first years came up to my compartment distracting me from my thoughts of my father.

"Hey, you saving those seats mate?" They looked at me curiously but optimistically…so unlike when I was a first year. I wouldn't even have dared to think of asking to sit next to a sixth year.

I glared at them.

"Hey kids, that's our compartment!" The voices sound annoyed but there was some amusement in the tone.

Someone's voice came from outside the compartment.

The first-years scurried away. I almost was relived …but then…whose compartment was this?

"Hey Snivellus," Peter Pettigrew said.

Only this could happen to me.

"Buzz off, Pettigrew." I spat out.

I glared at the four boys.

James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew., they always pranced around school like they were better than everybody…probably because they were. Potter with his charm. Black with his good looks. Lupin…somehow behind his tattered clothing and scars also had something interesting…and there was Pettigrew. I don't know how he fit into the group, but something they shared kept them together…

"This is our compartment you greasy git." Pettigrew sneered at me.

"Wormtail, don't worry. We can share." A usual comment from Lupin, always the peacekeeper. Why he chose to be with this lot was a mystery to me.

All I wanted to do was get out. Even if it cost me my limbs…I wanted to be anywhere but here.

"Don't mind me Potter, I was just leaving…this place is filled with hot air."

The world just slipped out of my mouth.

I was outnumbered…and I was talking to Potter…if I got in a fight, and I got sent back to the Manor…I shuddered at the thought. Potter, Black, and Pettigrew started reaching for their wands. Lupin just looked at me. Although they were about ready to cast spells, Potter seemed hesitant…why? Black even lacked his usual threats.

Strange.

"We don't want to get in a fight Snape, so let's share the compartment." Potter said. Why was he agreeing to share the compartment with me. By now I usually would have been thrown out after having some jinx put on me.

"Y-yes." Great, my voice was shaky again. My emotionless demeanor was fading was I realized what his father could do…if I got expelled.

"Severus." I looked up and glared at Lupin.

"What do you want?" I growled at him.

"You stayed with James over the summer."

Potter cut into the conversation.

"Yea, the git lived in my house…I can't believe we're related."

He was talking as if I was not that…as if I was not a real human.

This was completely different from how he treated me at his house…that means…he was going to beat me. The same old patterns wouldn't change. I would still be humiliated…yet this time I could not fight back. If I did…Potter would gain support from the Headmaster, like usual, and I would be in trouble.

I forced myself to become as emotionally detached as I could. Potter described all the times I had cried…when I ran out of the house…

With each sentence it made me hate him more.

All those things were personal…yet he shared them with no look of regret. Lupin looked at me with pity in his eyes. I wanted to jump up and run. I hated his pity. It made me feel so angry…so useless…and there was nothing I could do about it…there was still one option…but was I this desperate. Pettigrew looked at me with mischievous eyes. Yes…I was this desperate; if that miserable excuse found even more reason to be superior to me…I would be desperate.

"P-Potter, please stop."

Potter stopped in the middle of a sentence.

"What?"

"It's n-not like you haven't heard me ple- plead before Potter…I asked to you p-please stop."

Lupin's eyes grew wide. Pettigrew tried to force down a laugh. Black and Potter had heard me apologize before…so this probably was amusing for them…and not shock like Lupin was going in. I stood up picking up my belongs.

"I'm going."

They didn't stop me. The four boys let me leave. Probably too amused my pleading.

I passed by some compartment…some had the nerve to use a tripping spell on me.I wanted to find somewhere where I could be alone. Where no one would try teasing me…or using me…did such a place exist? Probably not. I almost stepped into a compartment that seemed quiet…then I overheard a familiar voice.

Lucius Malfoy's…I would never forget it…I couldn't even bring my mind to remind myself of what happened last time I saw him.

* * *

I quickly hurried in the past his compartment afraid to look inside. I looked in all the rest of the sears…all were full…in the entire compartment…that meant only one choice. The lavatory. I found an empty stall and sat curled up into the ball…a feeling started to come back to me…like I was abandoned…by the whole world. I was the only one different. Everything bad came from me…I was a freak.

I didn't let myself cry. Although the situation was bad…it could always be worse right? I did not get beat over summer. I should be grateful…next summer the Potter's may not feel sorry for me…

…but Potter had acted as if I never went to his house this summer. He acted as if I still wasn't human…invisible…just like I was curled up in a lavatory. No one would notice me. No one would care. I rested my head against the wall.

Wishing that I was older…being a Potions Master…no one would make fun of me. No one would beat me. My eyes closed as my daydreaming took hold…

I woke up to the sound of the whistles of the Hogwarts Express. We were finally here. I was back…home. I quickly grabbed my bags…making sure I had all my belongings. I steeped out of the laboratory praying that nobody had noticed me.

But why should I pray for that?

Nobody ever noticed me in the first place. I was a living phantom. The only time people notice me is when they want to hurt me. My pace quickened as I wanted to be inside Hogwarts Walls again.

Running I made it to the carriages. I noticed the reptilian horses I had always seen. They always looked so death like…their bones were visible…they looked like the creatures that came from hell. Their staring pupiless eyes glanced at me…and somehow…these horrible creatures…reminded me of myself…

I didn't know why everyone else didn't talk about these creatures…did they not see them?

Dismissing my thoughts I quickly climbed into a carriage…not caring who was in it.

A couple of second years were there. I sighed in relief. They wouldn't try to take advantage of me…I was in the sixth year. They wouldn't hurt me. They wouldn't. I kept trying to tell myself.

During the ride, I stared strait at the floor…trying not to disappear into the interior of the carriage and it kept me from looking out of the window and seeing the creatures from my insanity. Then I heard the kids whispering.

"Hey wonder how they magic this carriage…it's as if an animal is really pulling it."

I lifted up my head. What? There were those deathlike creatures pulling the carriage.

"There are creatures there, can't you see." …but as soon as the words slipped out of my mouth…and they gave me that look…like I had a disease.

"Freak, don't eavesdrop!"

If I hadn't been trained as a child to not react to every verbal abuse that came across me…I would probably have used a spell on this kid, but I couldn't…if I got in trouble on the first day…and the Potter's heard about it…

* * *

Instead, I hung my head…letting my hair fall. Trying to create a barrier in the tiny space that confined me. Finally the creatures that pulled that carriage stopped. I quickly exited…rushing to the castle. I tried to hide myself into the crowd…but no such luck. I soon bumped into a figure.

Potter.

"Hey Snivellus." His voiced sounded amused.

I saw his wand pointing at me under his cloak.

"Follow me Snape."

I sighed quietly to myself. I knew this would come…couldn't Potter wait until the school year started… the start-of-term feast didn't even start yet.

"Of course."

I kept my voice even...I mustn't show fear…it would bring out his darker side even more. Potter and I went in the shadows of the stone castle.

His wand glowed.

"Finally, I have you alone."


	19. Hope? What's Left Since it's Gone?

Hope? What's Left Since it's Gone?

Disclaimer: Not mine...well the charators anyway.

A/N: O.k. he's the revised version with help from my wonderful beta So hope this is more clear and thanks for all the reviews!!!

* * *

Although it came a surprise to feel the wand against me...deep down I knew it was going to happen. Somehow spending time with the Potter's had made me forget...never trust. I looked up to Potter who was leading me to a darkened corner. Nobody would stop him even if they did see.

'_Probably serves that freak right.' _I could hear all the students saying that in my mind.

"L-let's not fight Potter, di...did your father give you that speech?"

He grinned at me playfully.

"Course' he did he always gives me that speech." He seemed so calm…to the point of boredom…was I that easy of a victim?

He pushed me further into the shadows of the school until we were completely hidden from view. After a long uncomfortable silence, he finally talked.

"Sorry bout' that Snape, I didn't want to cause a scene."

So pointing a wand at me, and leading me to this corner was not causing a scene? I kept quiet. I knew my place. I would be beaten up...but for what? For walking out of their compartment...or because I was so easy to beat up?

I felt a really strange feeling come over me, maybe it was my anger, but I usually shroud it with an apathetic thoughts…this was different.

"H-Hey Snape what's wrong? I just wanted to talk." His voiced seemed nervous, as if he didn't know what was happening.

Just wanted to talk? After you beat me...till I beg. Until blood runs down my body…I was truly scared…I had never come across this spell before…

"Snape… Severus! snap out of it!" Although he sounded angry, his fear cracked through his voice.

I looked up to my captor. He looked almost scared.

"Snape I didn't mean to scare you. This is just a joke right." He gave a nervous chuckle. "This is a joke right?"

Why was he apologizing? I was the one...the one who was suppose to be on my knees. The worthless being whose job it was to be used as a living practice dummy. My hands shook. I don't know why. From fear? I couldn't stop them.

"P-Potter w-wh-what did you do to me?" Fear had to escape through my voice, but I was more concerned about what was happening to me then what Potter thought.

My heart was beating faster and faster... My hands shook more... When I was with father this usually happened... I would shake. Afraid of where the next hit would come from. This was different. I couldn't stop it. Years of learning how to be emotionless...had evaporated...along with my dignity.

"P-please take the spell...take the spell..." I was so nerve-wrecked…it was hard to talk. My mind started to feel strange...like I was there...yet...not.

What did he do to me?

Why was he not taking the spell off?

"Sna- Severus, c'mon...snap out of it." Why was he saying these things to me? It was his spell…I felt his hands on me…he was shaking me…why couldn't he just leave me alone…and he this spell on me...why couldn't he take it off?

Was I going insane?

"Potter...I'm s-sorry. I'm sorry. I di- I didn't mean to be so rude in the carriage. I'm sorry for existing." I wanted to collapse on the floor. I felt so dizzy. I was scared. My arms legs and arms were trembling...this was the first time I couldn't control myself. I looked at Potter again, hoping that he would take it off. He stood there not knowing what to do. Had his spell not worked?

"T-take it off. Please." I pleaded. I begged…what else did he want from me if not my humiliation? I was so afraid, couldn't he see that…I let him see my weakness…yet he didn't take it off…

"I...I didn't put a spell on you..." His voice sounded like he just stated a known fact. Lies. Of course he had.

"Snape, just relax or something. I'll...I'll get help." His voice shook from panic…he was a good liar, but he couldn't fool me.

Potter bolted inside the castle. I wouldn't let anybody see my like this. I would not let them. I clenched my fists trying to control their actions. I was alone. I was not safe. Was I going to die? I let my body sink to the floor.

It was only going to be a beating anyway? Why was I getting all worked up on something common like that? Being at the Potter's home had clearly spoiled me. My body was already getting accustomed to actually being healthy. Sitting here alone made me feel better. My heart pace died down...my hands didn't tremble so much... my mind just felt so numb. I heard many people running in my direction. Then I heard Potter's voice.

"Sn- Severus, don't worry." His voice was less shaky, but he still sounded worried. Like a model student…he probally brought along some adults…so they could see how 'caring' he was.

Great...now that I knew who was coming I was definitely becoming worried. Out of the darkness I saw an illuminated face. Madame Pompfrey. She had always tried to help me...but I would never let her touch me. I vowed I would never let her see the marks on my back...they would take me away from mother...but if she saw them now what could she do?

She looked over me for a minute and finally said. "Can you move?"

Her voice sounded concerned…much like that man…Greg?…maybe it was just because of her profession she talked like that.

"Yes, ma'am."

To prove that I could...and so she wouldn't try to help me, I pulled myself up. Despite a twitch from my hand which I was unable to suppress.

She looked over me once satisfied she smiled. "Ah, good...but let's get you some rest just in case."

I started to walk towards them. Why did Potter always have to cause such a scene? Maybe this was his plan... so he could brag to his friends that I was the one who sent him to the Infirmary... I glared at Potter. He had a surprised look on his face. Maybe it was because it was more than a rumor that Potter's gang beat me up all the time, but Madame Promfy went between us.

"Come on. James, don't miss the Sorting Ceremony. Severus come with me. You're not feeling faint right?"

I heard a noise from Potter. Was he snickering?

"I'm fine ma'am."

She looked at me searchingly.

"Well then let's go Severus, you'll have to miss the sorting ceremony."

"It's fine, I feel well enough to go."

I didn't want to cause any more attention.

"What will happen when you have another panic attack?"

It could happen to me again? Afraid that the words were true I gave in.

"Fine, madam, but just one night. I'm leaving in the morning." I tried to make my point across, showing no hesitation…but of course there was still some fear in my voice.

I normally wouldn't have dared talk to an adult so, but I couldn't get behind on my studies…

I flinched when she tried to grab my hand…so she dropped it and continued to lead me to the medical wing.

As much as my body needed rest I couldn't let my body fall into the submission of sleep. Thoughts of losing my mind...finally going insane went through my mind, never letting go.

It was _only_ a panic attack I reminded myself. I took in a deep breath, making sure my heart was beating at a normal pace. Afraid that if I even changed my position on the cot my heart would start racing again...but I knew I couldn't suppress my heart beating at a uneven pace for long. The infirmary...it reminded me so much of...back there.

Back at my old house...but even so it was the farthest thing from it. Like my house it was really cold in here...but here I got a blanket...even a bed to lie on, but the thing that triggered the memories was the smell of blood. In the infirmary the smell was probably from a idiotic first-year who fell down the stairs or something of the sort. Nevertheless, the smell of blood kept me awake, and my body tense.

I would possibly have had a heart attack if a quill fell to the floor.

I lay in the same position for hours. My legs started to cramp but I stayed in the same position, my body still yielding to my command to stay still. Stay still or die. I don't know why, maybe it was because of the 'rules' my father gave me…but something kept me motionless.

Then I heard it. The door started to creak. Adrenaline, pumped though my body. Somebody was here, while I was laying helpless on the bed. Even knowing how vulnerable I was I stayed completely still, praying whatever was coming towards me was just a figment of my imagination.

I heard the footsteps…and heard the heavy breathing of a person.

"Severus." I heard a whisper that chilled my body.

The room was dimly lit, yet all I could hear was the whisper, and if someone was close to me I'd be able to see them…yet I saw no body carrying the voice.

I wondered. What was it?

Then I remembered and my heart dropped and pumped ceaselessly at the same time.

James Potter had an invisibility cloak…and he was standing a few feet away from me.

"Potter." I said into the darkness. Although I had exposed my fear to him earlier, the shroud of the darkness could hide my face and emotions well.

Maybe this is what Potter was waiting for. He put me under a spell that would send me to the hospital wing…then he would beat me up here.

I glared out into the empty-space.

This plan was almost Slythernin-like. Finally, the footsteps stopped at the end of my bed.

"Severus. You awake?" He sounded just as concerned as before…concerned my arse. It was just to lure me into his trap.

Didn't he just hear me say 'Potter'? What an idiot, maybe Black had some say in this plan. Potter clearly doesn't have the intelligence to think of this alone.

"Yes. I am awake Potter." I stayed assured my voice unwavering.

The darkened room hid my fear, like a blanket a child would use when it was afraid. He was standing so close I could feel him take off his cloak.

Then I heard his whisper of "Lumos."

The spell illuminated his face, giving it a deathlike quality, I glanced down, and I licked my lips.

What more could he possible do to me?

"Severus…about what happened earlier. I really didn't know what was happening. I didn't mean to scare you." His sincerity made me feel digsgused…how long would he keep it up.

Be serious, Potter not try to scare me? He made my time in Hogwarts a living hell, tormenting me to no end.

"Potter, stop your act." My voice was made to cut…I was tired of this game, and the torture would come faster if I just got it over with.

His face turned from being calm to angry. What had I said wrong…there was only truth in my words?

"Snape. Haven't you realized it yet. Nobody is going to hurt you! Can't you just…"

He sounded like he was confused and frustrated…He rustled his hair a bit in frustration too…

"I don't…I don't mean to be scared Potter…it's hard not to when h- never mind." My words were as assured as I could make them…though it was hard to not let it sound meek, but I can't believe I was just going to let my words slip out of my mouth like that.

"What was it?" He sounded curious, as if he wasn't yelling a second ago.

"I said never mind, Potter." I said if softly…exasperated, giving him a cold glare was all I could do…

"Er, well I just came here, you know…because we never really talked over the summer and I wanted to get some things strait." He was firm…and made it in his voice that nothing would stop him…

You're Mr. Potter's son. The Great James Potter. An excellent Quittich Player. The school charmer, who could beat Severus Snape at any time any place, no matter who was nearby.

I kept my mouth silent because of these facts.

He looked at me with a face I had never seen before…wait could James Potter actually look serious? Well if he could this was it.

"Severus, I..I don't know what happened to you at your old house…and truthfully I don't want to."

"Then why are you here Potter, if not to sneak information off to your father?" I sneered at him, but it seemed not to provoke him.

I could feel the stiffness in the room…the awkwardness…

It wouldn't be awkward at all if he had me begging to him right now…but this…he was actually talking to me as if I had feelings.

"I just really want to seriously apologize…I realize what we did was wrong. I never thought of you as an equal. I just…please forgive me Severus. I-I…don't think I could ever make up what I did to you."

It felt like the world froze in awe, made to stand still of the revelation that had come over James Potter. It was a lie…though as sincere as his voice sounded…it had to be a lie.

I almost wanted to sneer at how good he could pull it off. He could deceive well, perhaps even better than me…I almost believed him, but I knew I could not trust the boy who jumped at any chance to torture me.

Over the summer, I hadn't been beaten. Maybe that was what life could be like…maybe I could learn to trust. If I could maybe what he was saying was truth…but that was just relying on sheer hope. Something I had lost between hoping father would not come home drunk…hoping that mother would smile again…

It was the difference from reality. In the real world you couldn't rely on hope, because if you did…you'd die.

"Snape, aren't you listening to me?" He sounded exasperated…but I was stubborn…he would not bring me down so easily.

"Of course I'm listening to you, I crave to hear your next chivalrous speech. Then you shall stir up my spirit and lead me into a new beginning." Along with the sarcasm, I gave him a cold glare that was lost in the darkness of the room.

"You're so- so…" Potter threw his cloak, that was in his hands onto the floor. Showing again his suave manners. "Why can't you just…just." He seemed not to know what to say…lost in the fury of his words.

For reasons unknown to me…because of the heat of the conversation, or just familiar patterns I jumped off the bed.

The moment I had moved my legs I knew it was a bad idea…but faltering would just make him laugh at me…instead I ignored the pain.

"Just what Potter? Die? Because that's just what I want to do. With people like you in the world…Why can't everyone just leave me alone!" My frustration and anger were clear in my voice, but that was the least in my concern.

"Snape don't you understand. My family took you in. We wanted to help you…you're part of our family now."

The sincerity in his voice was a lie. It had to be, and anger swelled up inside of me…how could Potter say he was my family. He doesn't know what I've been through.

"No I am not! My family is dead! There is no reason for me to be alive anymore so just leave me alone!"

"Severus… Fine, I'll leave you alone just listen to me for a second." His patience in his voice was running thin…but he let his world hang as if actually letting me bring my opinion. How foolish thinking like that, nobody needed my opinion.

Wanting to get it over with I said, "Well what is it Potter, or did you forget what you were doing?"

As if my words didn't insult him in any way he continued. "I swear on my name. I won't humiliate you…I was being childish back then…I learned that what I did was just plain wrong. I'm sorry Severus. Rest. Be alone. Do whatever you want. Just remember, I'm your brother now."

Although it sounded sincere…it couldn't be the truth… My head hurt. Did I hear him right? Brother…

"No…I have no family." My words were emotionless, but the shock must have been evident on my face.

"Fine say whatever you want Severus…just… get better soon, or else father will come here…sometimes he's so embarrassing. He picked up the cloak from the ground, and started to leave. Then he turned and said to me. "G'night, better hurry fore' Slughorn catches me."

He grinned as he donned the cloak.

Was this all a game to him? I sighed, and tried to push the thoughts out of my mind.

Though the words kept on repeating in my mind…me having a brother…what kind of madman was he?


	20. Love? Is Meaningless Now

Just Let me Die

Chapter Twenty

Love? Is Meaningless Now

A/N: Hope you all enjoy. Thanks for all the reviews they really encourage me!!! I especially want to thank my beta. Usually I don't exactly think strat when I write, I just let it flow...so I miss some things. Please review.

Disclaimer: Nope. Still not mine.

* * *

I stared at the ceiling, thinking about anything that came to my mind. Anything, but what had happened last night with Potter. I knew that just laying here would do nothing, so I tried getting out of the bed. My muscles ached as if I haven't moved in days. I looked around the infirmary searching for something to distract my thoughts.

Ah, I noticed a bookshelf with a couple of tattered looking leather bound books. I stood up and walked shakily to the bookshelf. I picked up the first book, it was a scenery book but for wizards…as I looked through the pages the leaves fell off trees in a picture of the changing seasons, you could see the waves crash against the sandy beach…but one picture in that book stood out against all the rest…

It was a scenic photograph of a lake in the winter. The water had frozen over leaving it a sheet of ice. How I wished I could be like that…a frozen exterior hiding everything in a solid cold glare…but like a sheet of ice there are cracks…and mine had walked into the room…

Lily Evans.

Her graceful movement came to a stop right before my eyes. She looked directly at me, as if I were truly worthy of her attention…which of course I was not.

"H-hello L- Evans." I quickly stumbled out.

How was she able to do this to me. Her beauty? The way she looked at me as if I mattered?

"Good morning Severus, I just came here to drop off your homework assignments."

She looked at me expectantly, as if awaiting my next move.

"Thank you, I'll see you in class then." Great. Just shake her coldly off.

Not like she would ever want to be seen with me anyway. She was so full of life…as I looked at her…even in my position on the floor…I could see the soul in her eyes. If I ever took the life away from those eyes…it would be a sin greater than that of my father beating me to my death.

"I'll be going then." She quickly said, as if unsure.

"Right, thank you again." I kept my voice stiff…as if that would help relieve the tension of being with the greasy git, I thought sarcastically.

She walked over to my cot and put a pile of parchment on it, then left me alone in the cold room. I sighed and put away the book.

How could I love someone like her? How could she love me?

Aphetically I looked at the assignments on my cot. I should put my mind to use, instead of dwelling on fantasies that could never happen.

Suddenly I heard footsteps and saw the plump woman coming towards me.

"Oh Severus I see you're already awake, are you feeling well." Madame Pomfrey looked at me curiously and smiled.

"Yes ma'am, b-but may I please inquire h-how long I have to stay here."

Sure she seemed like she cared…but I could never be too sure…that smile…it was so open…it couldn't be real.

"If you want to leave, just let me check over some things and then you can go."

"Thank you again." I looked up in her eyes quickly and looked back down, unsure of how to converse with her.

She looked surprised by my reaction but continued. "Can you sit on the cot, and once I'm sure you're healthy then you can leave, is that alright Mr. Snape?"

What…what was she going to do? Would I have to strip? There was no way I was going to show her my…my scars.

Firmly as if fearing showing weakness I said to her. "Yes…it's fine Ma'am."

Unexpectedly she went towards me, afraid I stiffened my body.

"Just relax, don't worry."

So I wouldn't have time to run away or flinch she grabbed my hand, and squeezed it. I saw magic come from her fingers, and was instantly afraid. To my shame I realized she was just checking my pulse.

She summoned over a parchment, made some quick notes and looked to me.

"Just make sure, that if anything feels strange, to come strait here."

"Yes ma'am." The words were superficial and hollow. Of course I would never come back, there was a chance if I came here that she would find more secrets from my past that I did not want anyone to know.

She nodded, and I cautiously went out of the room, afraid she might change her mind.

* * *

I realized that it would be useless trying to go to my classes today since the school day was almost over, so I headed towards the Slytherin common room…where hopefully my housemates weren't skipping classes already.

Once I was in the cold dungeons I quickly went to the trap door, afraid of being out in the open. This was one of the first times that the room was eerily empty. Usually full of rowdy Slytherins: gambling, daring each other, talking about how great they were.

This was definitely different.

I went out of the dimly lit common room and went to my room. I shared it with three other boys…but they usually kicked me out of the room leaving me prey to anyone in the common room.

Once I laid down on my bed I realized I never had any time to think about how my life was like. At school I would usually be too busy looking for places to hide, or further enhancing my knowledge. Now I realized…I never had time to really think…and this summer was actually the only time where I could just think.

When I was at home I always had to be on my guard. If I got caught daydreaming…I might not have noticed my father coming into the room. If I had daydreamed about Lily…oh god. I fear I would have never been able to snap out. Laying down on my bed, I tried to get comfortable…but it was useless. The bed was stiff, I laid there… Thoughts came to my head. Did I really love Lily…and if I did…would my love for my mother be useless…I could only love one person with all my heart…no matter how tainted it was. Then I thought about mother…of course I loved her more than anything…my eyes closed.

_Today was suppose to be a special day. Father left us for a weekend, going to get something from a will…well that what he said he was going to do. I didn't care very much, if he was leaving then I hope he'd stay there forever. _

_I followed my mother as she led me to the run down park where I used to watch other kids play. I didn't know why she wanted to come here…I was almost nine, definitely too old to be playing around, but I was glad. At least we were out of that house. _

_Finally she sat down tiredly on a bench. Obediently I sat next to her, looking at the abandoned park. _

_After a long silence, I felt her cling onto me. I sat speechless. Mother never showed her feelings…especially to me. _

"_Severus. You know that I love you?" Her voice seemed broken, as if she wanted to cry. _

"_Of course." I looked away ashamed. _

_I loved her, I would die for her, yet I couldn't save her from my father. I was too weak…_

"_I want you to understand something,… your father…before he got on the drink, he wasn't a horrible person at all." She tried to say the words as if she was trying to believe them herself. _

_I tried not to look pained, but I said "Then why? Why did he turn to the drink? Why does he hurt us every night?" I clenched my fingers thinking about that man touching mother…beating her…it hurt more than he could ever hurt me. _

_She put her fingers to my lips. "Hush, remember to hold your anger." _

_She had a way of calming me…although it was just a simple gesture it meant the world to me. In so much chaos that goes throughout my life, she's there. She doesn't run away…she just calms down and lives another day. Another day in hell, but it's another day we're alive. _

"_Mother, we should run away." I said in full seriousness. There was no point to living here. _

_She looked thoughtful for a minute then she told me "We can't leave. Severus. I'm sick. I can't work, I barely had the strength to walk to this park." _

_Mother sick…that couldn't happen…but it made sense, still I couldn't leave her behind…I would have to stay here…until she…I shook my head. She couldn't die. She was the reason I lived. _

"_Mother, I'll work. Then I could find a doctor." It made sense. Father wasn't going to help her. _

"_No, wait until you get older, soon you're going to leave, and you'll go to a place where you will be free, and then you could take me, because by then you'll be strong enough. For now we have to stay here." She said the words sadly as if they were her only hope. _

"_Fine." I said stubbornly. There was no stopping her…I got my stubbornness from her. For now I would live here. Then one day…mother and I could live happily together. _

_I looked at my mother we were so alike…our sadness was the same…but one day…we'll be happy and free. I know it. _

"_Mother?" _

"_Yes Severus." Her words were emotionless again. _

"_I love you." _

I opened my eyes and tears started to form. I loved…love my mother. More than anything. I didn't needed anyone else's love. My thoughts lingered to Lily. It's just infatuation I told myself. Nothing more than that.

Then I heard footsteps. Great. My housemates are coming back.

I got off of the bed, hoping to make it to the library before the rest of them came…especially the ones that knew Malfoy. How many people will answer the call…well of course this was Slytherin…by this time probably half the house are starting to form…which gave me more reason to go to the library.

I thought about my memory…she said I would finally be free here. I almost smirked. Was this freedom? Being scared and hiding all the time. We should have run away that day, but that was the past. She was…the past. Right now I had to live…to live for her.

I opened the door and started heading out of the room…I thought I would make it…until I saw the group of Slytherins in the common room.

Reality hit in.

I would have to pick a side soon…or die.


	21. Decisions? In the End there is only One

Chapter 21:

Chapter Twenty-One: Decisions? In the End there is only One

A/N: PLEASE READ Sorry for such a slow update...I don't know the status of my beta...so this is uneditied. If you have any adivide or criticisms please don't hesitate to send me a message. I didn't want to put too much in one chapter so that explains the shortness, and I'm already finishing the draft for the second chapter. So thanks for all the reviews, and hope you like this chapter. -Oh, and I will be freqently updating my profile with news on my stories and whatnot.-

Disclaimer: Do I even need to explain.

* * *

I quickly straitened out myself making my face go back to it's natural emotionless façade.

I should have gone to the library. Potter and his mates, well except Lupin, wouldn't set a foot in there.

I put on my dark robe hoping that I would stand out too much and grabbing my books I headed to the common room. All my fellow Slytherins seemed to not pay me any attention and I knew that this luck was too good to be true, but I pressed on.

I was seconds away from escaping the room when I heard a scratchy voice utter.

"Snape, come here for a moment."

Although the voice was raspy at least it was not the malicious silky voice that Lucius had. I turned my heel and went to the voice knowing the consequences and what they would do to me if I ran away from them.

It was Darren Muldoon, seventh year who followed Malfoy like an idol. Although he wasn't largely built he was deviant and surprisingly cunning. He liked to make acquaintances with people who were rich or powerful. Nevertheless he was a dangerous enemy to have.

"What it it Darren?" I asked emotionlessly. If someone like him heard fear in your voice, it was like spilling blood around a shark.

"I heard you ran into our old friend, Lucius Malfoy."

So it was true, the Slytherins were starting to form some group.

"Yes we had a brief conversation…"

I had to keep it simple with Darren, he always found a way to twist around people's words.

"Did he Severus? I hope you had a delightful chat." He grinned slightly.

"Of couse Lucicous is always about propriety." I didn't let my face show any emotion but I clenched my fist thinking of my encounter with Lucius.

"Let me speak plain with you Snape. I don't want to play any games with you. The Dark Lord is coming. Join us and you might actually be able to fit in somewhere."

Like that was going to happen. I knew if I joined they would use my skills until I proved useless, then they would throw me away like trash.

He sneered at me and said.

"Tell me your answer tonight, Lucious wants me to be civil, if not well he said I could do whatever I want to make you comply." I saw the sadistic gleam in his eyes.

I answered back to him with an emotionless gaze, showing him that using physical force with me wouldn't be entertaining.

"I understand Darren. I will have your answer tonight." I turned and only once I was near the lake did I let my fear catch up with me.

I went to my favorite tree and hid my face in my hands. How could life get any better when it seemed the whole world was working against me. Every time I thought that my life could turn around and get better something comes and my life comes crashing down.

After a couple minutes I began to regain my posture. My eyes dried and only once I was sure no trace of emotion was on my face

I looked around at the Hogwarts grounds. Only a handful of students were around. Most of the students probably seeing this as a new year and were in their dormitories studying, and that would explain the lack of students lounging around on a warm summer day…or maybe that was just my point of view.

As I looked around I saw James Potter. He and his friends were playing around as if school hadn't started. I glared at their display jealously. They had each other when times got rough.

Who did I have?

I half wanted to go up to the four friends and yell at how ungrateful they were, but it would be to no avail. I didn't want to go to the nurses office right after my release…I'd probably make the school records

I distracted my thoughts by thinking of the glistening lake and stretch of green fields before my eyes. There were of the few luxuries I was ever granted in my life.

Every time I left home for the summer, right before I boarded the train I looked out and saw this wondrous sight before I returned to that bleak world where my life hung on a thread. At Hogwarts, at least there were adults who carried out some morals, and didn't let Potter kill me…while at home there was nothing between my father's belt and my bare flesh.

I shook at these thoughts, and looked at Potter who was enjoying the last days of summer's heat. I felt the same, I hated how the cold always kept me inside the walls of Hogwarts…wait was I just sympathizing with Potter?

Taking this as a sign of my insanity I grabbed my belongings and left the open field before they saw me, and headed back to the Slythein common room where I would give my inevitable decision.

I went down the dungeons and my heart sank, yet seemed to jump in fear.

Once I went inside the room Darren and his friends seemed to be waiting for me.

I walked to him quickly.

"Fine, I'm joining." I quickly said as fast as I could wanting to get it over with.

I saw his smile as I ran up to my room.


	22. Chances? How Many Can I Have

* * *

Just Let Me Die

Chapter 22: Chances? How Many Can I Have

Disclaimer: Simply not mine. So please don't sue.

A/N: Sorry it's reaaally late. I have to write a bunch of paper and I'm an intern so it's been a bit hectic. -- This chapter was suppose to be longer, but I didn't want to end it on a cliffhanger so please enjoy

oh i'm looking for a beta...if anyone's intrested... .

so that's why the english is so bad ..

* * *

My feet stumbled as I ran quickly to my room. I almost tripped in the dark room, but I jolted into my bed. Then curled up in my safe warm blankets. I closed my eyes and tried to get the images of Darren out of my head.

My mind wouldn't shut off. I knew that the decision I made was bad. I was not a complete idiot. Joining was something that I couldn't avoid. If I didn't comply they would torment me until I gave in.

I tried to think of anything else to get the events that happened today out of my mind. I didn't care if I was tearing down the barriers that I worked so hard to create. Everything was happening so fast. I needed to get out of this mess. I needed someone.

A thought came to my mind. Something that I would normally try not to think about.

What would my mother do?

The answer was obvious though. She would give in. My mother would survive. In the end I knew that's what led to her death. My beautiful mother gave in to my father. She lived…horribly…but she lived. She was bullied just as I was.

I couldn't be thinking of what my mother would do because I had already done what she would have done. I needed to think in a new perspective.

What would Mr. Potter do?

I shook that thought out of my head. Why would I think about him? Something must be wrong with me.

The heat from the blankets helped me get tired. I closed my eyes and for a while made myself think of nothing except being numb. Soon the blankets started to feel warm and I enveloped myself in the comfortable sheets.

I woke up in a shock. My body was itchy and sweaty. I could hear my heart beating fast.

Was I having a nightmare?

I tried to let myself get some more sleep, but it was too hard. I made myself get out of the bed. I tried to fix my greasy hair with my hands but it was pointless. Like anyone would care or even be awake at this time.

I changed and grabbed my books. I quickly checked the common room to make sure no one was there. Once I was sure it was clear I quietly slipped out of the room. At least I wouldn't have to face Darren just yet.

When I stepped into the deserted hallways in Hogwarts I felt an unusual feeling of relief. The cool air made me feel less dazed. I found a corner well away from the Slytherin common room and sat down. I pressed my head against the cold stony wall. At least here I would be away from the bullying.

Then I noticed how dark the hallways were. It must have been a lot earlier than I thought. Probably it was four in the morning, but it was hard to tell. I really need a watch. I sighed and decided to start studying. At least all my summer work was done.

I got to the second chapter of my Arithmancy book when I heard something strange in the hall. I pressed myself against the wall. At least I was thin enough to hide in the shadows.

I tried to think hopefully. It might be just an echo. After all these hallways are immense.

My pessimistic side took over when I grabbed my wand preparing for the worst to happen. When I thought my mind was playing tricks on me I saw something moving fast. Not just something…someone. Sirius Black. Just my luck.

I grabbed my wand preparing to defend myself. Something strange happened. He ran past me. This was strange.

Then I looked into the hallway. What was he running from? Maybe if I hid I would be safe. Running would just make me more noticeable. I was too weak. Whatever it was would catch me.

I kept pressing myself against the hard wall. I could hear my hear my heart breathing faster and faster. Time passed slowly. Finally I decided that there was nothing. I crept out of my corner and looked in the hallway. It seemed safe enough.

I moved stealthily keeping my body near the shadows. Then I heard someone behind me.

"Padfoot, is that you? Peeves is gone. We're safe."

That was Potter's voice. What the hell was he doing this early in the morning?

I grabbed my wand tighter and moved out of the shadows.

"Well Potter. What a coincidence." I was amazed at my own courage, but I had something that I could bargain with now. Potter had done something mischievous. I could use that to my own advantage.

"Snape." He seemed a bit taken aback. I smirked. "What are you doing here Snape?"

"Isn't that what I should be saying Potter." I said calmly. Finally I could get back at him.

"Uh…well wouldn't you get in trouble too." He said hastily.

"You're actually using logic Potter. I'm impressed, but it seems that I'm the one that caught you running away from Peeves."

For a minute it seemed like everything went back to being normal. There was no relationship between Potter and I except hatred. If he had a chance he would show no mercy and I the same.

He put him wand in his pocket. "Sn- Severus c'mon. Can't we just forget about this. I mean you're out wandering the halls. We're in the same situation. Let's just forget about this and go to bed." He grinned at me.

Does he think that I'm an idiot. Anger boiled in my blood. He was trying to manipulate me. "Potter I don't care anymore. Life isn't fair and you should learn that. Now's my chance to show you there are things called consequences."

Then I stopped speaking. All things have consequences. Joining with Darren…will have consequences…

What I did was really bad, but I couldn't turn back time. I have to live with this. Like I lived with my mother dying. It was something that couldn't be changed.

"Severus is something wrong." He looked at me strangely. The usual glimmer in his eyes were gone.

"I-I did something really bad." I whispered.

"What? I can't hear you Severus." He went up to me. I felt his hands go on my shoulders. Was he shaking me? Everything felt so dull.

Then I suddenly pulled away from him. "Nothing's wrong Potter. I-I just haven't had enough sleep."

All of a sudden I could feel the anger in the room. Potter was glaring at me. "What is wrong with you Snape. Your stubbornness is going to kill you someday. Don't you remember what I told you before. I'm your damn brother! It doesn't matter how much you hate me those are the facts."

I cast my eyes downward. Could I really be a brother to him? The Potter's were welcoming, but it made my heart feel cold every time I thought of that. If my mother married someone…decent…I could have lived like the Potter's. I could have had a father like Mr. Potter. A man who could've taught me how to be stronger. He would take me on long walks and teach me spells…and he would love my mother. He would wake up early just to make sure we lived comfortably. He would kiss my mother every morning and take care of her when she was sick.

Jealously boiled inside of me. I really did want to be part of a family, but I would never ever let anyone take my mother's place. It was only because of her that I was alive.

I shook my head and looked into Potter's eyes.

"C-can I ask you one question Potter?"

His anger subsided for a moment. He looked at me curiously. "Yeah sure."

"Did you father ever give your mother flowers?" I said emotionlessly to him.

"What? Is that it? Of course he did. He's her husband."

His words were truthful. He said it so quickly. I looked in his eyes. There was no hint of him deceiving me.

I wish she married someone who would give her flowers every day and kiss her every night, but Mother made a choice. She chose to stay with someone who didn't care about her at all. He only used her.

I was so much like her. I made a choice to be used for my skills, but was it too late? More importantly…do I have enough courage to run away from them?

If mother…if she wasn't so meek…she could've run away…and we could've found someone to take care of us. Someone who would give her flowers and put them in her beautiful long her.

"That's all I wanted to know Potter. See you later." I said monotonously.

"What? You're not going to te- You're so weird." He shook his head and laughed.

It was strange. When he called me that and laughed…is was not him mocking me. It didn't hurt me. It actually made me smirk.

"You better hurry Potter. Before I decide to tell a Professor." I put my wand away in my cloak.

He looked at me for a second. "I don't' need to be told twice. A miracle is a miracle." He said...laughing.

"What do you me-"

He already bolted down the hallway. As his feet echoed farther and farther away I went over to grab my bag.

I nearly collapsed as I sat down. Everything was happening so fast, but I knew I needed to concentrate on one thing at a time.

I could deal with Potter later. Right now I had to concentrate on Darren. I wouldn't let myself be used blindly. I needed to find out what Darren was doing...and if the group is as bad as it seems I would have to confront...someone. Hopefully it wasn't too late.

Hopefully this chapter went well. ;

Please if you find somthing wrong don't hesitate to message me. I'm not perfect...and hopefully I'll find a good beta soon. haha.


	23. Apologies? Useless to the Dead

A/N: I made a mistake uploading! The italics were not up so now it's fixed. XD

So...it's been over 3 years!? Sorry I've been gone, but life has a way of doing that. Hopefully new readers and old will enjoy the last few chapters which I hope to get done in the next few weeks.

So being gone for so long, my writing may seem rusty. If you see any room for improvement please let me know! :)

Disclaimer: As always, these characters don't belong to me.

Just Let Me Die

Chapter 23: Apologies? Are Useless to the Dead

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I needed to find out what this group was about. It seemed some sort of cult. Every time I entered the Slytherin common room there was that group, with Darren in the center. The main group consisted of Muldoon, Avery, Mulciber, Rosier, Wilkes. While they terrorized some of the younger Slytherins, they still managed to get a following. There were some Slytherins who tried to hang out with the group. They never went too close though. One glare from the group would send the student away. Perhaps it was that invisible force of power that had allured so many. Self-preservation, after all, was a Slytherin trait and having power or at least being friends with those with power would lead to greater self-preservation.

After I had told Darren that I would accept, there was a surprising pressure that lifted off of me. They seemed to ignore me, which I did not mind at all. I would become invisible...something I was rather good at.

Like most nights I slept in the common room. Even though I seemed to have won some toleration from some of the Slytherins, especially those in this group, there were still those who would do all they could to bully me. I had to be constantly on guard for feet waiting to trip me, or hexes thrown my way. The only thing I could not prevent was the sneers and pointed fingers. I would force myself to just let the words come at me. Years of beatings from my father's hands had helped me shape a facade of emotionless...though for some reason Potter and his gang always found a way to provoke me. Luckily, ever since my encounter with Potter a few nights ago, the annoying group of Gryffindors, seemed to ignore me as well. Although part of it could have been because I constantly avoided any confrontation with them, and focused my energy of figuring out what was going on with this new cult.

I heard some noises coming toward the common room. I stayed in my corner and pretended I was asleep. I hoped my presence would remain unnoticed, although I felt my beating heart would give away that I was in the room. Luckily the common room was dimly lit and the furniture dark making it hard to notice me in the corner.

From my corner I saw it was Darren and his gang of friends. Darren Muldoon led the group reminding them to stay quiet. If I wasn't so afraid I would have chuckled watching the two, Rosier and Wiles, trip in the darkened room. Mulciber and Avery picked the other boys up with unnecessary force. While I was afraid of Muldoon those two were ones to watch out for. They were not motivated by just power, rather they were after pain. Those two were sadists. The look on their eyes whenever they caused another to yelp in pain, would be the same look my father gave when the alcohol took over.

The group left and for some reason I found my feet following them. _What are you doing?_ I found myself questioning my self-preservation as I silently slid out of the common room and followed their steps in the dark hallways of Hogwarts.

They made turns down passageways I had never been to or even knew existed. I could tell we were on one of the elevated floors of the castle. Finally the group stopped at a mirror. Behind the mirror they all disappeared. _Turn back now! _I knew I should turn back...but I needed to know what was going on. I waited a few minutes, my heart beating fast. I finally clenched my wand and went though the passage behind the mirror.

From the sounds I could tell they were far ahead. _They're moving fast. _I quickened my pace and tried to remain silent. After what seemed like miles the passage opened up into a room. The other boys were a bit father ahead. I looked around and it looked like an old mausoleum. _Well if I die at least I'll be in the proper place._ The place I ended up in looked like an outskirt of a town in an old cemetery. I wondered why it was so bright, until I looked up and noticed that it was a full moon.

Up ahead there were shadows so I crept up behind trees and tombstones. I saw the five boys, and another familiar face. _Lucius Malfoy! _I peered behind a withered tree. They all faced a man who sent shivers throughout my body. All at once all the five boys from Hogwarts and Malfoy sunk to their knees. _Even Slytherin pride bows to self-preservation._ This man that they were bowing to was dangerous.

I came to a realization of who this was. The one who promised to bring a new era. This was the Dark Lord.

The Dark Lord looked down at the boys and smiled. "Welcome. Lucius has told me that you wish to join me".

"Yes my lord" The boys said in union.

"I have heard much about you, and I believe you all have a promising future in the new era." The man's voice was like silk and had something alluring to it. "Now for the reason I have summoned you all here. As you know I am about to create a new era. One that is free from those mudbloods who are a stain to wizardry and witchcraft. They are an abomination that must be destroyed so that we may rise to power!"

_He means mudbloods like me!_

Out of nowhere Malfoy got up and bowed to the man. Then he pointed him wand at a tombstone and from behind came a woman who was bound by magic. I first thought she was walking towards them until I saw her feet levitating.

She looked rather plain, but I saw the fear in her eyes. It was the same fear that mother had.

The man walked towards the woman, who had tears streaming down her eyes. Although there were no visible ropes I could see the pain in her magically bound limbs.

The man continued. "This mudblood, dared to marry a full blood." The woman struggled more, but it was no use. "Worst of all this mudblood published articles on how the mixing of pure bloods and half bloods or muggles could give birth to a wizard that is more powerful.

The woman's head shot up. "M-my father was a biologist, he-"

Her magical constrictions tightened and the man spoke. "You're father was a muggle. You are an abomination." The man then turned to the boys. "Tonight is the night you will be marked. Your task is to help recruit more worthy candidates."

I looked in horror as the women was levitated towards the boys. _I have to save her! _If I even thought of jumping out I knew I would be killed, be it from one of the Slytherin boys, Malfoy, or this Dark Lord. "I'm sorry." I silently mouthed._ I'm useless. Just as useless as protecting my mother. _I was stepping back to go back into the dark passageway when I heard a twig snap. The noise came from my feet. _Oh no. Oh no no no. _

"Someone's here." The Dark Lord looked in my direction. His piercing eyes seemed to see though the darkness. _That's not possible. _"Come out now." Come out and I would kill you seemed to be the implied threat.

I felt my pocket for my wand. I knew I could not stand a chance against these seven, but it felt good knowing it was there. I lifted my hand up where they could see and walked to the clearing.

"Ah...Severus Snape. You're greasy locks are noticeable from even there." I heard Malfoy say playfully. "It seems you couldn't get enough pain...have you come back for more." He chuckled.

Defiance was not something that would appreciated here. From all my years of beatings I knew how to submit. I took a breath and drove all emotion out of my face.

"I'm sorry." That was a phrase that I could never stop saying. I looked up and saw the other boys who were still on their knees.

_Submit...and you may be kept alive. _

I sank to my knees, my hands still raised. "I was recruited by Malfoy and accepted an invitation to join you s- my lord". I calculated all my words to try to give a reason why he should keep me alive. _Why was I so anxious to stay alive anyway? _

The Dark Lord stepped towards me, he still had a wand pointing at me. "Yess." His voice sounded almost snake-like which almost caused me to shudder. "You are Severus Snape. A promising student from the Slytherin House. You excel at potion making and are intelligent. I've heard much about you and see promise in you." If I wasn't so scared I would have almost been proud.

"T-thank you...my lord." Like sir, my lord, seemed to come easy to my tongue.

He started making circles around me, like a vulture about to dive into some carcass. "Although you disappoint me." My heart dropped. Maybe I would not live tonight. "You see, I need complete obedience from my followers and I can't just have you coming to me when you please."

I looked at the ground. "I'm sorry. I was...I was eager to join you my lord."

"It seems you are ready to join us. I was planning to mark you on the next full moon, but it does seem like you are ready."

"Thank you." I softly said to the ground, and then realizing that he might not have heard. "T-thank you my lord." _Submission will keep me alive. _

He left me in kneeling in the dirt and turned his attention back on the woman. _I forgot about her! _

"Now we can let the fun begin."

I looked up and for that one moment let emotion flood though my face. Although it was a second of defiance the Dark Lord seemed to sense it.

"What's the matter? You should be overjoyed. We will be ridding this world of an abomination."

_Think. Think!_

"You are right my lord. I just thought..." _Say this carefully. _"If this woman goes missing than there is little gain. If she stays alive and is...coaxed into revoking her publications than we would have much to gain from her." I kept my emotions at bay, trying my best to reason with the Dark Lord. Hopefully he would be able to understand logic, unlike my father.

"You are a bright one." He sounded almost pleased. I almost gave a sigh of relief, but I didn't want him to sense any emotion coming from me. "Lucius, put this woman under an imperius."

Malfoy seemed a bit disappointed. "Yes, my lord."

I may have not been able to fully set you free...but at least you are still alive.

Although there was no emotion that came out of the Dark Lord's voice he said "It seems we have lost our entertainment for tonight." He then turned back to me. "Although I don't think you fully realize what it means to submit to me."

I was about to say something, anything to get his attention away from me.

He simply said "Crucio" and my body instantly felt a wave a pain. I knew this pain. This was the pain from before...although it was worse. _How could it possibly be worse!?_ My body was on the floor as the stabbing sensation continued. I writhed on the ground, but it was not use. I knew tears were flowing down my face, but I couldn't feel them. The only thing I could feel was pain. I wanted to scream for him to stop...I wanted it to stop so badly. Images from my childhood flooded back. Asking my father to stop...asking the Dark Lord to stop it would all be for not. My father...the Dark Lord wanted submission. Wanted to feel the power over me...and I would give it to him.

Reality and the past flooded my mind and I could not differentiate the two. Was the man standing in front of me my father? Though the pain I looked up and saw the woman. Was that you mother? No...she was dead. Wasn't she? If it was my mother or that woman I was almost glad for this pain. _I will save you! _

I horsely managed to get out "Thank you! Thank you..." I think I was screaming incoherently this whole time because it was hard to get words out. The pain was so much...but I had to endure it. This pain would mean safety for another. Over my screams I finally managed another "thank you" until I felt I could no longer scream and the only thing coming out were my tears.

Suddenly the pain subsided from my body, but I did not have the strength the move from the ground.

I looked up at the Dark Lord. "T-thank you, my lord."

He gave a half twisted smile. "I've heard so many curses. So many pleas for life, for death, and everything in between, but I have never heard a thank you. Now why is that?"

_Thank you for giving me a chance to save this woman. _Although there were tears dried on my face I reverted back to my emotionless facade. "T-thank you, for letting me submit...submit to your will my lord." I could barely speak, my hoarse throat protested against every word.

He looked at me. Although he looked human...there was something that was missing. Something that was off. It seemed the humanity was stripped from him. He looked at me and said "You are worthy to become a Death Eater."

He grabbed my hand and the next thing I knew I felt more pain. Not as much as the crucio, but it felt like snakes were digging holes into my skin. I looked at my arm fearing that it would be bleeding everywhere, but instead I saw a mark. It was of a skull and a snake crawling out of the skulls mouth. I heard screams and looked up and the other boys were receiving the same mark on their arms.

It was a mark that made me belong to him.

While the other boys were screaming the Dark Lord came again to me. In almost a whisper he said "There's also another reason for your value. I heard you have been adopted by the Potters. Those Potters have always been so...disruptive. You will keep an eye on them for me."

Mr. Potter...Mrs. Potter. They were so kind, yet I doubt they would forgive me after this.

In one bad move I have become the pawn of yet another.

All I could say was "Y-yes my lord." and my body collapsed into darkness.


	24. Friendship? It Doesn't Last Forever

Friendship? It Doesn't Last Forever

Disclaimer: As usual, not mine.

A/N: Thank you all for the feedback! I know I've been gone really long, but its great so see so much positive reviews. Sorry if it takes a little bit to update I've been working full time, but I couldn't do it without such support.

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Darkness consumed my mind. Reality snapped back as I felt my body falling. My eyes opened up and I fell on the floor. My body was sore...but I was alive.

I looked up at there was Muldoon, Avery, Mulciber, Rosier, Wilkes.

Muldoon looked down at me. "Hey, you didn't have to throw him on the ground." Mulciber and Avery just shrugged. "Muldoon continued. "He's one of us now." I got disgusted looks from the two when I looked up at them.

_One of us?_ Could I really be like one of them? Could I truly belong somewhere? My mind raced back to Potter's house...to a happy family.

Avery sneered. "This git? Be one of us? He may have the mark, but he's still the same freak."

As he said that I looked down at the mark on my left forearm. The ink black mark did not hurt, but it still caused me to wince looking down at it. I looked up at the others who had the same brand.

Muldoon looked down at me. "There's no secrets now Snape." He gave me a smile and looked at his own mark. "It's time to get to bed. See you in the morning."

The group left me in the common room floor. I somehow managed to get myself off of the floor and dragged myself to a corner.

I wanted to sleep so badly, but all the events that had just happened kept repeating themselves in my mind. I've joined the Death Eaters...I aligned myself with the Dark Lord. _What will Dumbledore think of this? What would Mr. Potter think of this? _I didn't think that either of them would approve of this Dark Lord. _Should I tell them? _If I did someone would come after me. Muldoon, Mulciber, Avery...Malfoy...the Dark Lord.

I rested my head against the stone wall. I tried to empty my mind of the events, but every time my mind was about to drift a pain would surface.

A crucio curse was worse than a beating from father...but why did it have to be constantly directed at me? At least that woman was going to be kept alive.

My thoughts occupied me throughout the night and I knew it was morning when the other students started to wake up and I heard them heading to the common room. I pulled down my robe sleeves so that my mark wouldn't be visible and went to go wash my face.

I looked in the mirror and looked worse than normal. _Can you believe that? _My hair was disheveled, my eyes were baggy from a night of no sleep, and some new bruises showed up on my face. Luckily the robes hid most of the scratches and bruises. I probably scratched at my skin while under that curse. I ran some water though my hair not bothering to try to impress anyone.

I went to grab my supplies when I realized that there was not class for today. _Well at least I'll have some respite._

I went to the Great Hall to get something to eat before there was a crowd in there. I grabbed a piece of toast with some butter and started to head out. Then I saw Potter come in. He was with Black and Pettigrew, but lacked Lupin. _Strange. Usually they all follow Potter like ducklings. _

As I stared at Potter he made his way over to me with Black and Pettigrew not far behind him. _Not now. Just leave me alone. _

"Hey Snape." He walked up to me with a weary smile.

"Potter." My voice was barely above a whisper. My throat still hurt from last night's screaming.

"You didn't sleep much last night as well?" I could tell he was trying to have a conversation with me, but I was too weary. I gave him a nod too tired to argue. I looked at him and he seemed to have lost some sleep as well. His hair was more of a mess than usual and his eyes seemed a little baggy.

He continued. "Anyway, my father sends his regards." _Does he know? There's no way he could. _"Well I guess we'll see you at Hogsmeade."

I looked up at him. "Hogsmeade?" My father never signed the paperwork. Why would I be going there?

"Yeah, my dad signed the paperwork for you. He just sent me a letter to remind you that it was all filled out and you could go. Well...see you around I guess." He looked at me a bit strangely and then walked awkwardly away from me. Usually I would have snapped at him, but I could barely talk let alone pick a fight with him and his friends.

Although I never was allowed to go to Hogsmeade like all the normal students, I didn't really mind. The first and second years had to stay behind and they always avoided me. Potter and his friends were also gone and it would mean I could study in relative peace.

I remembered the first time I got my letter from Hogsmeade and ever since then the thought of going caused me to feel bitter.

_I huddled by the fire with mother. In a few weeks I would be leaving for my third year at Hogwarts. I didn't want to leave her side, but I knew that if I kept excelling in school I would be able to give a better life for us. I hated the students there, but it was inevitable. Every where I went I was a freak and would never be accepted._

_I looked to my mother who stared blankly into the fire. How much of her will was taken away? As I stared back into the fire I heard the door quickly swing open. _

_Not now! The pub wouldn't be closed for another few hours...he shouldn't be home now. I got my answer as he threw his boots on the floor. _

_"Damn pub! Said I have to pay my tab!" Although he didn't have a full nights drink, his speech was still a little slurred. _

_I then noticed an owl behind him with a letter on it's leg. Not now. Stupid bird. Stupid stupid bird! It probably didn't send the letter down the chimney because of the fire and now it was going to deliver that letter though the front door. I looked up horrified hoping my father wouldn't see the owl. _

_He went to slam the door and then looked down. He charged at the bird causing the letter to fall on the ground and the owl to fly far away._

_He picked up the letter. His hands shook in anger as he slammed the door. _

_"Another bloody bird! Ev'er since you went to that damn school these bloody bird keep coming." _

_I stood up and separated him from my mother who was still by the fire. "I-I'm sorry sir. I told them to not send them any more." I already got my list of items I needed to get. Why would they be sending another letter? It's not like I had any friends who would send me anything. Until this night I was able to get the letters before he came home. _

_"P-please, sir." I gulped as he glared at me. He walked over to me and I cringed waiting to be hit. He opened up the letter and I could make out 'Hogsmeade.' That was the place that third years got to go to. He ripped up the letter and tossed it into the fire. _

_He grabbed my arm and twisted me away from the fire where my letter was burning. _

_"Tell them freaks not to send any more letters here. You understand boy!" There was a slight smell of alcohol, but not as much as most nights. Still he would be angry from them kicking him out. _

_"Y-yes sir. I understand sir." _

_My father turned toward the fire. "Eileen!" She shot up her hands shaking in fear. "Make me some dinner." I could tell she signed in relief...and I did as well. "Well hurry up you lazy woman!" She hurried to make something for him and he then brought his attention back to me. _

_"I'll make sure you remember that I want no more letters coming 'ere." He grabbed me by the shirt and tossed me on the ground. I looked to the fire where my letter was nothing more than ashes..._

Even though I now had permission I was still determined not to go to Hogsmeade. There were still so many homework assignments and I wanted to be alone.

I saw Muldoon come into the Great Hall. As I was trying to leave he came up to me. "Snape, join us in our compartment on the train." It was clearly not a suggestion. I nodded not wanting to provoke him. He sat down and was joined by the other Death Eaters. I walked away quickly. _So much for finally being alone. When did I become so popular?_

I walked up to the Hogwarts Express. There was excitement in the air. Everyone always looked forward to the trips to Hogsmeade. Well everyone except me.

I gloomily climb aboard, dreading to have to sit next to Muldoon and the other Slytherins. _Why couldn't they just ignore me like always? _I looked around the train. I never really bothered to note where they sat before.

I looked into one compartment and a couple Ravenclaws looked at me disgusted. I quickly walked away and looked in another. A couple rows down I poked in a Potter sat there with his friends. "You made it Snape."

I looked down. "Potter." I said to the floor.

He said awkwardly. "Er, you want to join us." Black gave him a slight glare.

"No. I-I'm looking for someone."

Black then looked at me. "You have friends?" Potter jabbed him with his elbow. "Hey...just asking the obvious."

Potter looked at his friend. "You're not much help."

Black looked like he was about to fight, but then stopped. "Sorry, old habits. You don't have to sit in a empty compartment Snape. I guess you could join us."

I stepped back a bit. "No...it's fine. I'll see you Potter." Before they could say anything I quickly rushed away from them. I heard a familiar laugh. I gulped and headed into the compartment with the other Slytherins. I opened the door and found all the marked Slytherin students in there. I sat closest to the door and then the train started to move.

I tried so hard to stare at my feet. I let my hair cover my eyes and hoped that they would just ignore me. Why did they want me with them anyway? I was the greasy git. In the best of circumstances I would be ignored by Darren Muldoon and his friends until I heard about his Dark Lord.

Once the train started to move their conversations turned dark. I tried to stare out of the window as they listed names of students who could probably be persuaded to join the Dark Lord. They listed those who were 'mudbloods." Luckily they seemed to think that all the Slytherins were full blooded. _What would they do if they knew that my father was a muggle?_

Finally the train screeched to a stop and students started to leave the train. I followed the group off of the train and we entered a little village. I always heard about the other students talking in anticipation about this place. It seemed like a nice village, nothing like the impoverished place that I grew up in.

We ended up at at a place called the "Three Broomsticks Inn." Students crowded the place, but Darren found a table in the back corner.

"Snape, get us something to drink." Meekly I went over and ordered some drinks. I pulled out a satchel of money, given to me by Mr. Potter. _What would he think of me buying drinks for them? _I grabbed the drinks and headed towards the table. It was hard to balance and I walked slowly over trying not to spill anything. The crowded room made it hard to maze though the rowdy students and I lost my balance. Then I felt a hand steady me. I looked up and saw Lily Evans.

"Severus I haven't seen you in a long time. How are you?" Lily sounded cheerful. She was one of the few who treated me like an actual human. To most I was the 'greasy git'. When she looked at me I saw someone who actually looked in my eyes and didn't look disgusted.

"I-I'm fine Evans."

She looked down at my hands with all the butterbeer. She looked a little confused. "Oh I see you're getting drinks for your...friends?" _Did the greasy git actually have friends? Who would be friends with him?_

I looked up at her and then Muldoon. "Er...sort of."

She saw that I looked over at Muldoon and the other Slytherins and scrunched up her nose in disgust. "You're really hanging out with them? Don't you hear all the rumors. They're up to no good...not the kind of pranks that James always does, but truly bad stuff." I thought of my night in the graveyard. _You have no idea. _

Then I saw Muldoon come over. I shook my head and barely whispered to Lily. "Please...please just walk away."

As I feared and true to her house, Lily stood her ground as Muldoon came over.

"Snape you can't just follow orders and get some drinks."

"I-I'm sorry." I stepped forward headed towards the table.

"Don't apologize Severus." Lily's voice changed from being friendly to hostile. In true Gryffindor fashion she looked at Muldoon defiantly. "Why are you ordering him around anyway?"

The atmosphere became more intense when I saw the other Slyhterins start to get up from their table.

Muldoon circled her like a vulture. "Snape? He's our friend." _Friend? Where did that word come from? _"Why would he be friends with a mudblood like you Evans?"

I gritted my teeth, but was otherwise useless holding onto the glasses of butterbeer. Lily glared at him. "Why you-" I saw her hand reaching into her robes for her wand, and some the same from the group of Slytherins. Then I saw an arm reach over and stop her from grabbing her wand.

"James Potter stay out of this." Lily tried to push Potter's arm off of hers.

Potter looked at the Slytherins. "Are you lot really going to fight a girl? You're sinking to new lows...although she could probably beat all five of you. Still, I can't let her have all the fun."

Muldoon clenched his fists. "Stay out of this Potter this is between me and the mud-"

Black and Potter had their wands out as soon as the word was about to slip from Muldoon's mouth. Muldoon quickly grabbed his and so did the other boys. As soon as the wands were out a woman came over quickly. "I will not have any fights in here!"

Potter quickly put his wand away and smiled at the woman. "Sorry. We were about to go anyway. C'mon Lily let's go to Honeydukes." She looked over at me. I nodded my head and she reluctantly went with Potter. I sighed in relief knowing that she would at least be away from Muldoon.

The owner looked over to Muldoon. "I want no more trouble from you boys." Muldoon put his wand away and went to sit back at the table. I gave them their drinks and sat down.

I sat there and tried to ignore them talking about 'that Gryffindor mudblood.' I clenched my fists and remembered Muldoon calling me his friend. _What was I to them anyway? A tool to be used? Surely not a friend. _Having a true friend was something too good for me.

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A/N: Yes I know there are many who do not like Lily/Severus...and truthfully I do like Severus/James better. This story was not written to have romance...but I can tell you that I'm planning a sequel under a different name...maybe called Show Me How to Live (?). Yes it would be James/Severus and it will be made once I finish this story. Just contemplating how mature it should be. Suggestions? :)

As always helpful reviews are appreciated.


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